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You Can’t Cover up the Mess with Knowledge
Anja: Hi, Sundari. I understand if you wish not to reply to me if that’s what you think. And I do understand that you might have many students to reply to. So I totally understand if you don’t want me to write to you. I know it’s not me personally but you can see that nothing is sticking with me.
Lately I have been enquiring a lot, and maybe I don’t put it right to you and so it looks like I am talking according to my ignorance, but these lasts days I have been having so many “aha” moments that I am kindly asking you to not give up on me. But feel free to say if you think I am not ready, and I won’t bother you again.
I realised that the mind will always be the mind! I also realised that I am the knower of everything that “Anja” feels. The knower is not caught up in Anja’s mess. Anja does what she does because she thinks problems will accrue if she doesn’t! But in reality I am the knower of Anja, so Anja is apparently real, and the real “I” is prior to Anja feelings! Anja depends on me because I am the knower, and “I” depend on nothing. It seems like I create my own reality. This is not a feeling, neither is it a thought because again, I am prior to any thought or feeling or anything. Nothing exists apart from me.
I also enquire in the following:
When I say, “I don’t know” or “I forgot,”…
…well, the one who knows that “Anja” doesnt know or that “Anja” forgot, that one is free.
Therefore “I” can only be the witness. In reality there’s nothing to “forget” or “not know.”
The fact that I can say “I don’t know” means that I KNOW!
Sundari: Dear Anja, yes, that is right, Anja, good for you! I understand your frustration, as there is a language issue. As teachers we are trained to pick up the way the mind functions regardless of the language problems. There are keywords that we look for, and the guna that is operating of course.
There is a great deal of rajas in Anja’s mind, and even though you can say that you are the knower of the mess of her mind, which of course is true, you still need to understand the mess in the light of self-knowledge. It does not work to deny it or try to hide it by covering it up with the knowledge. We all have to clean up our mess first, before the knowledge will stick. I don’t know what your life situation is and I don’t need to know, it is not necessary for me to know. But if you are not living a dharmic life by doing what is right for Anja, you will be always walking up a very, very steep hill, carrying all Anja’s baggage and not getting far. It sounds to me that this is what you are trying to do. Anja does not want to let go of anything.
~ Much love to you, Sundari
Anja: Hi, Sundari. Yes I did get the email. Thank you very much. It is hard to hear but I understand. I dont think I expressed well what I was trying to say, and obviously I must have missed some points. It all came clearer to me after reading the first chaper again, and watching to a few more videos!! The first chapter of the book was really, really important and only now I am starting to get it.
I was just being run by fear. Fear of not being good enough, etc., etc.
Sundari: Who is run by fear, who is the I that is speaking here? Fear is rajas; it does not belong to Anja. It belongs to Isvara. It has nothing to do with you, awareness, unless you are identified with Anja, which you are. Rajas is running Anja’s mind, which makes it project outwards. Tamas works right alongside the rajas to hide the truth. All samsaris are afraid of not being good enough, because the ego will never be secure or good enough. The ego feels separate, small and afraid and it looks for the answers in samsara, or the apparent reality, where it will never find them.
Anja: But although Vedanta cannot fix me, it really helps me understand the root of everything, which now I know was only fear!!
Sundari: You are right, Vedanta cannot fix you, nothing can. That is because you do not need fixing. You are whole and complete, non-dual awareness. Anja does not need fixing either. She is not real; she has an apparent existence but is just an object known to you, awareness. Rajas and tamas have control of Anja’s mind, and she is totally identified with them. She needs help so that she can understand the source of the agitation and denial (rajas/tamas) and then she can look at it in the light of self-knowledge.
Anja: I am still new to this, but it really gave a new perspective, and especially it helped me to look at my problems differently.
Sundari: It is very good if it helped you look at your problems differently. But the real problem is that it is Anja looking at her problems. Anja will never be able to sort out her problems, because she is the problem. That is like sending an arsonist to put out a fire. I know that there is a language problem because English is not your first language, but I can still hear in the tone of your words and their meaning that you seem to be as confused as ever, if not more so. You are still speaking as the jiva identified with the person, convinced you can fix her. It is not possible. You can only understand the conditioning that is running Anja and see that it does not belong to her. It belongs to Isvara, the gunas, the dharma field.
Anja: There really are no others. I create the fear, and because it’s Anja creating it, I can get rid of it. Having fear or not won’t change me one bit, as I am only the awareness of the feeling.
Sundari: It is true that there are no “others.” But see what you are doing here? You say, “I create the fear, and because its Anja creating it, I can get rid of it.” Anja creates nothing! The gunas are doing everything. Anja cannot get rid of the fear because she is not real and the one who is saying that is totally identified with being Anja.
In the next sentence you say it “won’t change me one bit, as I am only the awareness of the feeling.” It is true that you are the awareness of the feeling, but reread the whole paragraph. What you say here are two totally incompatible statements. You are imposing satya on mithya again, the real on the apparent. You need to understand what the fear is, understand what is running the mind. To repeat: you need to understand what makes up Anja’s conditioning.
Anja: Also, I feel like I am always projecting… always, always!! At the moment itself, nothing is really happening, apart from my projections.
Sundari: Yes, you are absolutely right. Nothing is happening other than projection. Rajas is projection, nothing more. Your mind is scattered like the wind that blows all over the place, seeking desperately for a place of safety, for a place to hide out. Afraid of itself, it is totally extoverted.
Anja: The only thing is, sometimes it seems so simple and my mind tries to complicate things!! There is still a part of me that is really fighting to have a place in me!! It doesn’t want to go away! The bad thoughts are still there but I keep reminding myself of the truth.
Sundari: Anja, what you say here is nonsensical. You need to get some talk therapy. I cannot help you anymore. Reading this statement of yours makes me realise that you have understood nothing of what any of us have said to you, and we have all gone to great lengths to explain everything over and over again. What is the point of teaching you, going through everything you write to us and replying so carefully, when none of it is sticking?
Anja: I really want to be free and this is being my biggest priority in life. I feel very blessed to be taught Vedanta.
Sundari: If you want to be free then do what needs to be done: get some help with what is so disturbing the mind so that you can start developing the qualifications for moksa, because you do not have them.
I really don’t mean to be harsh at all, Anja, it is just that we all go around in circles with you.
~ Love, Sundari