Search & Read
Feeling Like Two
Magdolna: Hello, Christian. I have just read your three satsangs. I am on the path of self-enquiry – whoopee!!!
Christian: Hi, Magdolna. Yes, definitely, whoopee. ☺
Magdolna: Anyway, whilst reading the third one, an enquiry which I currently have came to mind, about how when I am aware that I am awareness and not the jiva, it is just plain and simple “is-ness.” I get that! But sometimes it feels like I am two people, like I have a foot in two camps.
I feel like I have a little person sitting on my shoulder!!!!! Do you get what I mean? I know that I am not two but I have been this jiva for 51 years and with maya it is programmed into “me.” Will this feeling of seemingly being two people/parts wane over time as I self-enquire diligently, and eventually I will just be aware, with total knowledge, of one me, i.e. awareness, my true self?
Christian: No, it won’t. You’re getting at the good stuff. You can’t ask this question without having identified yourself, so congratulations!
The feeling of being two will continue to come and go, but the knowledge of being one will always remain. This is what James is talking about when he says that Vedanta is a complete teaching because it addresses the really hard stuff, which is this question you’re asking. It’s easy to know you’re the self, but how the heck do you assimilate that into this crazy, seemingly constant feeling of being the person in the body? The answer is always knowledge.
In one of James’ MP3s – he’s in Germany, I think – he’s got a cold. He says, “Yeah, I still feel like I’m in this body too, just like you. It’s just that I know I’m not.” That is a huge teaching. It’s what sets Vedanta apart. You’re not told that when you know who you are, the person becomes a saint. The person starts feeling a whole lot better, but still feels like a person.
It’s confusing if you believe the magical thoughts of the mind, which won’t stop. But it’s incredibly relaxing and affirming when you accept what he’s saying, because there’s this whole level of transformation that does not have to happen to get enlightened. The person stays the person. Honestly, I was disappointed, because I was a yogi and I thought the sky would open, angels would sing, Krishna would blast my third eye or some silliness and the person Christian would be the perfect humanoid he’s been trying to be forever!
There’s definitely a shift in the emotional body. The person does not feel the big, difficult emotions anymore. Period. Or if they arise, they are very quickly dispatched. It’s awesome even though it is not an experience; it’s a lack of previous bad experiences. Very, very nice. However all the middle-range stuff remains: wanting, not wanting, psyched, disappointed, frustrations, etc., etc. But the whole time I know that “I am the simple awareness, ever full, whole and complete, just ‘is-ing.’” (Exactly as you say below, it’s just Isvara and I’m free of it.)
That said, the constant background that you are awareness does start to occupy the foreground more and more as you continue your inquiry – and the jiva world does start to fade more and more into the background. This is a beautiful thing that naturally continues over time, it seems. But the person never loses the warts.
You’re on it, and your mind is getting sneakier and sneakier to try and keep you in its realm of endless and meaningless thoughts.
But let’s make it crystal-clear:
1. You have to accept this weird feeling of two, because the person remains the person.
2. When you really feel like the person, all you have to do is know you are awareness. You’ve already identified yourself, so yes, you can do that. “I am awareness.” Done! It won’t make the person perfect, but it will immediately make you aware that you never change, which makes you aware of the constant peace you are, not the feeling of peace that the person wants, but the true, never-changing reality of the peace that you are.
Magdolna: As I watch videos, read satsangs and enquire, I say out loud that “I get it” and it makes me smile. I absolutely love it. It is so perfect and thank God for the teachers!
Thanks for the teachers! So many thanks to James and those who came before!!!
This is a funny one for me but when I get insomnia very occasionally now, I now know that it is not me, it is Isvara. Nothing is mine!!!
That’s it! That is the freedom. The person can’t sleep, and it never touches you. That is the perfect assimilation of the question you asked above! The person’s experience of wanting to sleep but not sleeping does not change – yet your knowledge sets you free.
I always knew this God guy was a good one!!! And as for why it was all created in first place, why not??? That one can’t be answered ever!!! Anyway, I won’t ramble on. Thank you for your time!
Best wishes. Cheers, Christian. 06/03/14