Dear
Ram,
Cynthia:
Since midst of December I have found myself in a remarkable state of stillness,
lightness, clarity, calm, patience...as if hardly anything could disturb me in
the conviction that I would be able to overcome some of my strongest
identifications. For a couple of weeks I lived with an ease so wonderful!!!! - although nothing at all changed in outer circumstances or
concerning people. It definitely was my mind relatively free of thoughts,
feelings and reactions which ordinarily occur. It is a rare state I sometimes
had before but never as long as this time. I am sure it was connected to my
contact with you and reading and thinking a lot about the whole topic of
enlightenment. But experience is changing, sometimes good,
sometimes bad, but what is very difficult for me is that I can't fix on the
idea any more of being capable to let go of some quite hindering conditionings.
Just
a handful of people have let go of their conditionings and been able to fasten
the knowledge of Awareness. I don't know them (for example you) and don't know
how they did it. Hopefully I can learn from you! Can I? Though I know there's
nothing to reach or to gain I also know the letting go is almost impossible for
human beings.
My
superego caught me in its trap: "You aren't one of those handfuls of
people. It is impossible to overcome deep conditionings" it said. And the
reason why this superego is so strong is because its content is 99% confirmed
by society, colleagues, friends, clients... Everybody suffers by numerous demoniac
identities but far and wide no way out of the misery, not the slightest gleam
of hope in our culture. The 1% that remains belong to some books about dead
enlightened people, some living ones spread all over the world which I don't
know and one, called Ram, who lives in India. I cannot say I know him and -
taking him as a gleam of hope - what are you doing, Cynthia? Come back to the
floor/ground!
Ram:
Maybe it is best not to try to get rid of conditionings. When you have lived with
them long enough and no longer have any use for them they drop off naturally,
like ripe fruit. At a certain point you just get bored with them and you can
easily let them go. And if you have the karma yoga view the conditionings get
worked out as you go. As you know the k-yoga view says that the results of
one's actions are not up to the doer. So all you can do is offer them to
Awareness and see what happens.
Sometimes
you really see how they are giving you more pain than pleasure and you just
stop. On my first acid trip I was given a kind of x-ray vision and I could see
into my body when I lit up a cigarette. I experienced in a very direct way the
violence that I was inflicting on my cells with just one puff. I was so amazed
by what was actually going on that I threw the cigarettes out the window and
never smoked again. I had a two pack a day habit of non-filter Camels that had
been going on for ten years. That's a nasty habit if there ever was one. But
the direct knowledge of what I was doing to myself gave
me the confidence to stop. A lot of these so called unpleasant conditionings
are not that unpleasant. The ego gets some sort of payoff from them and they
become part of its identity. Remember what my friend said when I told him to
clean up his life: “Well, Ram, it may be shit but its warm and its mine.”
Maybe
your problem is this desire to be rid of your conditionings. Since they are too
hard to drop why not take the easy path and accept them? If this is a non-dual
reality the conditionings are the Self too. Are they so terrible that you can't
live with them? Many people with physical disabilities accept them and live
good lives in spite of them. Why not do the same with psychological
conditionings? You can say, “I'm wounded. I'm screwed up. I'm a complete
mess…but so what? I like myself as I am. “
When
I met you I thought you were a beautiful attractive person. I thought you were
very intelligent and classy. I thought that if I were twenty years younger you
would be the kind of woman I would love to have as a companion. What was I
seeing? Was it a projection? Look to the bright side. Look to your strengths
and not your weaknesses and you will not feel unworthy and inadequate.
Or
finally, when you get into this confused state of mind try counting your
blessings.
Cynthia:
Anyway I feel some trust in you (the risky parts of my identity are still
working! Useful - isn't it?)
Ram:
Don't trust me, for God's sake, Cynthia. It is not about trusting me. It is
about trusting the ideas I'm passing on. I'm the messenger, not the message.
The Buddha is reported to have said, “Believe nothing you have read or anything
you have heard…even if I have said it…unless it corresponds with common sense
and reason.” I think Vedanta is eminently reasonable and logical. If you trust
me you give me power that you should be giving yourself. If you trust me and I
accept your trust then I have a problem. I have to always be concerned about
keeping your trust. The first time I tell you something you don't want to hear
you will have a ‘trust' issue and our relationship will break down.
Trust
means that there is distrust. This is why Vedanta is about inquiry. Inquiry
means that you are looking for understanding. When you understand something you
do not have to trust it. You know what it is and what it will do. Yes, it is
certainly useful to trust the words of Vedanta until you have verified them in
your own experience but if you understand that you can discover the answer
yourself you will not be burdened by the trust idea. I'm just offering you
different tools for your investigation. You've been using psychology but
psychology is not working. If it was working you would not be suffering
anxiety. Psychology doesn't work because it takes the ego to be the self, does
not adequately address the issue of desire, skirts the values issue and
evidently has no understanding of the fact that the fruits of one's actions are
not up to the doer. There are probably other limitations but I am not an expert
so I don't know.
Cynthia : … although the whole situation seem somewhat strange: a
female solitary fish swimming upwards against the flow of a stream (society and
culture) towards the source (Self). While unfolding "my story" I
cannot help laughing about this super funny movie - poor old Cynthia swimming
against the rest of her little world longing and seeking for the REAL
knowledge. Sorry, but I can't stay serious reflecting this kind of crisis.
Ram:
Yes, it's actually not a crisis at all. Or if it is it is a ‘garden variety'
crisis meaning an ordinary every day existential crisis. These anxieties are
more or less normal. When you start to go into this kind of state remind
yourself that in a few hours or a day or two it will be all over and you will
think life is just fine…until the next time. If you want you can let the mind
run with it and stay alert and before too long you will see how silly it is. Or
you can grab the mind and bring it into the present. Then you look around and
see how lucky you are…how everything you need has been provided.
