Dear Ram,
Thank you so much for your help and
guidance. You inspire me with the
confidence to keep inquiring.
Ram:
It is my pleasure, Trudi.
Trudi:
Things have been good lately.
Today I feel I came close to a deeper understanding.
Ram:
From reading this letter I would say that your understanding is
excellent, only in need of a little tweaking.
Trudi:
I think I have always known that what I am seeking is all about
surrender, when all is said and done. To
surrender to that which I already am.
It's a call that has been with me to go beyond what I know; to go past
the safety barrier. The thing that keeps
me from it, despite my so-called desire to be enlightened, is actually an
unwillingness to just let go of the story so as to "be
enlightened". I say I want it, but
I don't want it enough; I just want things to be good without doing what is
actually required, perhaps. And yet, let
the story be – it will run its program just fine while the real me sits and
watches the play. So what's the big
deal?
Ram:
I emboldened the last two sentences because this is a statement of
enlightenment. You could just stop here and
never say one more thing.
Trudi: I sat and asked myself, is this story of Trudi actually so
important? Am I willing to give it
up? There has always been a fear of
being other than this person with a past, present and future. But I asked myself what is so special about
it anyway? From a place of awareness I
let images of myself as a little girl and so forth come in, and it seemed that
really everything was OK - not really good or bad, and not worth clutching
onto.
Ram:
This is absolutely right. The
‘place of awareness’ is just your natural point of view. How special or important are any of these
billions of bodies and minds?
Trudi:
I thought about what is happening in life now, and whether I could let
go of my identification with it; in theory at least, I can!
Ram:
The very fact that you are thinking from this point of view means that
you are not identified. It is not
theoretical. It is actual.
Trudi: It doesn't mean the world will
fall away and I'll be floating around in space after all! Those things won't cease to exist: my
relationship would be different to them, that is
all. Of course some things might come
to an end, but would that be a loss?
Ram: That’s right. It may be a
‘gain.’ In fact nothing is ever lost or
gained from the perspective of Awareness.
Trudi:
Looking at the future, what is there for me? Thinking of the hopes,
dreams and wishes ... they didn't seem very real or promising. Not that there is anything wrong with them,
and giving up these things doesn't mean the future won't exist:
"something" will happen after all.
Does it matter what happens? Or
is my relationship to what happens more important?
Ram: Again, you have it absolutely
correct. It does not matter. It only matters how you take what
happens. And how you take it depends on
what you know about who you are. If you
take the Self’s perspective…which this letter shows is quite natural to you…you
appreciate the changes for what they are and you see that they do not
fundamentally alter who you are.
Trudi:
For the first time, without feeling that my life is somehow wrong or
lacking ... something that needs to be got out of somehow, I felt that yes, I
really could let go of the story.
I sat in stillness and sat with this
feeling, if that is what it was, that I was willing to let go of the
story. I let things gently arise ...
"but if I let go of it all and realised my Self,
what about going to work tomorrow?"
These kinds of thoughts. Not that work itself is a concern or problem
as such, it was more the fact that it seems that the
story just keeps going on, and how not to stay with it in some way? What is it like to go beyond the story? Trying to imagine it obviously isn't the
answer: if you are one with it all then everything just happens as and when it
happens and the right response is there.
How do you go beyond the story?
Ram:
You ‘go beyond it’ by understanding that is it not real. Part of the problem here are the words ‘go
beyond.’ What does it mean to ‘go beyond.’ It is some kind of physical sensation of flying off
into the stratosphere, or are these just blunt
experiential words to describe a subtle insight or understanding? Perhaps the problem is that you have come to
believe that the understanding needs to be accompanied by some sort of
overwhelming emotional experience? It
may be that an overwhelming emotional experience does accompany understanding
but every intense experience fades eventually.
Does this mean that experience was enlightenment and that one now needs
to somehow regain it? It does not. The essence of the experience is the
understanding that goes with it. It is
the understanding that should never change…because it is true. The experience is just the understanding outpicturing in the form of emotional experience. A true understanding is good no matter what
one is ‘feeling’ emotionally. You can
function from it no matter what you are feeling. And if you function from it consistently you
will rarely have unpleasant feelings.
Letting go of the story is just like
acting. A good actor or actress fully
lives the character he or she is playing.
The anger comes, the tears come…all quite naturally…but all the time
this is happening he or she does not forget who he or
she actually is. When the play ends, the
character dissolves. And when the
curtain call comes it is not the character that is receiving the applause, it
is the performer. Self realization is
similar to this except that as you say above, the story goes on. But along with the ongoing story there is a
witness, an awareness that the story is just a play,
nothing to be taken seriously.
Ram: Obviously I didn't realize the
Self after this experience(!) it wasn't that profound,
though very important, I felt.
Ram:
You didn’t realize the Self after the experience because the experience
itself was Self
realization. Self realization is not
profound. It is simple understanding.
Trudi:
It felt different to past inquiry.
I really did feel a willingness to go beyond, and I felt the awareness
that is always there when I think of it; that consciousness surrounding and
filling me, if that is the right description.
And at the same time I was aware of the duality: of the part that is not
fully with that consciousness. Trudi, the
story, the ego, whatever. The
things that keep Trudi from letting go of Trudi. I know that
the awareness is who I am,
Ram:
Again you should have stopped right here. This experience is Self realization.
Trudi.
Everything about it is confirmed by scripture. You ‘felt the awareness that is always
there,’ the consciousness that surrounds and fills you. You not only felt it you were it. You say,” I was aware of duality. You can only be aware of duality if you are
non-dual Awareness. You observed the
form, Trudi, the part that is ‘not fully with that
consciousness’ to use your own words.
