Dear Ram,

Thank you so much for your help and guidance.  You inspire me with the confidence to keep inquiring.

Ram:  It is my pleasure, Trudi.

Trudi:  Things have been good lately.  Today I feel I came close to a deeper understanding.

Ram:  From reading this letter I would say that your understanding is excellent, only in need of a little tweaking. 

Trudi:  I think I have always known that what I am seeking is all about surrender, when all is said and done.  To surrender to that which I already am.  It's a call that has been with me to go beyond what I know; to go past the safety barrier.  The thing that keeps me from it, despite my so-called desire to be enlightened, is actually an unwillingness to just let go of the story so as to "be enlightened".  I say I want it, but I don't want it enough; I just want things to be good without doing what is actually required, perhaps.  And yet, let the story be – it will run its program just fine while the real me sits and watches the play.  So what's the big deal?

Ram:  The last two sentences in the paragraph above beautifully encapsulate the essence of Self knowledge.  You could just stop here and never speak again.     

Trudi: I sat and asked myself, is this story of Trudi actually so important?  Am I willing to give it up?  There has always been a fear of being other than this person with a past, present and future.  But I asked myself what is so special about it anyway?  From a place of awareness I let images of myself as a little girl and so forth come in, and it seemed that really everything was OK - not really good or bad, and not worth clutching onto.

Ram:  This is absolutely right.  The ‘place of awareness’ is just your natural point of view.  How special or important are any of these billions of bodies and minds?

Trudi:  I thought about what is happening in life now, and whether I could let go of my identification with it; in theory at least, I can!

Ram:  The very fact that you are thinking from this point of view means that you are not identified.  How can you think it, if it’s not actual.    

Trudi: It doesn't mean the world will fall away and I'll be floating around in space after all!  Those things won't cease to exist: my relationship would be different to them, that is all.   Of course some things might come to an end, but would that be a loss?

Ram: That’s right. It may be a ‘gain.’  In fact nothing is ever lost or gained from the perspective of Awareness. 

Trudi:  Looking at the future, what is there for me?  Thinking of the hopes, dreams and wishes ... they didn't seem very real or promising.  Not that there is anything wrong with them, and giving up these things doesn't mean the future won't exist: "something" will happen after all.  Does it matter what happens?  Or is my relationship to what happens more important?

Ram: It does not matter.  It only matters how you take what happens.  And how you take it depends on what you know about who you are.  If you take the Self’s perspective…which seems to be quite natural for you…you appreciate the changes for what they are and you see that they do not fundamentally alter who you are. 

Trudi:  For the first time, without feeling that my life is somehow wrong or lacking ... something that needs to be got out of somehow, I felt that yes, I really could let go of the story.

I sat in stillness and sat with this feeling, if that is what it was, that I was willing to let go of the story.  I let things gently arise ... "but if I let go of it all and realized my Self, what about going to work tomorrow?"  These kinds of thoughts.  Not that work itself is a concern or problem as such; it was more the fact that it seems that the story just keeps going on, and how not to stay with it in some way?  What is it like to go beyond the story?  Trying to imagine it obviously isn't the answer: if you are one with it all then everything just happens as and when it happens and the right response is there.  How do you go beyond the story?

Ram:  You ‘go beyond it’ by understanding that is it not real.  Part of the problem here are the words ‘go beyond.’  What does it mean to ‘go beyond.’ Is it some kind of physical sensation of flying off into the stratosphere, or are these just blunt experiential words to describe a subtle insight or understanding?  Perhaps the problem is that you have come to believe that the understanding needs to be accompanied by some sort of emotional experience?  Emotion may accompany understanding but intense experiences eventually fade.  Does this mean that that experience was enlightenment and that one now needs to somehow regain it?  No. The essence of any experience is the understanding arises out of it.  If the understanding it true it will never change.  The experience is just the understanding outpicturing in the form of emotional experience.  A true understanding is good no matter what one is ‘feeling’ emotionally.  You can function from it no matter what you are feeling.  And if you function from it consistently you will rarely have unpleasant feelings. 

Letting go of the story is just like acting.  A good actor or actress fully lives the character he or she is playing.  The anger comes, the tears come…all quite naturally…but all the time this is happening he or she does not forget who he or she actually is.  When the play ends, the character dissolves.  And when the curtain call comes it is not the character that is receiving the applause, it is the performer.  Self realization is similar to this except that as you say above, the story goes on.  But along with the ongoing story there is a witness, an Awareness that the story is just a play, nothing to be taken seriously.
 
Trudi: Obviously I didn't realize the Self after this experience(!) it wasn't that profound, though very important, I felt.

Ram:  You didn’t realize the Self after the experience because the experience itself was Self realization.  Self realization is not profound. It is simple understanding.   

Trudi:  It felt different to past inquiry.  I really did feel a willingness to go beyond, and I felt the awareness that is always there when I think of it; that Consciousness surrounding and filling me, if that is the right description.  And at the same time I was aware of the duality: of the part that is not fully with that Consciousness.  Trudi, the story, the ego, whatever.  The things that keep Trudi from letting go of Trudi.  I know that the awareness is who I am,

Ram:  Again you can stop right here. This experience is Self realization.  Scripture confirms it.  You ‘felt the Awareness that is always there,’ the Consciousness that surrounds and fills you.  You not only felt it you were it.  You say,” I was aware of duality.  You can only be aware of duality if you are non-dual Awareness.  You observed the form, Trudi, the part that is ‘not fully with that consciousness’ to use your own words.  Then you said, “I know that the awareness is who I am.’   This is the statement of enlightenment.  And then, alas, you made a mistake. You said “I only know this because you say it is so; I don't really KNOW this.   But I wasn’t there saying it when it happened, was I?  It was you who said it, who realized it.  It so happens that you know somebody named Ram who happens to have come to the same realization but it was you who had it.  It is you who knows it.

