Dear Ram,
Well, it's certainly true that being
in a relationship doesn't make you any happier than not being in one - but I
pretty much knew that anyway. It's good
to have it confirmed.
Ram:
The spiritual issue is always whether or not you have a realistic view
of relationship…what it can do for you and what it can’t. So, if you are clear about the benefits and
limitations you are free to enjoy.
Celeste: Don't get me wrong ... we are getting on very
well indeed and I think he's wonderful and all of that ... there are no
problems (not that there is likely to be right at the start of something!) but
it's good to see that I am essentially just the same as before. Happy before, and happy
now.
Ram:
Good on you, Celeste. It’s always
nice to know that the relationship idea needn’t be fraught with a lot of
anxiety. The possibility of getting
what you wanted probably manifested because you were already happy. In fact you are happiness itself.
Celeste: Except with a bit more excitement and at
times a fair bit more rajas in general to contend with. And the fact that getting involved with
someone has tapped into a couple of my emotional issues from the past (just
minor stuff really, and it's been good to be able to confront it with the use
of discrimination and begin to see things differently).
Ram: Right. This is why, if you are not expecting a
relationship to bring happiness , it can be a kind of
sadhana. The reason it works this way
for you is that you are spiritually awake and know that the primary
relationship, the one that really counts, is with your Self/self.
Celeste: Because I'm enjoying this so much I can feel
the tentacles of attachment coming in .... but I have a strong desire to keep things in perspective
.... reminding myself that there is nothing to
actually be
attached to, and what would I want/hope to
get from becoming attached? Certainly not some kind of permanence.
Ram:
Whether you get a ‘permanent’ relationship or not isn’t really the
issue, is it? Because
attachment itself is suffering.
Celeste: The attachment presents not so much as a
clingy thing, but more the fear side ... that it's suddenly going to end (my fear
of rejection coming in!). But then I
remind myself that if it did I would simply be able to return 100% of my focus
to my spiritual practice
without this "distraction", which
is potentially a happier (more peaceful) situation anyway.
Ram:
The way I think about it is that the upside always cancels the
downside. There are advantages and
disadvantages to both being in one and out of one. You don’t get over on yourself by
relationship or non-relationship.
Celeste: Having said that, we talk about spiritual
things anyway and are learning from each other, so he's not exactly a terrible
distraction!
Ram:
Those satsangs should be cultivated.
If along the way you find that there is less and less of it and more and
more of ‘the relationship,’ look out.
Celeste: The satsang that you had with Mark had quite
a powerful effect on me for some reason.
I really found it very useful. It
was interesting that you started by explaining the meaning of that verse "
that verse in it at the Sivananda Centre at satsangs, so I come across that one a
fair bit.
Ram:
That was a good one. I’ve had
great feedback on it. I never met the
guy, actually. He read Meditation and Tripura Rahasya and he was so
affected that he asked if he could come and see me. He lives on a South Pacific island. So he is coming on Tuesday to ‘see me in the
flesh.’ Interesting, eh?
Celeste: I hope it's not too boring for you that at
the moment my letters to you seem to focus around this relationship ... I would
like that to not be the case, but obviously the whole thing is occupying my
thoughts quite a lot, and all my spiritual work at the moment seems to come
down to centering myself in the midst of it all .... challenging attachment, reminding myself of what is real/not
real; permanent/not permanent ... that I am whole and complete actionless
awareness ...
watching the ego .... and
just working through the whole thing from a spiritual perspective and trusting
that my path somehow leads right through it, since I seem to have made the
choice to get involved. At
least he's aware of the issue of
grasping/attachment and not wanting to go there, so it does help. I can see how impossible it would be with a
samsari who is all too oblivious to the whole issue and effect of
attachment.
Ram:
That’s great, Celeste. I have the
utmost admiration for the way you are keeping your mind on what’s important and
using your spiritual wisdom to run your life.
No matter what the outcome of this relationship ‘on the ground’ you will
definitely benefit from this approach.
No, the letters aren’t boring.
Keep them coming.
Celeste: Thank you for your help Ram
- I am ever grateful.
Ram:
As always, it is my pleasure.
Celeste: Where are you now?
I have no location. I pervade and encompass the entire
universe. However, that small aging body
that, along with infinite others that I enliven with my presence, is in
Love,
Ram