Then you said, “I know that the awareness is who I am.’ This is the statement of enlightenment. And then, alas, you made a mistake. You said
“I only know this because you say it is so; I don't really KNOW this. But I wasn’t there saying it when it
happened, was I? It was you who said it,
who realized it. It so happens that you
know somebody named Ram who happens to have come to the same realization but it
was you who had it. It is you who knows
it.
Ram:
If you know it you know it. There
is no ‘really know’ it. Maybe what you
mean is that you don’t have confidence in it.
I say, have confidence in it. It
is the knowledge of enlightenment that is contained in all the Vedantic
scriptures. It is the same knowledge
that I have. Why shouldn’t it be
yours?
Let me ask you this: “How do you ‘really know’ you are Trudi?” Is there
some special incredible mind-blowing emotional experience that goes along with
the knowledge that you are Trudi? There isn’t.
It is simply by force of habit that you have come to be comfortable with
the idea that you are Trudi. You were taught it, you believed it, and you
lived it. Actually, you probably never
thought much about it at all…you just assumed that you were this ‘Trudi.’ Yet, you
probably feel rather confident that you are this Trudi. If that’s who you are, then why even consider
that you are Awareness? Why listen to
idiots like me who say that you are something else? Probably because being ‘Trudi’
is not ultimately satisfying. Yes, there
is nothing ‘wrong’ with being Trudi. As far as it goes Trudi
is probably quite a fortunate person. So
why does the Trudi find herself asking questions
about reality and who she is? Why is she
interested in the idea of Self realization?
Trudi:
How do you mend this duality? It
seems impossible in a way, like trying to invert the whole of reality and turn
it inside out, like a black hole that has imploded to the point where it
explodes everything outwards, spewing out a potential new galaxy.
Ram:
It is impossible ‘in a way.’
There is no ‘mending.’ The idea
that it needs to be mended needs to be mended.
But if you want to ‘mend’ it you mend it by understanding that it is
already mended…that it is quite fine that you are Awareness and that what you
are aware of is in duality and therefore is always in conflict. You see the contradiction as a joke and you
laugh.
Trudi:
And then I think to myself that I haven't been seriously doing spiritual
work for a long time; how could I possibly have the nerve to think that I don't
have to go through all the arduous work?
The constant "not this" and all the things
that are done to purify the mind.
Ram:
Spiritual work is only useful if it involves asking questions. It is inquiry. You are asking questions and are getting
answers. It is quite astounding how far
you have come in understanding since we met.
Ann: After all, for the most part I
go through my day to day experience coming in and out of awareness (and a
tenuous awareness at that) ... I feel frustrated when people barge in front of
me, I feel this and that; other times I see beyond it.
Ram:
You are the awareness of the coming in and going out. The “you’ that comes in and goes out is the
mind. It will never ‘come into’
awareness through spiritual work. It
will only come into awareness by understanding.
What is this understanding? That
that part of the Self that comes and goes always comes and goes. And that the part that sees the coming and
going never comes and goes.
Enlightenment is called viveka, knowing the difference between what is
real (the non-coming and going awareness) and the forms and experiences that apparently
come and go in awareness.
Trudi:
And yet I realize that in the end, all this arduous work that people do
- that you yourself did, is let go of too.
Perhaps I have to spend time doing all those things until I am ready to
let go of them ... because something keeps me back still.
Or does it?
Ram: Yes, indeed, does it?
Trudi:
I feel that it is somehow very simple; that one just needs to let go of
the story totally, and sit with the silence, just seeing, or being - not going
anywhere. Beyond that, I don't know.
Ram:
Now, you are onto something, Trudi. The scriptures say that it is not by karma
that you ‘gain’ what you already have.
It is by letting go of the story.
Ann:
Am I being presumptuous? Or am I just doubting myself?
Ram:
You are just doubting yourself. You have it
right in every aspect. You lack self
confidence. Perhaps the doubt is there
because you are concerned about ‘what will happen’ if you ‘let go’ and accept
the knowledge that you are fine as you are and that nothing need be done to
change it. Maybe you think that your
life will suddenly be different. Well,
it will and it will not. Your family
and job and your body and food and all the stuff that makes up visible reality
will remain as it is but when you let go, that is when you see that everything
is as it should be every minute in spite of the mind’s desire to have it
different, a sense of freedom, complete dispassion arises and this is will not
go away.
Trudi: Ram, it almost seems a joke; on
the one hand I think "who am I, Trudi, daring to
presume that enlightenment could be for me?
Maybe after 20 years of hard spiritual work, after "changing
myself" and "purifying myself" I could dare to mention the
word" ... and yet, there is only ever "now" and what we are
"now" ... anything else is just changing one thing for another. There is only ever "now" whether we
are highly dedicated practitioners who have endured much, or whether we are, in
a sense, more ordinary. So, that is what I have to say; to ask, today.
Ram:
It is a joke. Enlightenment is
the nature of everyone. It is our
birthright. Who would it be for it if
weren’t for you. Yes, there is only ever
‘now’ (which I call the Self) no matter who one thinks one is on the relative
plane. It is just a matter of knowing
that the view from the ‘now’ is the only view that will solve every problem
that arises and conversely that the view from ‘Trudi’
will always be subject to problems.
Trudi: Also, on another note; I am aware
that you are helping out some friends in
Much love
Trudi
Ram:
That’s great, Trudi. I thank you for the ladies there. It will ease a lot of pain. Put the 20 quid aside in the cookie jar and I
will take it to
Love,
Ram