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A Gift Freely Given by God
James: Dear Kalika, very nice email. I like it. I fixed up the words a bit and replied where it was necessary.
Kalika: About your question of whether the knowledge of my self is enough to make the mind peaceful and free, I only can say yes… and no. When the first epiphany which showed I’m not body, feelings, emotions or thoughts, I began a journey to find out who I really was. But it is a very slippery thing, this self. At that time I realized I must be pure consciousness, or awareness, which I can’t see or touch but only realize through subtle thinking… or almost more of a listening. I had other epiphanies, and the scriptures tell me that I am not nuts, but it’s a paradox at a certain point. In any case, self-inquiry has come into my life. And, yes, this is exciting to me and inspires me. But in spite of my epiphanies and the belief that I am consciousness, daily life – the circumstances that I don’t like and want to get rid of – don’t change. This tells me there is definitely something I do not understand. And it bothers me because anxiety is a big part of it. Symptoms show up. For example, tension in my back causes the vertebrae to move out of line and I have to go the doctor to fix it over and over. I can’t think fast if I have to take responsibility for actions or for people or if I step on a foot on stage. It is almost funny if it wasn’t so sad.
James: It is okay, Kalika. It is best not to want yourself or things to be different. See the humor in it. It is very funny when you look at it from the self’s point of view. The way out of this problem is to accept it completely, have a good laugh and forget it. The desire to have it different is making it a problem. Take the karma yoga attitude toward the anxiety. You do not need to get what you want to be happy. It does not matter. You do not have to be someone other than who you are right now to be happy. Fullness is your nature. The way you teach enlightenment is to show people that you are fine with whatever problems there are. We all have problems as people. Your problems are not different. They are just born of fear which is left over from the time before you knew who you were. If a person is born with a crippled limb, there is nothing he or she can do about it except to neutralize it by acceptance. Or you can make it into a lifelong problem. You have a choice.
Kalika: My first epiphany happened on stage during drama classes. I was so scared. I had no time or space to think of anything but to do my duty on stage and I was telling myself to be true to myself, to be true to myself. And then something happened and I was kicked out of space and time and I couldn’t see anything anymore, nothing… no objects, no stage, no body. I thought, “I must have eyes because I can see,” but there were no eyes. And at the same time there was nothing to see. There was just timeless, motionless peace, stillness and no anxiety at all.
Self-knowledge is a present given to me and I’m grateful to be fixed on truth and not on some weird false teachings or religion. I don’t want to miss bliss-filled knowledge.
But what sense does it make if I’m not able to express it? Isn’t it wasted knowledge on me?
James: No. It is a gift freely given by God. You have no obligation to do anything with it. Your own happiness is the way to teach others. Give up the idea of teaching others and be free. It is keeping you from what you really want. The world is fine as it is. When someone sees your happiness and asks you why, you can say, “Because I know who I am.” And if they ask, “How did that happen?,” you can tell your story in a simple way. That is all. Slowly your confidence will develop.
Kalika: I have read your book and I’m also watching your DVDs again and again. But you are right: I should read the book more carefully. I had read the karma yoga chapter again, and I listen attentively when you talk about how God is responsible for one’s spiritual welfare. I don’t know much about God, and I forgot about that I’m not the doer.
James: God is just everything that is: all your feelings and thoughts and the circumstances of your life. You are fine and everything is fine because it is all God. It cannot be any other way. So when you realize that God is the doer, you let go of your desire to fix something that is not broken. You are just fine as you are. Take it easy. Smell the roses and be happy. Everything is under control.
Kalika: It is still difficult to be aware of being not the doer and to see that something else like God takes care of everything and not me. Once I got a vision of Shiva and it was not a vision which builds up great trust in something like God, because it was so frightening, with a great WOW!!!! I felt outside of this vision.
James: Well, if you were outside of this vision it just goes to show that it has nothing to do with you. So count yourself lucky.
Kalika: What the hell was that? There was a monstersized burning – something with a deafening noise and if I had fallen out of that space He just would have killed me, like everything else, only by taking a look at me. You mean this god?
James: No, I mean the God that held you in that space so you could see your fears as an object. God is everything, the good and the bad. When you are full of fear, this is how God seems. When you are full of trust, God seems to be your best friend. God has nothing to do with you. You are the one who sees God.