Dear Ramji,

I didn’t feel like writing for a long time now. I guess it is because I’m feeling particularly frustrated with the householder's life. There never seems to be enough time to tune in, meditate, etc. I have more of a need to meditate these days and feel a hollow feeling sometimes until I do. I've meditated almost every day this week for at least a half an hour, but need to do so for an hour because my mind is so busy for the first half. I have a really bad headache right now and tried to meditate, but it's the same.

Ram: Well, Alicia, meditation doesn’t work unless you have the right attitude toward life. What is that attitude? You see that you are part of a great creation and that you were put here for a reason and that you have a role to play, a role that is not self-assigned. You understand that things don’t happen because you want them to happen and you’re cool with that. So when things come or don’t come you do not get bent out of shape. You remain calm. You understand that at any moment you are getting what you need whether or not your ego wants are being met and you are happy with it. If you have this attitude then the mind becomes meditation-worthy. You can’t keep thinking like a worldly person and expect meditation to help. What is undoubtedly causing the agitation are your views about life, particularly actions and their results. I don’t think you’ve realized that the results of your actions aren’t up to you. When you figure that out, you relax and take what comes, good and bad, as a gift from God. The purpose of the religious attitude is to neutralize the likes and dislikes which agitate your mind, causing the headaches, keeping you from enjoying a relationship with a man, etc. If you don’t examine your views and unhook those that are creating emotional conflict, how is meditation going to help? It will be like treading water. You will end up spending most of the meditation clearing out the agitation that you are producing away from the seat of meditation.

Alicia: Anyway, what you said in your last letter about how I keep saying I want to meditate and don't hit me hard in a good way. Maybe that's what bothers me about Tom. I criticize him for not being on a spiritual path--the one that I want to be on and am not half the time. He likes Eckhart Tolle's book, so I'm going to give him his own. He's an unusual person and I have many questions about him, but also have some kind of strange connection with him. I have to take it where it will go. It's all a mystery to me. Like you said in your email, I am looking at him through my vasanas. What I want to know is, doesn't there have to be some way that we are more attracted to one person than another?

Ram: Sure, it’s the vasanas. If you have a vasana for black people, they will be attractive to you. If you have a vasana for rich guys with big muscles they will seem attractive to you. It’s your wants make people either attractive or unattractive. It’s pretty superficial but nothing wrong in it. What I’m saying is that on the level of wants and people, things are always changing. When you get what you want in a person you don’t stop wanting things from that person. You keep right on. So you put the person in a heck of a position...keeping you happy. And since they think like you, they expect you to fulfill their wants... which may involve doing things that you don’t like. And the person is changing too, not to mention the relationship, so there are all these uncertain factors working to either make or break the relationship... so you end up in a more or less constant state of anxiety. Even thinking about a relationship produces anxiety in you, not to mention the real thing. This is not because there is anything wrong with you or the other. It’s just the nature of samsara. The problem is thinking that it can be different. It can’t.

If you want a successful relationship both people have to surrender to the relationship, not to each other. This is what happens in India. And it works pretty well.

Additionally, both you, the subject, and Tom, the object, are a combination of positive and negative qualities. So even if some things are acceptable other things aren’t so there is not going to be any peace if you expect ‘the other’ to get rid of the bits that irritate you. And vice versa. I’m not saying don’t have a relationship. Have one. But don’t think it is going to solve any problems. It will just create new ones. This is so because you are the problem. You don’t seem to be able to just let things be and enjoy them for what they are. You want it a certain way. And the sad fact is that life really doesn’t care how you want it. It is going to give you what it wants to give you whether you like it or not. You consult the stars because you want to know what life is about to throw your way. So, if you want to have a nice time in this world you need to be ready to take disappointment as a gift and also see the pain behind the pleasure. There is no nirvana here, Alicia. It is a mixed bag. It has always been a mixed bag, and it will always be a mixed bag. So you are not going to get over on yourself by having a relationship or by not having one. Wouldn’t it be more profitable to ask yourself why you think that a man is going to make you happy?

