Dear Ram:

Let me just say, I am glad. I enjoy reading your satsangs and thank you for including me. I hope I will benefit from them. Would it be okay with you if our relationship is based on friendship and affection, appreciation of nature, etc. as opposed to a relationship between an enlightened person and a person seeking enlightenment?

Ram: Yes, because I don’t think you are seeking enlightenment and I am not looking for someone to enlighten. I’ve always felt affection for you, that is a given in every relationship I have. Nevertheless, please consider what I have to say because ‘enlightenment’ needs to play some kind of role in nearly every one of my relationships, not with me as ‘teacher’ and the other as student because I don’t think this is a very good basis for a relationship but the person I have a relationship with needs to be committed to some kind of spiritual path. I think that healthy relationships involve more than the personal needs of two individuals…they involve two individuals who appreciate and support each other’s relationship with something higher. And in relationship it should be understood that the primary relationship is the individual’s relationship with themselves, not with the other. The relationship with the other should be secondary, a subset of the primary relationship. In relationship to each other they are equal but in relationship to the other’s self relationship, they are subordinate.

I’m glad that you are seeking to get it clear beforehand. Before one even considers a ‘relationship’ with someone I think it is important to understand why one wants a relationship in the first place. My basic interest in relationship involves direct communication between equal participants on subjects of mutual interest. But, I’m sorry to say, since there are almost no topics that interest me except ‘what is enlightenment’ this makes me pretty much a one issue guy. If I were lonely or needy companionship might be a reason but I’m not. Appreciation of the same activities may be a legitimate basis of a relationship but this limits my appeal because about the only things I enjoy are walking, reading, writing and conversing about God. I’ve done my business bit and my travel bit and just about every other ‘bit’ imaginable and I’m not motivated to dig up any ‘new’ or ‘exciting’ activities. I’m in the winter of my life, moving inexorably toward the grave, so I’m at the place where an exciting evening involves a quiet conversation with someone I care for on ‘important’ topics, perhaps an interesting movie, but never a party for mindless socializing, a dance, or a religious function. I’m pretty boring on the activity level if you really must know. Sure, I’ll do the ‘one off’ just for a lark but basically my whole life is taking place ‘within’ me. If I have any passion it is for satsang, discussion on the topic of the meaning of life.

So I don’t do friendships that don’t involve some sort of dialogue on the subject of why we are here on earth in these funny meat tubes. I am not ashamed to admit that I am hopelessly bored with small talk and only do it occasionally. I’m getting old and enjoy my own company greatly and prefer silence to mindless chit chat. I absolutely refuse to do a relationship with ‘issues.’

The problem I have with people who are not consciously on the spiritual path is that because they usually believe that the question of happiness is to be solved only with reference to the options presented by society, (pleasure, wealth, duty, power, fame, relationship, etc.) they often have ‘problems,’ and ‘issues’ and are often burdened with inner conflicts. And there comes a point, if the relationship has any depth, that I end up having to share their suffering. This is only bad from my point of view if the person does not realize that outer solutions are not workable and resists the idea of self inquiry…since I believe that most existential problems can only be addressed by a commitment to self inquiry.

Enlightened or unenlightened I don’t have any problems. I’m not here to get anything to learn anything. My heart is pure. I don’t need existential help in any way and I am not going to bring personal longings, guilts, and confusions to a relationship. But, because my heart is pure, people feel compelled to let me see what is in their hearts. I swear, complete strangers come up to me and tell me the most intimate details of their lives. It happens all the time but in India it was amazing. I dressed like an Indian and looked like one and men would come up to me and although I had no idea of what they were saying on the surface I understood it was a confession. They would tell everything, sometimes even breaking down and weeping. And when it was over they would wander off much relieved. So when this happens, as it inevitably does in one way or another in my relationships, then I offer the only solution that I know, the one that worked for me and the one that has worked since time immemorial: seek the Self.

If the person keeps insisting on making life work according to his or her desires and is basically uninterested in the topic of Self inquiry, then it is a waste of time to pursue the relationship. Very often people try to enlist me in helping them get something they want from life…or they think I am what they want…but I don’t give it to them because I can see that it will not solve the problem that they think it will solve. So the person needs to be sensitive to what I want.

What do I want? As you can see I have really lived. I am not going to get excited by a passionate love affair, an adventure to an exotic local, financial security, or any other worldly thing. What does turn me on is to see people respond to the spiritual message, to see them wake up and get hope and get to work on themselves. If this happens I am the absolutely best friend a person can want. I will give you the shirt off my back and suffer untold torment for you.

