Dear Ram,

I know rajas is violent as you said in your last e-mail. I've seen it. I just haven't had enough information to un-hook. It seems to be seeping in though... I have an awareness of it now, and a commitment to not "do" so much, and to rest in movement, and even to rest more often. You've probably heard this before, and you may hear it again... but never mind.

Yes, I think it's a matter of thinking that I have to "accomplish" so much. But you're right... all those little accomplishments don't add up to a hill of beans in the long run.

I've actually been noticing the rajasic element in the world lately, and how it pushes people around. I can see that our whole society is victim to the idea that we have to do all these things to be happy and fulfilled...and we've bought it to the extent that we make ourselves miserable if we don't go along with it... our whole thinking is turned around backwards. And we're running around in circles driving ourselves crazy.

One woman in my group was talking about how she feels captive to food... she has become obsessive about always having food with her, because her schedule is so tight. She feels resistant to the "planner" in her, but when I suggested that she just leave time and space for meals, she didn't give it a moment's thought. It was unthinkable to her to not continue to do all the things she is doing that are causing her to rush around all the time, stuffing herself with food in her car on the way to somewhere important. It was helpful for me to see her dilemma... the whole panorama of rajas was right there before my eyes, and looked almost exactly like my own pattern.

Anyway, I seem to be moving away from "extra" activities and props that don't seem to be "alive" in my life, or contributing to my dearest goals, i.e. understanding the Self, and loving myself as the Self, and living as the Self.

The awareness of rushing is causing me to slow down, to move in a relaxed and graceful manner. I know you're right... the tasks that I think are so important are not important! My own peace is more important! Sometimes I feel so stressed out that I feel almost sick to my stomach doing these things that part of my mind has decided I have to do. I can feel the energy build up and push me... and it is really exhausting and unfulfilling, except to that part of my mind.

How could I think that those little things are more important than my own peace of mind!? I almost have it backwards... John first, then my clients, then me... even though this order might be in service to some part of myself. I can see that it's really selling out to the concept that something is wrong and something needs to be done. Or, I must prove to myself that I am a good person, or making a contribution, or whatever. This must be what you were referring to in one of your e-mails of late.

I'm really grateful to see it... Thanks for your repeated attempts to get across to me. It's a really radical turn-around. And I don't expect that it will be accomplished at once... But it's a big step to just see it and start.

This weekend I'm practicing listening to my body self... and have chosen not to go out in search of any entertainment. It's kind of threatening to my ego... to think that I am at home alone, doing nothing that looks like a sexy life. But I do feel pretty peaceful. This decision has given me the space to do things in a relaxed manner, and to remain present instead of planning.

Ram: Well, this is good news. I sometimes get very disappointed with your justifications and rationalizations for carrying on with a way of thinking and a lifestyle that only causes you harm. So I see in this e-mail a ray of hope. Good for you.

Much love

Cathrine