Dear
Jim,
Thank
you so much for your long 'letter', and please forgive the long
gap...I seem to have been pretty busy, but with nothing very
interesting...just working, and generally, by the end of the day
being too tired to do anything that requires much effort. I'm in a very
strange 'place' mentally/emotionally/spiritually speaking, so it's not easy to
just dash off letters and/or e-mails to anyone.
I
enjoyed and appreciated your thoughtful response to my last. I think my
questions are pretty much a child's questions really, but it is good to be
heard, and not dismissed out of hand. With regard to my question:- "Why this life" or rather, "Why
this life, as distinct from any other?", I think, on reflection, I
expressed myself carelessly and lost my central thought, which was more about
why, if 'I' am actually a physical manifestation of the Self...why do I only
experience this small individual self...why can I not experience other
selves? As I said, a child's question....
Dear
Janice,
‘Gaps'
are fine. I'm in no hurry. It is always a pleasure to hear from you. Here are
the thoughts your letter occasioned.
The
question “ why, if 'I' am actually a
physical manifestation of the Self...why do I only
experience this small individual self...why can I not experience other selves? is not a child's question. Spiritually it is very much to the
point. Many people who fancy themselves to be ‘spiritual' are not even close to
asking this question. The answer is quite simple but may be difficult to
accept. But before I try to answer it I should mention that the acceptance of
the answer depends on how much you value the question. If you value it highly
then it is the perfect entrée into a serious discussion of the question of
happiness. It is a perfect starting point because the answer does away with
perhaps the most common misunderstanding about the nature of spirituality that
Self realization means that one should experience things differently, that one should
experience ‘other selves' or the Self.
The
first thing that comes to me is why anyone would want to experience
‘other things.' The obvious answer is that one's present experience is
not satisfactory. So the question then becomes ‘why is my experience not
satisfactory?' This leads to the question of whether or not it is experience
that you are having that causes you to feel a certain way or if the way you are
interpreting what you experience is producing the dissatisfaction.
You
can probably guess what I think. According to Vedic wisdom experience is value
neutral. It has no power to generate an invariable response. If ten people
experience the same event you will get many different responses to that event.
So
why does someone choose to interpret his or her life in a positive or negative
or neutral way? Because of his or her views of the nature of
reality. I don't think it is very helpful to go into one's past, one's
childhood, etc. to try to figure out where one picked up the tendency to
interpret things in a particular way. The real question is: what do I think
reality is?
In
this debate there are two basic views. One is that this is a very uncertain,
unpredictable, dangerous threatening reality. Life is out to do me harm.
Therefore I must be constantly on my guard. I must retreat to a secure place
within myself and build up strong walls with aggressive defenses to make sure I
don't get hurt. That someone should feel this way consciously or unconsciously
is understandable in so far as this is perhaps society's position. We are
bombarded by this idea from womb to tomb from sources too numerous to mention.
The
second view is that this a benign self-aware universe, that everything here
works together. Perhaps you haven't thought of it but did you ever wonder why
the insurance industry is perhaps the richest industry in the world? The losses
from 9/11 caused barely a hiccup in the insurance world. The answer is: because
it knows that this is a benign universe. While you and I are betting that
things are going to mess us, it is betting that things are going to do right.
Why is it right? Because reality is like that.
Everything here dovetails into everything else, serves everything else. This is
an ordered purposeful positive universe.
If
you know that then when things, both positive and negative, happen you can see
how they fit into this fact. If you don't then you are left only with doubt and
uncertainty and a feeling of vulnerability or injustice.
If
you understand this by simply observing reality you will not want to experience
anything other than what you are experiencing. You will see that it is the way
you are looking at yourself that is the problem, not the experiences that you have
had. I don't know if you have ever seen these sporting events by people who are
confined to wheelchairs. It is quite amazing because you have men who are
seriously disabled and who could easily whine about their fate and reasonably
justify the status of victim hood. But these guys suit up and play serious
contact sports with great aggression. They crash into each other and slam each
other to the ground and enjoy themselves mightily. Examples of this sort of
thing are commonplace nowadays.
So
spirituality is about attitude, not about experience. It is about your
fundamental view of life. Choose view A and you suffer. Choose view B and even
the bad days are good days.
Perhaps
you will say that it is not that easy. Yes, it may be difficult. Why? Because the mind is like a muscle. The more you use it the
bigger it gets. So the more you take a negative attitude, the more you feel
sorry for yourself and want things to be different, the more entrenched this
view becomes and the more despairing you become. Conversely, the more you
affirm the free will you've been given by coming down on the side of reality
the stronger that view becomes, the more confident you are to not only
withstand the rough patches but the more easily you come to embrace whatever
comes.
