Dear Ram,
I think the satsangs are great! I've always loved your satsang, but now I am
finding it exquisite...clearer and clearer.
Ram: I’m glad you appreciate them. It has been frustrating that you are so
resistant to actually taking what I say on board, although perhaps you think
you are quite open.
Candice: Yes, from my perspective, I have thought that
I have been quite open to you... more than to anyone else, ever. I certainly don't intend to be resistant...
and I regret any problems I may have made for you. It's not personal. My habit of thinking has been that I am
responsible for my own unfolding... i.e. "Work out your own salvation with
patience and thanksgiving." - a typically western
approach - and one of the tools I've used is to follow my gut, with a lot of
faith. I have aimed for honesty and
integrity within myself, and when I haven't "known" or understood, I
have thrown myself onto the mercy the universe.
I have just been moving through life taking it one step at a time,
finding my way through the grace of Bhagavan.
My thinking was that to follow someone else's lead, without confirmation
in my gut, would be dishonest, and perhaps dangerous... a view well formed
before the idea of the guru/disciple relationship was introduced.
I can see that this is a limited
view. What I have noticed in the past is
that I feel literally sick to my stomach to follow someone's lead when my own
innards are saying something else. I
have thought of this as a question of being true to my own self...and I see now
that it might have as much to do with fear and attachment as anything else. I guess that's the point, isn't it... if your
viewpoint is limited, it makes sense to go with a larger viewpoint if it is
offered.
Ram:
You: I'm not sure exactly what
you actually mean by 'mine' but it sounds like you think perhaps that you have
to adapt it to how you are and take what you want, or interpret it according to
how you want to interpret it.
Candice: No that's not what I meant...I really would
like a brain-to-brain download. When I
said "I guess then it wouldn't really be mine", I was not expressing
myself clearly. For a moment I was
thinking it would be just information, and I was realizing that information
wouldn't be enough without the experience of 'knowing' the truth through an
inner unfolding, seeing clearly. Both
are necessary, and I think this is what you must have experienced with
Swamiji...you were so receptive that you experienced the truth in your being as
he was giving it. I would love to have
been sitting with you for the last seven years and "sucking up wisdom like
a vacuum cleaner" like you did with Swamiji. I'm sure that I would have
"evolved" more quickly.
Ram:
But this is not really how it is.
If it is truth it goes right in and the changes start from that
moment. It is effortless.
Candice: Yes. I
agree. Sometimes the truth goes in and
plants a seed that doesn't sprout right away, or perhaps the soil is not rich
and the plant will take longer to become strong. Can you really know the degree to which
you've influenced someone?
Ram:
An example would be my teaching on non-violent communication. It was so direct and obvious and easy but you
did not accept it.
Candice: I don't think I understood it.
Ram:
I think this is probably because you are deeply suspicious of suggestions that
come from others.
Candice: You might be right... suspicious in that I
haven't trusted that many people have had a larger point of view. I haven't been interested in taking on many
ideas of any person I've ever known until I met you.
Ram:
Perhaps you think the things I say are criticisms.
Candice: Yes, sometimes I do. But I am willing to look and see if what you
are saying is true. You are the only
person I would tolerate speaking to me as you do - so openly and honestly.
Ram:
Sometimes people's desire for liberation is not intense and needs to be
cultivated. It sounds like you are
starting to cultivate it more.
Candice: It's a desire for understanding... And the space to look again, as I'm not so preoccupied with anger
and confusion I was feeling for the last year, since you threw that dart into
my balloon of projection.
Ram:
There is no separate self, no Candice.
There is only this universal question and answer.
Candice: When I hear this, it is like cool water
moving through my mind... it is so beautiful.
I haven't really gotten it written in my mind yet... it comes and
goes.
Ram:
So I wrote that one on rajas for you hoping that it might provide extra
insight, thinking that maybe by putting in this way it would have more impact.
Candice: Thank you!
I have "gotten it" in a way that I never have before, and am
looking at it daily. And yes... re
resistance to getting right down to it...You're right. I feel stalled here in relative comfort...
but it's not my nature to be satisfied with the status quo...
Ram:
I encourage you to keep at it, although whatever you do or don't do is
fine with me.
Candice: I guess I'm not quite
believing that this is true across the board, though I do believe that
you will still love me, because that is your true nature.
Candice: When I said "I am unchanging" I
meant that I notice that I the Self, am witnessing my Self as Candice... though
I do not yet understand how the Self and the self are one... that has been a
major question for years...still unanswered... how the absolute and the
relative selves relate...
Ram:
The whole discussion above could be thrown in the rubbish because it is
talking about a you that doesn't even exist. As you state clearly here...”I am
unchanging...therefore what do you need to do on any level?” The 'Candice' bit is just a dream. She is just the sum total of your
vasanas. And the vasanas conflict with
each other so you feel conflicted. At
one moment you want security and at the next moment you want freedom. This would make you an insecure person one
moment and a free person the next. One
moment you feel compassion and the next you feel anger. Is one you angry and the other you
loving? If you identify yourself with
the content in your mind you will be completely confused.
The statement in the scripture that
the Self is non-dual means that there are not two selves, a changing Candice
and an unchanging Candice. This may not
be how it ‘feels’ to you but if you feel this way about yourself it means you
are lacking in discrimination. If you
are two selves which one is the ‘real’ you?
This is something that I think you should consider. Keeping up this two self idea is the
problem. When you said “I am unchanging”
that should be the end of it. You should
stick with that because that is the truth.
But the moment some desire or fear comes up you loose your sense of
solidity and become the unstable. There
is only one Self. It is your
awareness. In your awareness feelings
and thoughts arise. They cannot arise
unless there is awareness but awareness is always free of them. This is how you should see yourself. When a fear comes up know it for what it is. Say, “That is a fear arising in my mind. It is an object. It cannot be me. It is not a self.”
Anyway, this is something to think
about. As for me things are just fine
here. There are many festivals going on
and the energy is quite high. I
particularly like the chanting coming up from the Seshadri
ashram today. It is the Rudram and the chanter is really enjoying doing it. At times like this I think I could live in
Ram