It also might be profitable to look into your definition of “spiritual.” By most accounts spirituality means developing and following a program designed to make the mind clear and balanced. I can’t see that reading spiritual books and going to India qualifies unless one is actually doing one’s daily life as sadhana. I’m not criticizing you, because interest in spirituality is the first step. But there comes a time when you have to walk the talk, no matter how difficult it seems to be. I would not say that concern about whether a potential boy friend is on or off the path is actually a ‘spiritual’ concern. A spiritual concern would be ‘why do I not have an abiding mind?’ The purpose of a clear mind is to make an inquiry into the Self. Doing one’s life as one’s spiritual practice means that one’s primary goal is enlightenment. I’m not sure how any program of spiritual work would be successful if enlightenment were just one of several goals. Or if it were a secondary goal; “I’ll get to work on myself when I get all set up with my soul mate,” for example.

Alicia: Maybe our vasanas want people to have certain qualities for a reason. Why is it not OK to want a person to have certain qualities--like spirituality, thoughtfulness, open-mindedness, fun, etc. How do we weed people out and decide who to get to know?

Ram: The vasanas don’t want anything. They are your wants. You believe they will make you happier than you are, which is a very questionable proposition. Sure, it’s fine to want what you want, but can’t you see that want itself is the problem? Does the wanting stop when you get what you want? It does not. So you haven’t solved anything by getting what you want. I don’t know why you are so resistant to this idea. Most everyone on the spiritual path sees to some degree that getting what they want from the world hasn’t and can’t work. The Course in Miracles says, “From what you want God won’t save you!” So someone on the spiritual path should be trying to solve the problem another way. Worldly people believe that getting what one wants equals happiness but spiritual science says that the cause of unhappiness is the belief that one is a needy wanting creature…and not the whole and complete being that God made us.

If he’s not an ax murderer, a child molester or a strong arm robber; if he bathes regularly and pays his bills and treats you nicely then why not just accept him? For God’s sake Alicia, you are so darn fussy, you’re never going to find a guy. There is always something wrong. Think of what is right.

The fact is, Alicia, you are not going to be any different if you have a relationship. It is not a magic bullet. Your anxieties, fears, desires, etc. are coming along to the relationship. So you are going to have to deal with the same stuff. There is no way around it. The spiritual option is about taking care of your stuff first and seeing what happens. “Seek ye the kingdom of heaven and all else will be added unto you.” If you had put half the energy into living a peaceful life that you have into being dissatisfied with the life you’re leading, you’d have God himself asking you out. You don’t want to let go of one thing and at the same time you expect Mr. Right to come waltzing into your life. What is wrong with this picture?

Alicia: Maybe I am not as spiritual as I might think, so that is why I could even consider being with someone who is an atheist.

Ram: Yes, that is true, but why does it matter what his views about God are? If he treats you well and is fun to be with, why not accept him? All due respect, Alicia, but you are in a very big state of denial about spirituality. Spirituality is about getting a clear mind. And you get a clear mind by analyzing the views that are disturbing you and letting them go. Why you can’t see that this obsession about a guy is not serving you spiritually, I don’t know. Am I the only one of your friends that is telling you that a man is not going to solve your problem? Most of the forty-something and fifty-something women that I meet have figured this out or have strong suspicions that it is true. My view is that this obsession is preventing you from actually taking yourself seriously. Sure, your mom and dad found each other and loved each other and will stick together till the day one of them dies and this is quite remarkable….but that is them, Alicia. There are different people, from a different time, with different views, etc.

Alicia: Or maybe there's a mysterious reason why he knows me.

Ram: There is no mystery, Alicia. He’s a lonely guy who wants love, just like you.

Alicia: I do feel that if I weren't that spiritual, that I would not care if a person had that side.

Ram: Sure, it’s good to want a spiritual type. So why not write him off and keep looking? If you’re not ready to write him off, it probably means that you’re not that spiritual. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Alicia.