Anyway,
this is something to think about. If you can accept it then the way becomes a
lot easier because life does not adjust to us; it goes on its merry way and
does what it does. But if I am the problem, then I am also the solution. One is
greatly empowered by this realization. It is not as difficult to take a
positive view as it is to take a negative one so the reconstruction of your
spiritual vision can proceed quickly.
As
for me I'm in Portland , Oregon about to embark
on my annual migration to India
. I go to California tomorrow where I've got
some work to make some money, then on October 4 I'll fly to Germany . I'll
be there for about five weeks ending with a seminar in Munich from November
10-14, then on to India . It would be nice if you came to India this
winter. I'd like to see you.
Love,
Jim
The ‘for what purpose' question:-
I've
probably moved on from that one in a way...this last year or so has made, and
continues to make me increasingly aware of the brevity of life, and my focus
seems to have shifted to "What am I doing? Is this how I really want
to be spending my time? And if it's not, what is it I do want?"
I
can't find a simple answer to that one yet...which is maybe where all this
fatigue originates.
You
said:-
If you have cracked the code you see that purpose of life is Self
realization. You understand that everyone here is striving for freedom
from limitation whether they know it or not.
Yes,
oh yes...this certainly rings bells...ding dong...I sense the limitations, but
feel huge frustration, sometimes desperation, at not being able to identify
them or the route to breaking free of them. One must live somehow...in
the sense of eating and drinking and having somewhere to sleep? I
could move, change jobs, make new friends etc, etc, but all this seems cosmetic
at best and hopelessly missing the point somehow.
I
have no trouble accepting that nothing out there will make me permanently
happy. How could it, in a world of constant inconstancy? But even
if I accept (and I do) the truth of non duality, I do not feel noticeably
happier or more at peace. I guess this means that I am only 'getting the
point' intellectually, and have never really experienced the truth on a deeper
level.
I
don't seek fame or great wealth or huge worldly success, just a sense of
not having lived carelessly...wasting this precious gift of life. I want
to 'wake up'...from a fairly constant feeling of sleepwalking through many of
my days. To live in full conciousness I
suppose. Rather an imprecise 'dream'...so consequently difficult to
act upon. Much of the time, at present, I feel disconnected from my
'self', and the Self. But perhaps the dissatisfaction is good...a
path to that sense of joyful freedom maybe.
August
30th
Sorry,
another very long gap...I had my niece staying with me for a while, and
then we were away from home for ...the annual family holiday on the coast...a
very long standing tradition, with all the grandchildren/husbands etc etc...
Maybe
it's a sign of inner processes at work, but coming back to this letter, I have
a sense of wanting to change what I wrote...but I won't. It was what I
wanted to say at the time, so I think I'll let it stand. However...
I'm
beginning to realise that the knowledge/certainty of
death does not actually bring me that sense of joyful freedom. When I can
truly get in touch with the darkness that I carry, I have only despair and
annihilating sadness at the thought of the impermanence of everything. It
is not about success or failure, because in the moment those things become
irrelevant. I can accept (intellectually) that :- " Life is
only beautiful because of death." And yet on a feeling
level, in the full knowledge of death, Life becomes impossible.
This
is the dark inner journey I have undertaken. To face the darkness
that I have carried since I was a child. It gets very dark at times...yet
I still manage to hope that if I can find out what it is that casts such a long
shadow, I will eventually also be able to see the light behind it.
You
said:-
Jim: Yes, you have a kind of tragic aura about you, a darkness. It's
certainly not ‘heavy,' in fact it is kind of intriguing to see in such a
talented beautiful person. It's probably fear, lack of trust in what you
know. The last sentence “To see the necessity for change yet not see how
to make it happen....” suggests to me that you lack the confidence to follow
that sense of ‘divine homesickness' wherever it leads. Mind you if you
are true to it, it will lead you out of the darkness.
I am
glad you were able to 'see' my darkness, and also glad that you do not find it
heavy. Only a few people have ever told me that they are aware of
it...but I suspect that in the past, before I became conciously
aware of it myself...it would have been there anyway, and obvious to those who
got close to me..even if only subliminally. And
I suspect, that experienced in this way, it would've made me an uncomfortable
person to be around.
There
is, as ever, more to say, but in the interests of closing the gap a
little, I'm going to send this 'unfinished'....but will continue it
in a day or two...
With my love,
Janice