Dear Ram:
I had a great meditation this
morning. It was different again to the other "good" ones that I
have had, and I'm not sure if I can explain it, even though I can normally
describe things quite well in writing.
One thing that I was aware of and
which I CAN describe, is that it felt like my mind was
being washed out by a pure light which pretty much filled and surrounded my
whole head. It was beautifully clear and purifying,
gently permeating everything ... coming through in waves but with an aspect of
it that was just present without movement. I guess it was just a lot of
sattvic energy. Definitely very nice!!!
To be honest, I wasn't making much of an inquiry, as I was just so
relieved to be experiencing this that I let myself enjoy it for the time being.
Ram:
This is good. Don’t worry about
the self inquiry. This letter is your
self inquiry. It is going on. Just enjoy the experience. You need
relief. If you start to get off on the
wrong track I’ll let you know. It might
be interesting to ask ‘who’ let ‘who’ enjoy?
Sally: I was also quite aware of a lovely
sensation in my heart centre - not a radiating one but one that seemed to be
quite small and contained.
The other part is the part I can't
really describe ...just a sense of presence permeating and surrounding me.
I think maybe it was a different manifestation of the silence/space that
I "normally" perceive inside: it was ... well, presence. And it
felt like the presence was too big for my body. I didn't know where it
ended: somewhere just outside my body. I guess it relates to the
"presence" that I have felt about me: maybe it permeated inwards
rather than being around me?
So, in your opinion that was the
Self? I honestly didn't consider that! I think firstly because it
seemed to be ‘outside’ me, and I thought, obviously it can't be the Self, which
must be Inside me ... whereas this feels more like an
outside presence. So that's what made me think of a spirit guide or
something. (Mind you, if I close my eyes and let myself fall still, it
feels more like it's MY presence compared to when I've got my eyes open and
doing things).
Ram:
The way these subtle experiences are coming and the degree of your self
awareness makes me think that you have more sattva than you think.
It is the self because there is
nothing but the self but you are correct in calling it a ‘manifestation of the
silent space I normally perceive inside.’
That silent space inside is the self in the form of sattva, the pure
mind. In this case it was the chitta,
the ‘stuff’ of which the subtle body is made which permeates the physical body
and extends out from it some ‘distance.’
In fact it is neither ‘inside’ nor ‘outside.’ It seems have a locus because you are
thinking of yourself as the body. It is
not in the body. The body is in it. Sally is in it. By ‘in it’ I mean that it is the awareness
of the body. The body and Sally are
objects in awareness.
Now, here is the sixty four dollar
question, one to think about. Who perceived
it? Or how did ‘you’ perceive it? And the answer is “I perceived it.’ OK.
Now who is this I? It is Sally?
Yes. But is it only Sally? No. It
is the awareness of Sally as she perceives it.
This is how you know what Sally, a subtle concept in awareness,
experiences/knows. This awareness is the
self. It is the experience, but it is
not only the experience. Without it,
there is no one there to have the experience.
Some people don’t have the subtle
kind of mind you do so they will see it as a spirit guide. There are no spirit guides as external
entities hovering around... except people like me. The self is the spirit guide.
Sally: I'm still very aware of it: it's kind of an
odd sensation. It's almost heavy ... not in a tamasic way of course
(inside I feel VERY light and energetic) ... but as if I have accrued an extra
body of energy around me, or indeed so many layers wrapped around me that it
becomes like a perceptible energy field ... almost dense/palpable. Like
when you sense a storm coming....suddenly you KNOW that thunder and lightning
are on the way - that electrical charge is in the air.
Well, it's not REALLY like that, but I'm
having trouble describing it adequately, and there is a subtle aspect of that
description that does feel right.
Ram:
See how compassionate the Self is, Sally. It knew it was going to wake you up and it
made you read this little ad that and come to India and meet someone who could
help you make sense of it. Imagine the
confusion if this re-awakening happened out of the blue as it sometimes does.
Sally: Another analogy is that it's
like when you wrap a shawl around you; the extra weight isn't unpleasant - not
especially noticeable in the grand scheme of things, but definitely there.
Only this isn't up against my skin like a shawl would be ... just filling
up my aura or something.
Ram:
Good writing, Sally.
Sally: Are you SURE it's the Self?! I definitely seem to have much more
presence about me (and this morning IN me), is all I know.
Ram:
Any other ideas? This is a
non-dual reality, Sally. It’s all the
Self.
Sally: So why do you think my Self has awakened like
this? Do you have a ‘theory’?
Ram:
It got tired of sleeping. Who
knows?
Seriously, you’ve been working on
yourself in one way or another for a long time.
Scripture says it is the result of punya karmas from previous
births. Punya karmas are the unseen
results that accrue from meritorious actions. You’re ready, ripe, a refined,
pure soul. You’ve been here long
enough. Please don’t take this as my ego
speaking, but you don’t meet people like me by accident. You have to be ready. It’s part of the Divine Plan.
Sally: And another question I have is ... if nothing
affects the Self, why does It have a trigger to be
activated, if you see what I mean? Why does it bother? As we
discussed before, I sort of feel that this whole coming to earth thing must be
like a "game" ... but considering that even the tiniest recognition
of the Self must in effect come from the Self anyway, it seems that there must
be a kind of trigger somewhere along the line that doesn't
quite relate to sitting down and deciding to ask yourself "Who am I?"
Surely the switch must be activated before the interest in "Who am I"
begins.
Ram:
Good, Sally. Got
it in one. Please don’t let this
go to your head but you are brilliant.