Alicia: Would you want to get romantically involved with someone who had no spiritual inclinations, but was a good person?

Ram: Yes, they’re the best. There’s nothing ‘spiritual’ about spirituality. A good person is a spiritual person. My parents didn’t believe in God but they were more spiritual than ninety nine percent of the ‘spiritual’ and religious people I meet.

Additionally, ‘spiritual’ doesn’t really solve any problems, Alicia. Spiritual only means that someone admits they don’t know who they are. It does not put them above the ones who don’t admit it. I see so many spiritual types here every day and in many ways they are in worse shape than the ordinary hard working worldly types.

If you want to qualify as ‘spiritual’ according to the Vedic system, you have to be going for a quiet mind. The reason you would go for a quiet mind is because only a quiet mind can grasp the fact that everything is just fine as it is. I believe that the reason you are so confused about the whole relationship business is because your goal is not clear. I think you think you can have the relationship and pursue spirituality at the same time. If you were clear about what you wanted there would be no problem. If you really wanted a guy, it wouldn’t matter if he had some deficiencies. You would just love him warts and all and that would be that. If you were going for freedom, you would be clear that a relationship is not going to get you free.

Alicia: Tom is very thoughtful, dependable, fun and likes nature. I don't care for the side that seems to march off to events and gallery openings, etc. and the fact that he is self-admittedly cheap. I also question his occupation and lack of spiritual focus.

Ram: If it weren’t these things, it would be something else, Alicia. And, there is the whole question of what he doesn’t like about you. Are you willing to ‘change’ and give up the things he doesn’t like about you if he will give up the things you don’t like about him? This whole relationship business is a two way street, Alicia.

Alicia: I want to be with someone more on my wavelength

Ram: All due respect, Alicia, but which wavelength? You seem conflicted about what you want. Is the guy supposed to change when you switch wavelengths?

Alicia: and yet this person has appeared in my life and wants to be with me. What do do?

Ram: Well, Alicia, just because someone wants something from you is not a statement about you at all. Reality does not validate you in any way. It is up to you to validate reality. If someone kisses me and says I’m a great guy it is not a statement about me. If someone spits in my face it is not a statement about me. It is up to me to make something of it...or not. If I don’t know what I really want in life then I will have to let life tell me what I want. But this is a very dangerous situation. The Bhagavad Gita says that it is much better to do a third rate job on your own dharma than a first rate job on some else’s. I want you to be happy, and have charted the path, and follow it... so you’re going to do what I want? You’re going to do what you’re going to do. It is not up to me. I love you no matter what you do. I’m offering these ideas because you have admitted that things aren’t working even though you think of yourself a spiritual, not because you will be more acceptable to me if you change. Think about it Alicia. If you want him to be different before you even have a relationship, how is it going to be when you have a relationship? My view is that you want him to be different because you want yourself to be different. Why not just focus on getting your own spiritual ducks in line and let him worry about his...if he wants. Love means that he has to be OK all the time. If you can’t see him as OK, that is conditional love and you will suffer for it.

Alicia: Why did you choose to get involved with Patricia and even take it to the sexual level?

Ram: I didn’t choose to get involved with Patricia. God wanted us to meet. I told you how it happened. There was no way it could have been anything other than the Lord’s will. There is always a sexual undercurrent between the sexes. It is natural. But the spiritual undercurrent was much more powerful. So the sexuality tapered off and stopped altogether after about six months as the spiritual component grew and grew. But the drying up of the sexual vasana did not negatively affect the relationship. On the contrary, it allowed it to go deeper in love. Two years on we are very close friends and will be for as long as we live.

Alicia: How do people choose each other?

Ram: In unconscious people, the vasanas do the choosing. Conscious people don’t let the vasanas be the only factor because they know the danger. All this dithering about Tom means that even though you don’t seem to want to admit it, you have serious doubts about following your feelings, as well you should. This is the mark of someone who has lived a bit and been burned. It is good.