But if a person is completely confused about what they want, is still trying to make the world work or to squeeze a bit more joy out of worldly things and has not actually considered or has a healthy resistance to the spiritual viewpoint then I get quickly bored and wander off to spend time with people who understand and appreciate what I have to give. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Love is as much about giving as it is about getting. I don’t feel happy if I can’t give love in the form that most satisfies me: intelligent heartfelt dialogue on the topic of the Self. That doesn’t mean non-stop satsang. Far from it. There is nothing more boring than the self - obsessed ‘spiritual’ crowd. Give me a good Montana redneck any day. But a sincere interest should be there from the other person’s end so that the relationship keeps developing and growing. You don’t have to worry about me, spirituality is my life. I keep up my end of the bargain. I know where we are going and I know how to guide a relationship in the right direction. I don’t think this is a ‘no’ to your question, but I’d be interested to hear how you read what I just said.

Mary: I know that I can, will and do learn from you: but what I really want is to enjoy you, you humor, your insights, your warmth and joy; to laugh with you, to be real with you, trusting in our friendship and affection.

I don't know that I am on the path to enlightenment or have the mental intellect or energy right at this time to devote myself to the readings or studies, et. And I don't want to loose the opportunity to know you, because of that.

Ram: I don’t think you are on the path to enlightenment, Mary, at least not consciously. If you were on the path to enlightenment you probably would have said, “I am on the path to enlightenment.” No blame. Aside from your career and your causes, your heart has been looking for love in relationship. I think you thought that if you could get the right guy the loneliness you feel would go away. I’d like to hear more about what conclusions you came to about the relationship with Gary. This will help me to better understand whether or not I can be of service to you.

Mary: You may want to tell me, as you did Judy to get off of my ass and get with the program.

Ram: Well your situation and her’s are quite different. She has been doing meditation and retreats for years, gone to India, the whole spiritual nine yards. She fancies herself to be a spiritual person, yet she whines and complains and seeks unsuccessfully for love in the world. So with her it’s a ‘money where your mouth is’ argument. You have not signed on, you’re not even sure if there is anything to sign on to or if you would sign on if there were anything to sign on to. And frankly, this is actually a better position to be in. You may not be ready to work on yourself but at least you don’t have that detrimental ‘spiritual’ overlay.

It’s not about studying books at all. It’s about listening to what someone like me has to say and responding favorably. I’m not going to suggest that you take up a whole lot of ‘spiritual’ activities. I would imagine, if I remember you well, that you are up to your ears in activities. You are in the autumn of your life and I would think that you might be considering actually doing less.

What I want to talk about with you is whether the old idea of who you are has solved the problem it purports to solve. I want to introduce you to some new ways of thinking about yourself and what you are actually doing here on earth. And then once you understand what I’m saying to perhaps help you put these ideas into practice, should I be invited to do so.

The most attractive people to me are those who are working on themselves, those who are transforming themselves. There is nothing more boring that a person who is going nowhere, stuck in the same old patterns and who, in the fullness of time, will, like my father on his deathbed say, “Too soon old, too late smart.” Well, it’s good to wake up on your deathbed but it is better to wake up when you have some life left in you, not to live the life of the living dead…just going along with one’s programming, trying to accomplish worldly goals, losing one’s Self in all the distractions that life has to offer.

Mary: But, I hope that won't be the only basis of our friendship. I look forward to talking.

Ram: It’s not about power or anything crass like that for me, Mary. I don’t have disciples, or devotees, or students or anything of the sort. I have friends, some of whom have solved the existential riddle. Most are committed to solving it using the spiritual approach. There are several where spiritual topics are rarely discussed but where the spiritual undercurrent is so obvious and powerful that nothing needs to be said. There are others where we communicate almost exclusively and intensely about the Self. There are a few who are just beginners and some who are very knowledgeable. There is no particular rule. Something happens within when you meet someone with whom you resonate spiritually…and you know it. And if you are true to that feeling and express yourself openly then the relationship can take any form. So let’s talk and see what happens.

You’re a lawyer. Think of this letter as a statement of intent, perhaps a kind of spiritual contract, a derivative. This is what I expect and what I am willing to deliver. If you sign on the dotted line I sue you if you get off topic. If I fail to deliver you take me to court.

Mary: Much love and affection,

Mary.

Ram: Ditto.

Ramji