It is a game. The technical term is ‘lila’
the play of Consciousness. The self is
compassionate. It knows that everything
is it. So when one part of it pretends
it doesn’t know who it is and this part suffers from it and wants out and does
something to get the self’s attention, the self comes to the rescue. If you aren’t happy and you don’t make any
effort to get out of your state, the self, which is
non-coercive, assumes that you are happy in your misery and lets you be. But when you invoke the self through your
actions...yoga, trips to
Sally: One thing that occurs to me is that for a few
years now (with very on-off results) I have spent a lot of time trying to be
present - to be aware of what goes on inside me.
Ram:
This is what I said above...before I read this. It has to be that way. This sort of awakening takes a long time to
break into full consciousness. It was
the Self that started you off on that idea.
Sally: This hasn't been in the
directed but more natural manner that I have been carrying out lately, but I
have definitely been wanting to understand myself as a
spiritual being for many years. Of course this has often been in a completely
misguided way and without "good results" ... but the attempt has been
there nonetheless, and perhaps that effort to be aware
of my thoughts and emotions has put me in good stead for actual
"deliberate" Self-inquiry?
Ram: Yes, absolutely.
Sally: It's definitely not hard for me to be
self-aware (I won't say Self-aware) ... I have been doing that for years, though
essentially it hadn't helped me to improve my spiritual knowledge (when I look
at it now) and clean up my emotional/mental state.
What is the Self?
Ram: The self is your awareness,
Sally. It is your awareness minus your
feelings and emotions. You can’t really
be aware of awareness because you are awareness. What makes you aware
of your thoughts and feelings is you. This is why you are already
enlightened.
The only ‘spiritual’ knowledge is
Self knowledge, Sally. All the rest is
just knowledge.
Sally: BUT, now I have the understanding to make
sense of the self-awareness, and put it to good use ... because it's MORE than
just self-awareness with a small 's'.
Ram:
Correct.
Sally: I'm sure that happened from the time that we
had dinner that first night in Tiruvannamalai. When we were talking,
something in my understanding of things was going click, click, click into
place, and I'm positive that was the beginning of the unfoldment.
That and all the other experiences in
Ram:
This is correct, Sally. I am the
Self. I knew why you came. You were hungry and I fed you.
Sally: The other thing that occurs to me ... are you
sure that this isn't all just some kind of sattvic experience rather than
experiences of the Self? I suppose that sounds a big negative, but I'm
just wondering, because it did occur to me.
Ram:
Sattvic experiences are the Self.
Experience takes place in the mind.
The mind free of rajas and tamas is sattvic. The mind is the Self as chitta, subtle
particles of awareness. The only way
‘you’ can ‘experience the self’ is through sattva, Sally. I’ve attached a recently written pamphlet,
‘What is Advaita Vedanta?’ that should help in clearing up your thinking on
this issue. It is a very subtle point
and if you have difficulty we can discuss it further. But yes, you are right in so far as the self
is the awareness of any experience. The
self was right there illumining the thoughts in your mind as you wrote this and
it is right here now as you read it. It
is you.
Sally: I can't help but wonder: if
everything is One, then what is the difference between
pulling a lettuce out of the ground and killing a fish? Is the violence
that we perceive merely a case of a degree according to how we view the object
we are intending to eat? I wonder if, the more a creature resembles us as
humans, the more we identify with them and perhaps that's where the whole issue
of killing and eating animals really stems from ... they have eyes, like we do,
and blood, etc.
Ram:
I’m with you on this issue one hundred percent. It’s not violence if you do it as karma
yoga. Everything is already dead,
including what we think of as ourselves.
People are sentimental, attached to their bodies, lacking in
discrimination.
Sally: Evidence from some quarters suggests that plants do actually have a
nervous system of some kind, and can experience pain. Some people laugh
at that concept, and when I have said to people "I feel more compassion
about pulling a lettuce out of the ground than eating fish" look at me as
if I'm completely nuts (don't ask me why I'm not overly compassionate about
fish, but to be honest I'm not). Why shouldn't a plant be as important as
an animal, even though it's less like us; doesn't move about; doesn't have a
face; arguably has a lesser degree of consciousness (?)
Ram:
It has the same degree of consciousness, i.e. self. It’s subtle body
(probably what you mean by ‘consciousness’) is just very rudimentary.
Sally: and has a more delicate, subtle energy/body
nature? that makes it seem less "alive"?
Ram:
No. The subtle body is grosser than human beings. It only responds to the gross elements. It seems less alive because its subtle body
is less developed. If the subtle body
were more developed it would have a more complex nervous system and would
‘feel’ things like we do. But it does
respond to certain vibrations. I recall some research in the sixties that
involved tomato plants and music. The
ones that got positive, healing type music thrived and the ones that got ugly
demonic music wilted and died.
Sally: It's just as important in the
grand scheme of things as everything
else.
Ram:
Sure is.
Sally: Well, I didn't mean to email you back so soon
with so much! But it looks like I did anyway. I really do hope it's
not too demanding of me!!!
Ram: Not at all.
I’m enjoying this. I’m not doing
anything, anyway, except reading and lounging around on my veranda looking at
the mountain. I stopped the satsangs
and am getting prepared to leave.
Sally: I will have a good think about all the
suggestions you have made ... I think that having an idea of how to proceed ...
having a goal of some kind in terms of the homoeopathy/spending time in
India/money/getting out of London etc. would be an excellent idea. I know
these issues sort of run around in the back of my mind sometimes, but
addressing it fully would be another matter!
Good. Too much stuff has built up. It’s causing stress and confusion. You need to simplify. Take charge of your destiny, Sally. You are the mistress of the whole
universe. The sun, moon and stars shine
only because of you.
Much love,
Ram