Ramji

Carl: I was very pleased that you did write me. And I want to say that if you have something valuable to say, even if it is criticism, I am very ready to hear it.

Ramji: OK. I hope what I have to say helps to clear your mind so you can see your way forward.

Carl: When I came to you in Germany I was confused and did not know whether it was good to stay with Susanne or go on my own. You know already some of our background. It seems that we have a problem of influencing each other in a counterproductive way.

Ram: You suggest a pretty reasonable answer to the problem of having a bad influence on each other later in this letter when you say that the real problem is that you both don't have any important and meaningful work.

Carl: When I chose to go to you it was a kind of goodbye to the life of dependence. It made me feel sad. Driving down the road I asked myself why it could not be possible to stay with Susanne and still do the things I need to do. I'm not sure whether it is running away from the consequences or that I do no want to make trouble outside me where the problem lays inside of me.

Ram: Yes, the problem is in you. You have too much attachment to your wife. The reason you got married is fulfilled: you have financial security and your kids are out in society. You evidently have no common interests. She's not on the spiritual path; she's a frustrated housewife with time on her hands and nothing to occupy her mind so she obsesses about you and what you are doing.

You're trying to come to some kind of understanding in yourself about the purpose of life. You're just finding out what is involved in freedom. You went to India and met me and Swami Sudananda and you are exploring the spiritual option probably because you see that marriage cannot satisfy your innermost need.

So you have two people who are not going in the same direction. She does not want to go on your path and you don't want to go on hers. And anyway you cannot live her life nor can she live yours. Forget for a minute that you are married to her. Forget all the water under the bridge, everything you had together. Would you try to have a relationship with someone with whom you have so little in common? But you want it to be different. How can it be different? It is what it is. You can only accept it and see that you have both come to this point because somehow it was what you wanted. Why not take it as a gift from God?

Even if you don't accept it, what can you do about it? What is the point of staying with somebody you don't really have much in common with…except attachment? Attachment causes existential confusion. Because of it you can't see your way clear.

Carl: You said in your writing that it is possible to live with someone else and still take care of yourself. That is what I have to do, I thought. With that insight I came to see you. Then there were your remarks of doing what you want, and not to want and expect anything out of the relationship. That made my mind more free . I saw that when I have demands and expectations the situation becomes difficult. So I trained myself to be open and non-demanding.

Ram: You have to take care of yourself if you live alone or if you live with someone. You are living with your wife but it is just the same as if you are living alone…because there is no communication. Well, there is communication but it is largely negative. It seems to me that the love…if it was there…has turned into attachment. And even if there is love between two people you are always alone and you have to treat yourself as if you are alone. Most of the important things in life have to be done by you for you in the aloneness of your own consciousness. You do not come down the birth canal holding hands with another person. The caskets they bury you in are only made for one.

Freedom takes a lot of hard work. You can't just make up your mind that you are free and then expect it to last forever. When the old attachments come up…which they do all the time…you have to fight them, fight for your freedom. It is a big war and it goes on a long time.

Carl: It was important for me to feel free and that is why I left so early. Not because I was not interested or that I did not like the situation. Not at all. I loved being with you and was very pleased by the hospitality of Shanti. Just the feeling of wanting to go my own way and just follow my own impulses made me decide to leave early. I had the feeling that I had some more important issues at that moment, like how is life when I wander alone. Your remarks did clear up a lot of confusing thoughts about my relationship. I felt free again and was very motivated to go home and go on with my work.

Ram: When you are attached to anything there is always the companion impulse: to be free. You say, “It was important for me to be free…” You are stifled in this relationship. It is claustrophobic and you want out. It is a natural desire. But the attachment fights with the desire to be free and this drains your energy and confuses your mind. But freedom is more than a feeling. To get free in Maya you have to address the issues that are binding you and break the knots you have tied one by one. It takes time. Yes, the first step is to resolve in your mind to be free but then you have to clean up your karma.

Carl: So I went home, with a more clear and quiet mind. Susanne felt that I was more free , so it worked well for both of us. Back in Holland I had a lot of inspiring ideas. Creativity bubbled up, and I was enjoying that.

Ram: There is no ‘more' or ‘less' free. ‘More' or ‘less' is still in bondage. Freedom is freedom.

Carl: Later on I seemed to sink again into the old swamp. I decided I had to spend more time with the teachings and practice it more and more. For me it does not work to do all the ordinary house, kitchen and garden stuff. I want to do that, but it is not my main goal. So I took time to read the satsangs.

Then there was trouble again. Susanne felt she had no control over what I was doing. She said she did not know what I was occupied with. But I gave her the CD of your website so she can read it for herself. But she does not. Last two days we had two times a very profound discussion about that. She said it felt if I was married to you instead of with her.

Ram: Here is the problem once again: freedom versus control. Susanne needs to ‘get a life' as we say in America. She's a controlling woman. Why should she have control over what you do? Was it written in the marriage contract that she have control over what you do? If she wasn't so insecure she would not be bothered by what you do and what you don't do, particularly after all these years of marriage. She evidently doesn't feel loved by you because if she did she would be happy that you had an inner life and trust that it would come out well…for you. Love means that the other's happiness is more important than your own. She would be counting her blessings instead of finding fault with you and the relationship. And furthermore she evidently doesn't love herself that much either or she wouldn't torment herself with such a silly issue as control. If you are an adulterer or a wife beater she might be justified in interfering with you…but you aren't. So this is all about her inner problems. Controlling you is not going to make her inner problems go away.

She needs to find something that will inspire her and satisfy her inner needs without expecting you to take care of them. If you have been married this long and you are not giving her what she wants and she is not giving you what you want, don't you think it is reasonable to assume that you two are not capable of satisfying each other's emotional needs any more? Why not admit it? It's really too late for that anyway. At your age you both need to figure out how to get satisfaction from within yourselves. This looks like a spiritual problem to me.