Alicia: You always say that I am looking for something outside of myself and if I were spiritually fulfilled, I wouldn't care about relationships.

Ram: I said that you would have fulfilling relationships if you were fulfilled. If you start out incomplete, relationship does not make you complete. If you start out full, relationship will not be a problem.

What seems suspicious about your attitude toward relationship is the complete absence of critical views. Relationships are a mixed bag by all accounts. But you defend them as if they were not subject to the same dualities that everything else in the creation suffers. Furthermore, a relationship is by definition outside yourself. So it would only be attractive if you were missing something. The fact is that you already have what you think you are going to get out of a relationship... but you can’t see it.

Alicia: So why did you care to get involved with Patricia?

Ram: Because I had something to give her. The way she came into my life was unbelievably spiritual. And the way the relationship has evolved proves that that was right. We’re not ‘involved’ at all with each other these days. We have the greatest love and respect for each other but there is no attachment. We enjoy each other’s company immensely but she lives her life and I live mine.

Alicia: Many people are in relationships as a spiritual path.

Ram: I disagree. People may believe that, but if the goal of spirituality is freedom, how does a relationship with anyone other than a free person, help you attain that goal? Two bound, conditioned people does not equal two free people…in either the short or the long run. If you study the scriptures you will see that there are actually only two lifestyles sanctioned for people who are going for liberation, the renunciate and the householder. And the householder is a duty-oriented lifestyle that is meant to end in middle age...when the person takes up the next stage...consciously seeking God. It is not about finding a mate for life.

Alicia: I'm not lonely and looking for completion in someone else.

Ram: OK. So what do you want from him? If that is true then why does it bother you that he isn’t up to the mark on all your needs for man?

Alicia: With him I do miss talking about spiritual things and also being inspired by my partner. I also feel that I need to make new friends who are also more inspiring because they meditate or whatever. I need more of a focus of this in my life now and I think that is why I am so frustrated and don't feel like I have enough TIME. When you live as you do, you have a lot of time to read, think, meditate, BE.

Ram: I know how you feel. But it that is true then you should join a group where you have spiritual support. I was just as hectic and stressed as you at one time, Alicia. I made a conscious decision to lead a quiet, contemplative life and I patiently worked myself out of the life I had. I was never short of relationships and opportunities for relationships. In fact the quieter I got, the more attractive I became to everyone. It is just a matter of priorities. My view is that you are in the window shopping stage of spirituality. You are definitely interested but you have not bought the goods. When a person is committed these relationship and time issues do not arise and if they do, one sacrifices them for one’s primary goal.

You don’t have time, because you are doing way too much. You will not let go of anything. And additionally, you don’t do what you do in the right spirit, so you are always stressed. If you changed your attitude, you would enjoy what you’re doing and ‘time’ would not be an issue. A spiritual person uses everyday life situations to gain a quiet mind. You do not seem to have figured this out. Spirituality is not a vacation from life. It is the way you live your life.

Alicia: I know. I had that in India. I also feel drawn to helping people in the way I do at my job. Don't feel that I’m supposed to be doing just what you are.

Ram: I don’t. But your job does not solve all problems, does it? How does it help in this hunt for Mr. Right? And in fact, I recall a number of letters in which you complained about the stresses of work. I’m not touting a lifestyle for gaining a quiet mind because I want you to do what I do. It is just a common sense idea. If you can get unstressed any other way, be my guest.

Alicia: I'd love to have you come and visit in May. It's so beautiful then and I and my friends would love to see you. They all like you! I miss you and send a big hug. Thanks for your insights and inspiration!

Ram: You are more than welcome, dear Alicia. I miss the heck out of you too. I know this letter may have sounded a bit edgy but I think we are up to a bit more confrontational, tough love kind of relationship, don’t you? Believe me I’m not trying to guru you. I really like you and I see you as a dear friend. The reason I’m so certain about what I say is because these ideas have worked for thousands of years on millions of people and they worked for me.

Much love,

Ram