If you know it you know it.  There is no ‘really know’ to it.  Maybe what you mean is that you don’t have confidence in it.  I say, have confidence in it.  It is the knowledge of enlightenment contained in all the Vedantic scriptures.  I have the same understanding.  Why shouldn’t you own it?  

Let me ask you this:  “How do you ‘really know’ you are Trudi?”  Is there some special incredible mind-blowing emotional experience that goes along with the knowledge that you are Trudi?  There isn’t.  It is simply by force of habit that you have come to be comfortable with the idea that you are Trudi.  You were taught it, you believed it, and you lived it.  Actually, you probably never thought much about it at all…you just assumed that you were this ‘Trudi.’  Yet, you probably feel rather confident that you are this Trudi.  If that’s who you are, then why even consider that you are Awareness?  Why listen to idiots like me who say that you are something else?  Probably because being ‘Trudi’ is not ultimately satisfying.  Yes, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with being Trudi.  As far as it goes Trudi is probably quite a fortunate person.  So why does the Trudi find herself asking questions about reality and who she is?  Why is she interested in the idea of Self realization?

Trudi:  How do you mend this duality?  It seems impossible in a way, like trying to invert the whole of reality and turn it inside out, like a black hole that has imploded to the point where it explodes everything outwards, spewing out a potential new galaxy.

Ram:  It is impossible ‘in a way.’  There is no ‘mending.’  The idea that it needs to be mended needs to be mended.  But if you want to ‘mend’ it you mend it by understanding that it is already mended…that it is quite fine that you are Awareness and that what you are aware of is in duality.  You see the contradiction as a joke and you laugh.  

Trudi:  And then I think to myself that I haven't been seriously doing spiritual work for a long time; how could I possibly have the nerve to think that I don't have to go through all the arduous work?  The constant "not this" and all the things that are done to purify the mind. 

Ram:  Spiritual work is only useful if it involves asking questions.  It is inquiry.  You are asking questions and are getting answers.  It is quite astounding how far you have come in understanding since we met. 

Trudi: After all, for the most part I go through my day to day experience coming in and out of Awareness (and a tenuous awareness at that) ... I feel frustrated when people barge in front of me, I feel this and that; other times I see beyond it.

Ram:  You are the Awareness of the coming in and going out.  The “you’ that comes in and goes out is the mind.   It will never ‘come into’ Awareness through spiritual work unless the ‘work’ is understanding.  What is this understanding?  That that part of the Self that comes and goes always comes and goes.  And that the part that sees the coming and going never comes and goes.  Enlightenment is called viveka, knowing the difference between what is real (the non-coming and going Awareness) and the forms and experiences that apparently come and go in awareness. 

Trudi:  And yet I realize that in the end, all this arduous work that people do - that you yourself did, is let go.  Perhaps I have to spend time doing all those things until I am ready to let go of them ... because something holds me back still.

Or does it?

Ram: Yes, indeed, does it?

Trudi:  I feel that it is somehow very simple; that one just needs to let go of the story totally, and sit with the silence, just seeing, or being - not going anywhere. Beyond that, I don't know. 

Ram:  Now, you are onto something, Trudi.  The scriptures say that it is not by karma that you ‘gain’ what you already have.  It is by letting go of the story.   

Ann:  Am I being presumptuous?  Or am I just doubting myself?

Ram:  You are just doubting yourself. You have it right in every aspect.  You lack self confidence.  Perhaps the doubt is there because you are concerned about ‘what will happen’ if you ‘let go’ and accept the knowledge that you are fine as you are and that nothing need be done to change it.  Maybe you think that your life will suddenly be different.  Well, it will and it will not.   Your family and job and your body and food and all the stuff that makes up visible reality will remain as it is but when you let go, that is when you see that everything is as it should be every minute in spite of the mind’s desire to have it different, a sense of freedom, complete dispassion arises and this is will not go away.   

Trudi: Ram, it almost seems a joke; on the one hand I think "who am I, Trudi, daring to presume that enlightenment could be for me?  Maybe after 20 years of hard spiritual work, after "changing myself" and "purifying myself" I could dare to mention the word" ... and yet, there is only ever "now" and what we are "now" ... anything else is just changing one thing for another.  There is only ever "now" whether we are highly dedicated practitioners who have endured much, or whether we are, in a sense, more ordinary. So, that is what I have to say; to ask, today.

Ram:  It is a joke.  Enlightenment is the nature of everyone.  It is our birthright.  Who would it be for it if weren’t for you?  Yes, there is only ever ‘now’ (which I call the Self) no matter who one thinks one is on the relative plane.  It is just a matter of knowing that the view from the ‘now’ is the only view that will solve every problem that arises and conversely that the view from ‘Trudi’ will always be subject to problems. 

Trudi: Also, on another note; I am aware that you are helping out some friends in India: if it would be of any help, I would like to donate some money on a regular basis. It wouldn't be much as I only work part time and Mike doesn’t earn much as a teacher either and of course we have to look after our young son so we have little to spare ... but I would be able to give $30 a month which might be useful in India.  I don't know how that would work practically, but let me know what you think as I would be happy to help.  God knows our idea of how much or little we have in this society is totally humbled by the needs of these people.

Much love,

Trudi

Ram:  That’s great, Trudi.  I thank you for the ladies there.  It will ease a lot of pain.  Put the money aside in the cookie jar and I will take it to India in December and dole it out as it seems appropriate.  I’m passing through and you can give it to me then.  

Thanks for your wonderful letter.  You’re on the right track.  Keep at it.

Love,

Ram