Dear Alica,
Well, the resolution to quit
worrying about relationships is probably a good one. I hope you’re able to stick with your
spiritual program. It may be difficult
at first, but once you get over longing for a guy the energy can flow in the
right direction. I always thought that
your near obsession with relationship masked the real need: a spiritual
longing, one that can only be satisfied by understanding that you are complete
as God made you and that nothing external is required to make you happy.
I thought it interesting that you
felt and you and John wouldn’t be friends because I believe that one should not
even consider an emotional involvement with someone who isn’t a friend. Only friends can deal dispassionately with
relationship issues. Friendship is a lot
closer to real love than sexual/emotional love.
Friends will still love you if you fail to satisfy their emotional
needs. Friends will not burden each
other with unreasonable emotional demands, like ‘being there’ for you all the
time. Sex and emotion are a natural part
of life but they need to be contexualized by love, not expected to stand on
their own.
Often the issue is deeper than just
sexual/emotional needs. Very often they
are just a gross representation of the need to feel validated by someone
else. I think perhaps women have this
need pounded into them more than men. Buy this I mean the view that one isn’t
really a woman unless one has a man. And
beneath this idea is the even more difficult issue of identification with one’s
gender. I know I’m a bit ahead of the
curve on this one but I don’t think of myself as a man. Believe me, I
didn’t always see it that way. But as I
worked out my sexual/emotional stuff I realized that it really had nothing to
do with who I really am. The way I see it now, and I think this is the
healthiest view, is I see a man’s body stuck to my immortal self - but it is
more a funny appendage that has nothing to do with me, like an appendix or a
set of useless tonsils than anything real or important. Sure, the sexual/emotional feeling
are there, my pathetic two point two hormones are still capable of
kicking up a bit of a ruckus, but I know how impermanent they are and refuse to
give them more weight than they deserve.
There are so many things in life that need to be taken care of first –
health, money, meaningful work, recreation, etc.
The spiritual side of the
relationship issue should be concerned with the ‘why?’ Why do I want somebody in my life? Why am I not content with myself as I am? Why do I think that somebody else can improve
my life? Am I actually bored with
myself? Am I actually lonely? Why am I lonely in a world of six billion
people? Who is lonely? Who is needy? As you know this is what the sages are
saying. Who is this ‘I’ that seems to
want things? Is this ‘I’ really me? Will this ‘I’ be able to give me lasting
satisfaction? You are a spiritually
awakened person. You are nobody’s
fool. You question so much in life. Why don’t you question this need for a
man?
There is one more issue that comes
to mind from your last e-mail: the idea that relationships are valuable because
they show you what you have to work out.
I don’t agree if it means that what you work out in relationships is
more valuable than what you work out out of relationships. It seems to me that one’s unconscious mind is
outpictuing all the time, whether or not anyone is in front of you, and you
have to deal with this stuff no matter what.
Often relationships just distract you from dealing with your stuff. You often believe that if you are excited
enough and loved enough the subjective stuff won’t be a problem. But this isn’t how it is. It is going to come up no matter what. It seems to me that a spiritual person is
someone who understands that his or her primary responsibility in life is
dealing with unresolved unconscious issues, laying them to rest once and for
all. I believe that our real task here
is to gain the kind of equipoise that comes from having examined one’s beliefs
and opinions, one’s needs, etc. and discarded those that don’t serve one’s
highest need. Yes, I know it’s not easy,
but the alternative, just leaving it all there so it can come up over and over
and disturb oneself and others is much less
appealing.
Anyway, Alicia, these are my
ramblings on the subject of relationship.
None of it is aimed specifically at you, although some of it may be
useful.
As for me things are just fine. The Bavarian spring is lovely. I’m staying in
a lovely house in a small village of nine families out in the rolling hills of
upper
Anyway, Aliciaji, you need to know
that I love you totally and that you are one of my absolutely favorite people
for a variety of reasons, none of which will be enumerated here.
Much love,
Ram