Carl: For me my relationship with you looks more like a father-son relationship. I felt an underlying demand I had to choose between the two. But inside I know I have no choice. Later on she did fit in saying that I could do my things whatever I want. But the problem is that I feel claimed because she does no things of her own. So my things become very important for her. "What is a relationship when I don't know what you are doing?" she said.

Ram: You're right. There is no choice on the outer planes. If there is a choice it is to choose freedom. You've boxed yourself into a nice comfortable life on the outer planes but the thought of just going on with business as usual is very depressing. Why? Because how can you be free to be yourself when another person is watching you like a hawk? How can you be free when you allow another person to treat you like a naughty schoolchild? Fuck this notion that you owe her something because you are ‘married.' You owe yourself something…peace of mind. Marriage is a spiritual state.

Carl: So still I don't know what to do. But I think maybe it is not the point doing anything. I told you before. I don't want to destroy what we built in those 30 years.

Ram: Again, you're right. It is not a question of doing anything in the worldly sense. If I were in your shoes I would tell my wife to back off and get a life. I would give her an ultimatum, show her who wears the pants. Where is your anger? Why do you accept this manipulation and control? She's unhappy and out of control sticking her nose into your business. It shows a complete lack of trust. And you enable her to do this by not standing up to her.

If she was my wife I would tell her that I want my ‘space,' that I am fed up with all the emotional psychodrama. And I would be prepared to leave or drive her out of the house…whichever would get her attention. Susanne is not happy and it is not up to you to make her happy. This only she can do for herself. She needs to understand this. But if you force her to look to herself by taking a stand yourself, she will be helped. She may even come to respect you properly.

As for the fear of ‘destroying what you built in thirty years' it seems to me that without love what is a relationship? Is it a bunch of memories and some money in the bank? Sure, dissatisfied people live with each other every day for all sorts of dumb reasons…it's a world-wide phenomena . But is it worth it?

Carl: On the other hand I don't want to run away for my responsibilities. And maybe life asks from us to go our own way, so we can concentrate on what is important for every one of us. But there are expectations in the future.

Ram: What responsibilities? You have no responsibilities that matter. You have fulfilled all your responsibilities. And leave ‘life' out of it. Life doesn't give a damn what you do. It is up to you. Notice the conflict again: ‘but there are expectations…. etc.' The road to hell is paved with expectations and good intentions.

Carl: There are no conditions which must be filled before one can see and live the truth.

Ram: That's right. You just have to get off your lazy ass and start living it. Trying to fix a broken relationship is not going to work. Fix your thinking and the relationship will be fixed.

Carl: So again there is confusion. We think of taking a reading from a good aura reader. Maybe she can say more about what is really the point of this confusion. Maybe we don't see quite clear what elements cause this problem. Is it our life and age? Our lack of meaningful work?

Ram: Have you lost your mind, Carl? For God's sake…an aura reader? Any fool can see what the problem is. The real problem is that you both don't really want to face the fact that the love is gone. If the love is there, then the problems are not problems…they get laid to rest and peace comes.

Carl: This plays a role for Susanne at least. I myself have that also a bit, but I know, Knowing my/the Self is the only important job I have to do. And your remark maybe the karma is finished and leaves you free has also something to do with it.

Ram: Yes, you should get on with your spiritual work. And the immediate spiritual work you have as I see it is to get free of this dead end relationship so that you can get on with your life. Please don't take any hope from my statement that maybe the karma is finished. The karma is finished when you finish it. Karma isn't sitting around waiting to end. It does not take orders from the great Ramji either. You make it every day that you continue communicating with someone with whom you can't properly communicate.

If this is all too radical for you and you want to ‘save' the relationship then you both should commit to couples therapy for at least two years. And you should look into NVC, Non-Violent communication. I suspect you and Susanne have fallen into unproductive ways of communicating. You need to learn how to say things to each other in such a way that it does not provoke an automatic negative response.

No matter what decision you make she is not going to be satisfied because she is really dissatisfied with herself…as are you. So you have to please yourself by going for what you know to be right in your heart.

Carl: This maybe comes somewhat chaotic to you. And also there are of course recurrences. I can understand that, but I trust you can pick the important parts out of it.

In the middle of all this I do not loose my confidence in the Self. That's why I think sometimes: just leave it as it is. Just do your job and things will be what they have to be. Or if it is really necessary to split up, can the signs not be more clear and specific? I don't know for sure what life asks Or does it not ask anything?

Ram: It doesn't ask anything. This is just a way to avoid taking responsibility for the problem. Again, you're right about the Self. You can just leave it and it will be OK. But ‘leaving' it might very well mean ending the way you communicate with your wife. There are plenty of specific signs. What do you want…a black crow to fly down your chimney in the dead of night and say, “Seek the Self, Maya is unreal. ” The signs are your deep existential dissatisfaction, her manipulative controlling ways and your passive-aggressive approach to relationship.

Carl: This is for now the situation. But I am all right. That is always the thing. Even when I don't feel it that way.

Ram: That's right. You are just fine. Fuck the feelings. This is a small problem. Millions of people go through this every day. And it all gets resolved eventually. The point I'm making is: be kind to yourself by cutting short your suffering. Why prolong the misery?

Ramji, you know, I am very curious about what you have to say about this.
Or is it a repetition of what you said before? In every case I wish you lot of luck, a very good New Year. I am as always very grateful. Hope to meet you again in this new year .

Love

Carl

Ramji: Thanks for the good thoughts. I hope I haven't been too hard on you but this needs to get sorted out so you can start enjoying yourself. Things here are fine…busy, but good busy…and time is flying which means I must be having fun. Write soon.

Love,

Ram