Dear Ram,

I realized that if the Truth really is the most important thing, then I have to be willing to go through whatever it takes.

Ram: Yes, success on the spiritual path depends precisely on this factor. Shankara calls it mumukshutva, burning desire for freedom. When a fish is out of water it will not settle for food or love or anything else. It knows it will die if it doesn't have water. When this desire turns into a raging fire the guru appears and you are ready to ask the right questions and engulfed in a deluge.

For it to really take root you have to be convinced that the joy of Self knowledge is far beyond the small joys of the senses and mind. The Jains call their mahatmas ‘digambaras' which means ‘sky clad.' All they have to wrap themselves in is the sky, meaning nothing. You don't need to cling to anything but your desire to be free.

Helen: I thought of all the awful possibilities that could happen (homelessness, torture, etc.), and the bottom line is that without Truth, none of this matters anyway. So as I sat in my car by a curb downtown I made (Geez, I'm getting teary just writing about it) that 100% commitment. And I'm well aware that the universe takes these things quite seriously, as unpleasant/difficult things have already started happening, things related to being in complete integrity.

Actually, it was the discomfort of these events that reminded me that I had "taken the pledge." I had done it and forgotten about it. It was a done deal because it was so clearly the only way I could go. I seem to remember doing something similar in the past, but at that moment recently, it felt more real, more final.

Ram: I don't know how ‘the universe' feels about your resolution but I'm happy to hear that you are taking it seriously. It will be a battle for some time: remembering why you are here, forgetting, then remembering again. During our conversations I observed that you seem to be attached to comfort and pleasure which are forgetful modes of living. If you want to overcome these tendencies it is helpful to know that there is no greater pleasure, nothing more comfortable than resting in the Self as the Self.

The only suspect part of your letter are the words ‘more real' and ‘more final.' I'd say this means that you have made a big step but not quite a big enough step. Water only vaporizes at 212 degrees. 211 is very hot but it is still just water. So the next step I'd say was for you to delete the ‘more.'

Ram