Hi Paula,
Paula: Well, I can see I'm going to
have to stop thinking!!!
Ram:
Au contraire, Paula. Just think
the right thoughts. But I know what you
mean. Anxiety is the one certain
characteristic of relationship love.
Hopefully, you will get to the point where you realize that the joy is
coming from you. This should put the
relationship in perspective. When you
get attached to a certain kind of positive feeling you are skating on thin
ice. This is not to say that there is
anything wrong with this kind of feeling or that it shouldn’t be there, just
that you need to know that it is being produced by the situation, the fact that
one of your vasanas looks like it might get satisfied. And you need to know that it will change, not
necessarily for the worse, it may even evolve into devotion, but it will change. Nonetheless, it seems like there is a common
spiritual interest which is absolutely necessary for someone like you…so that
is a good sign. One thing I didn’t hear
was the downside of this guy. Remember, don’t throw out your discrimination. Take your time to find out what you don’t
like about him. There will be
things. Because if you
take up with him you will be getting the bitter with the sweet. On the other hand, if he’s not an ax murderer
or a child molester, he’s probably pretty much like any normal person and you
can try to do the relationship as sadhana, which I think you will do,
considering how deep your spiritual vasana is.
The danger in at this stage of relationship is that people are on their
best behavior, each one is trying to look just plain wonderful for the other
one…so nothing screws up…so you need to give it time until you are sure that
both of you are being totally real.
Paula: It's funny, really. I had quite firmly decided that no there was
no point in getting involved with anyone, and then this happens. I feel as if the whole thing was almost
unavoidable.... that to turn away from it wouldn't be the right thing to
do. But maybe I'm just deluded - that
sounds deluded, doesn't it?!?
Ram:
Yes. As I’ve said before, you are
always free to say no to anything that comes from the outside. Reality does not validate you. You validate reality. I walk away from opportunities all the time. So you need to take full responsibility for
it, not blame it on fate or God or anything else. You want love and here it is and it’s up to
you to accept it. Or
not.
Paula: It seems more like it's
happening to someone else than to me - I seem to be going with the flow.
Ram:
This is absolutely correct. Don’t
discount this perception. It is not
happening to you. Nothing ever happened
to you. It is an object, a confluence of
factors that is producing a particular experience in your awareness.
Paula: I am quite honestly not expecting anything
from the whole situation at this point.
Whatever happens is fine.
Ram:
Good on you. This is the
spiritual point of view. When the
expectations begin, look out.
Paula: I suppose this relates to what you said in
your last email ... "actually, nobody chooses anything. The forces within them pull them toward
certain objects and push them away from others.
The "choice" is actually an illusion - a notion that happens
when the vasana hits the ego/intellect.
Meditation on the concept "I am not the doer" is meant to wake
one up to this fact. ..."
Ram:
Yes. This is exactly what I was talking about. It isn’t you.
Don’t own it. Observe it. Lest this seem like a contradiction to what I
said above about taking full responsibility for it, that comment was addressed
to Paula. This statement is addressed to
the one who sees it as happening to someone else i.e. the Self.
Paula: So I guess what is happening
is the outpicturing of a vasana.
Ram:
Mind like a lazer, Paula.
Paula: I know that it would probably be wise to stay
well clear, but I don't know, Ram, it's probably all happening for a reason(?)
Ram:
The reason is that you have a desire for a relationship. Don’t imagine that the Self has anything to
do it it. It
loves you no matter what your karmic ties are.
Sometimes you just have to go through what you have to go through. It is not the kiss of death if you end up
disappointed. You just go back to what
you were. When you’re in it you will
long for what you get from not being in it (peace, freedom) and when you are out of it you long for what
you get when you are in it (intimacy, passion).
This is the nature of the mind/ego.
Paula: I'm hoping that I will be able to keep a
peaceful mind no matter what happens, but I might be kidding myself on that
score.
Ram:
It will be pretty much like it is now, after the passion wears out. The mind will be peaceful sometimes and when
it looks like the ego is not getting what it wants, the mind will be agitated.
----
Paula: I've been finding it so hard not to have any
peace since she returned from holiday. I
quite honestly get more peace sitting at my desk at work!
Ram:
It’s probably better to move out.
Your roommate is a good person but she hasn’t a clue what sadhana
is. Yes, Marharji
was a boy wonder saint who came to the
Paula: I had started to think about moving and was
daydreaming about getting a studio apartment (see what
I mean about thinking!! look what's happened!
Ram:
A studio is a good idea, I think. You have a lot of sattva and you need
peace.
Paula: The Self is throwing me out of my apartment,
so to speak) ... But overall I feel like
it's somehow the right thing at the right time ... I'm not thinking about it
too much right now, but just letting it
"percolate"
until Monday, when I feel that I will somehow get inspired with a sense of
direction.
Ram:
That useless Self!
Paula: I seem to be staying pretty
balanced at the moment, though I have to admit to going through a small
struggle over the idea of James - coming back to the realisation
that whatever happens will happen, but none of it can really change me. So far so good, though I am aware it's a
slippery slope and I must watch my footing very carefully.
Ram:
Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, Paula. Make him court you properly. Make sure of what you’re getting. You’re worth it.
Paula: Well, Ram, you never know
just what I'm going to come up with next, do you! Life most certainly is a transient event.
Ram:
I was getting bored sitting here editing Mystic and no new crises. This came at just the right time.
Paula: So now it's
Monday ... Ram I'm sure you're going to have much to say about this, but things
seem to be going really well with Joe though it's very early days and I can't
be entirely sure what's what. He's
certainly a wonderful person - very compassionate and caring; gentle and
open-hearted. He is really at ease with
himself and has a very balanced ego and outlook. We seem to have made a real connection - it
was pretty instantaneous.
Ram: In the old days they called it
‘love at first sight.’ It happens all
the time, Paula. It’s no big deal. If you feel this way in ten years, then it
is something extraordinary. This is
perhaps a chance to do it without all that romantic crap that you told me sunk
your previous relationships.
Paula: I'm actually feeling worried
about the effect this might have on me ... it's so hard not to be disturbed by
it all, and I'm definitely being affected by it and worrying about what will
happen/how it will all proceed (or that maybe it won't!, I'm afraid to
say). Nevertheless, I can't seem to turn
away from it, even though I know the whole thing is really starting to agitate
me.
Ram:
As I said above, anxiety is the signature of romantic love.
Paula: We have already done some
spiritual practice together (heart sutra and other prayers) which I found to be
quite a profound experience, and we have a deep respect for each other's
spiritual practice (he practices Dzogchen buddhism). So it
could be worse!
Ram:
What’s his financial situation?
What about other emotional entanglements? Do some practical research. You have to live in the world too.
Paula: Well, I knew I had to tell you about this,
Ram.
Ram:
I’m glad you did. Don’t forget
me. It’s always good to have the voice
of reason on your side. Whatever comes of it, know that I love you and will
always be there for you.
Ram