One
of the things it may be helpful to look at is why you care what society and
people think? If the problem really has to do with how you are perceived I
think you should know that basically people do not really care about Cynthia
and what she is doing or thinking. Mostly people are self concerned and their
interest in others is meaningful to them only in so far as it concerns them. If
this is true then what is the point of living with this consciousness of
‘others?” Why value the opinion of people who are so lacking in love and
acceptance that they can't appreciate your spiritual yearnings and your
unconventional approach to life? Love is when you try to understand how the
other person sees things. If there is no real attempt on the part of others to
find out who you are on a relative plane why value their opinions?
Cynthia:
On one hand I have no doubt at all about the unreality of the ego-world and its
completely conditioned dream state, it is so obvious. On the other hand
identifying with the Self make me feel as if shifting only into another world
of 'dream' because identification is a mechanism of the mind/consciousness. It
seems to be stupid just changing identifications, let go those from the first
half of the century and train another while the second half of the century and
then die. It has the flavor of climbing up the Mount Everest (I'm not a freak
of climbing) just to jump down at the end a little spark within ones heart that
some mysterious thing will enable you to fly/be free at the end.
Ram:
I dealt with this question in the last email so I won't go into it again.
Cynthia:
In these days I again doubt my strength being capable to distinguish and burn
the utmost hindering identifications. I feel very lonesome with my idea of 'A
REAL HOME'
Ram:
What will it take to get you to feel strong enough to deal with your mind when
it is doubtful? When you feel like this it is often helpful to trace the
feeling to its root. If you do you will find the Self.
Cynthia:
Transferring this to my momentary mind state, what could be my fear? To fall
off the bounds of society completely could be one reason. From childhood on in
certain areas I found myself at the borders of the regular society and it was
hard work to feel as 'normal' part of it but in the end I have to acknowledge
that I am still a person of niches (hope you get the meaning?). Sometimes this
feels like being under a curse and sometimes like grace.
Ram:
This is where you have power: take it as grace and forget about it. Why take
the negative view? ‘Feelings' are so very fickle, is it wise to trust them?
Why
not accept that you are a person of ‘niches?' Why do you want to be ‘normal,'
whatever that is, and at the same time want to be different? See how the mind
works: it wants to have its cake and eat it too. I dropped out of society a
long time ago and life couldn't be better. Why give a damn about something as
stupid as society? I'm proud of the fact that I'm different. I think it is a
sign of good mental health. I think there is something wrong with society, not
me. You shouldn't give away your power to a foolish concept.
Cynthia:
A good example for this topic is my disunion about your suggestion in one of
the first letters staying with me in my house for a couple of weeks to support
the integration of non-dual view in everyday life. The society-side comments:
" Neighbours and my son will think of me now running completely crazy - how can I introduce
and declare Ram as a person for them to understand - who is this person - a
teacher, an enlightened one is impossible - why is he here, what is he doing
with her and so on, and so on! My God! And the crazy-Cynthia-side says:
"How wonderful, I even do not have to go to
Ram:
As far as a visit is concerned how would it work if you were all the time
uncomfortable with how it was being perceived by ‘the society side?' I don't think it's wise to give others (or the ‘ otherness' in your mind) that kind of power. What does it
matter what they think? Why do they need an explanation at all? This shows a
lack of self confidence, Cynthia. Probably people already think you are a bit
loopy if as you say you've been living on the edge of society most of your
life. You'd be surprised how tolerant people actually are. The world can tell
you're a good person. People generally just say, “Oh yes, there's Cynthia,
being Cynthia” and forget it right away.
See
the conflict here again. On one side a visit seems like a good thing, on the
other it seems like a bad thing. Here again you have power: choose to see it as
a good thing and dismiss the negative thoughts. Spiritual life is making these
choices, not allowing your freedom to choose to be a ‘dreadful' freedom as the
existentialists used to call it.
This
issue leads to the self esteem problem…by which I mean the feeling of
inadequacy to deal with what life throws in your face. When you are result
oriented anxiety becomes a way of life because you are never sure how things
are going to turn out and whether or not you will be able to deal with what
happens. This situation should cause you to think of your ultimate goal in
life. Is it to achieve a particularly worldly result? For example is it to be
accepted and liked by society? Is it to be materially comfortable? Or is it to
be free? If it is to be free then you have to know what freedom is. So you face
life with a different orientation: the need to understand yourself. If your
true need is to understand yourself then everything that happens teaches you
this lesson. So it doesn't matter if people like you or not, if you have a
certain standard of living or not.
Cynthia:
A second reason could be the fear to loose the remaining little rest of
motivation to earn money as psychotherapist and end up as poor as a church
mouse. Don't laugh, Ram! It is very, very realistic, only a little step far from that. Motivation to DO anything has a
development towards zero the past ten years. Two years ago I designed a picture
above the dining table in the kitchen (favorite place of mine) with a Hakuin upon:"What are you
doing? Nothing! I let life rain on me." It is music to my ears and my soul
- also a deep identification! And what then? I have to
earn money, anyhow not easy in these days.
Ram:
If you don't feel like working, then don't work. Be poor as a church mouse.
It's not the kiss of death. In
Cynthia:
A third reason maybe is ... - I am so tired, Ram. I have to go to sleep to
refresh the body-mind-matter and then we will see what the spirit will reveal
furthermore.
Ram:
OK, sounds good. You can be sure that this mood will pass and life will look
pretty good again before long. In a couple of days I will reply to your
well-written and interesting letter about love and the Self.
Much
love,
Ram