A white rose for you, my dear Ram,

I am very moved by what you've said in your emails and feel the richness of Life/Awareness strongly: the goodness, beauty, happiness, infinite potential and divinity as well as the simplicity, modesty, dignity and wholeness. I sense the Light in these words and I not only sense the magnetic and mysterious attraction of the words but of the Magnet itself.

It is amazing how love seems to increase immensely by Being Aware of It. The knowing is the key to the complete sublimation of all senses. It is precisely what is said in the KENA UPANISHAD: “This is the instruction about Awareness with regard to the powers in the mind: It is like a flash of lightning; It is like a wink of the eye. Now the instruction about Awareness with regard to the individual self: The mind should go to it. By means of the mind the seeker communes with It intimately again and again.”

I'm grateful and gratified for your sharing of personal experiences with your guru. It releases my mind the from imagined dangers and anxieties of a non-spiritual relationship and allows the natural flow of love, feelings, enthusiasm and what ever comes up from the Source to the Ocean.

Your words seem trustworthy because you are frank and honest. I greatly appreciate that you not only present the spiritual level but the personal one as well. It is absolutely important to me that you made clear your preference for a teacher/disciple relationship and not a personal emotional one.

Although it sounds wonderful what you have thought about me personally and the power you perceive in my personality, Enlightenment is my main priority as well. Thank you for this delicious bouquet, Ram!

My desire for Realization has coincided with immense physical suffering in the last five years and because of the separation from my husband I am very tired of emotional relationships. I enjoy each minute living alone and feel very comfortable on the whole.

Your statement about trust in the last email “Don't trust me, for God's sake, Cynthia. It is not about trusting me. It is about trusting the ideas I'm passing on. I'm the messenger, not the message...” touched me to tears, Ram, referring to the feeling side, you hit the nail on the head.

The trust issue is related to my history as a student and practitioner of psychology. I've been through the psychological thing and it didn't set me free so this is why the idea of getting involved in another idea, Vedanta, brought up some resistance. But all your messages correspond to experience, understanding, logic and evidence. So there is no need to trust a person, only the need to trust the information as long as it leads to Truth. I appreciate your discrimination and have to tell you that you make a very competent psychotherapist, the best I ever met…and I met a lot.

Ram: (from a previous email) “When you are result oriented anxiety becomes a way of life because you are never sure how things are going to turn out and whether or not you will be able to deal with what happens. This situation should cause you to think of your ultimate goal in life.

Cynthia: So very true! Gradually, my life became nothing but anxiety. Marriage, becoming mother and a professional psychotherapist was my concept to finally embody the seriousness of Cynthia. Anxiety and physical pains made my life explode. For more than half a year I was overwhelmed by a physical power so strong that I had to jog to sublimate it. And I was happy, happy, happy . It was incredible. It was as if I was being burned to death while still alive. And now as you say I've to face to face to the question of my ultimate goal in life, yes.

But didn't I do the decision already. Actually I couldn't stand the pulling. I'm already swimming in the ocean. I know I want to be completely free…not only a little bit…and this is because I've got a taste of the Salt in this Ocean. I want to be the personified Freedom and I'm determined to wear the gown like a goddess. I confess that this is the real Cynthia. I know that doubts and ego activity will for sure challenge me (possibly stronger than ever before) but I am fully committed to train the muscle of Freedom and limitless Awareness.

Love and roses to you,

Cynthia

Ram: Great! Your words are a work of art with a bit of tweaking in English. You can think of me as your personal trainer. The ‘Who am I' muscle is already starting to grow. The more you want freedom the easier it will be.