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Magdolna: WOW!! Thank you, Christian, or should I thank myself or just plain old Isvara? (Now I am just being a smart-ass.)
You know you’re a Vedanta geek when even your smart-ass does enquiry. This is like “touchdown” when the Apollo rocket landed on the moon.
My heart is full to bursting with tears of joy.
I have a pesky “I am not clever enough” vasana – well, who doesn’t? – so was not sure if I was on the right track in my enquiry.
So “Hello, me.” Now let’s go and play like the little children – HOORAY!!
But seriously, thank you! I have questions that arise from reading the email in a “calmer” state.
When you say that I could not have asked the question without having identified myself, what does that exactly mean? Self-realisation?? (Sorry, being a bit dim again.)
Christian: Perhaps this was not the case for you, but most people start inquiry believing the teachings because it feels very, very right – but their minds have not yet caught a direct reflection of the self. So they do inquiry, and if it’s coming, then many inquiries bring you to yourself. Absolutely. For brief moments the mind does catch direct reflections, like flashes, of the self, which inspires more inquiry. There reaches a point where most of the inquiry you do brings you, unchanging, obvious awareness, to the foreground. That’s obviously where you’re at, since you asked about feeling like two.
The first stages are the hardest. Believing the teachings but thinking you don’t directly know them, then finding “the self that I know I am.” That one’s a bitch, and can go on for a long time, is super frustrating and causes you to feel like you could teach the material, but you still haven’t exactly found it. All you need to do is exactly what you’ve been doing. That’s very good news. Be confident. All you need is to sit back in the hot tub of the self. Let the bubbles do the work!
Magdolna: I have loads of photographs of my life, and a while back I thought about throwing them out because I just thought it is not me. Is this feeling/knowledge along the same lines?
Christian: Yes and no, or whatever. Yes, because the self does not hold anything. No, because any feeling is just Isvara, gunas, jiva, disposition. And whatever because the question itself, again, is just a thought, insentient, impermanent and not real.
Magdolna: I just knew I was not “Magdolna” but until Vedanta I had no way to explain this knowing. Vedanta is a fabulous route map to the self.
I like the bit in your email where you say that there is a shift in the emotional body. I am aware of this phenomenon and you have explained it to me. An example I have is that I don’t seem to be able to cry like before. This is the detachment and dispassion knowledge in me, I suppose.
Yeah, the middle-range stuff is there, as you say, but doesn’t that make life more interesting??? And being married is a great place to “learn” about the self, etc., if you get what I mean.
Christian: Yes, I get what you mean, in a big way! I got married to complete myself. It didn’t work but it ended up being the perfect environment for me to work through the vasanas.
Magdolna: I have only been married for a few years and I love it. I never wanted to get married but Isvara was so good and got me married at the grand old age of 49. After a few years of being married, I am now the knower of the nagging wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am encouraged by the bit in your email, where you say that “the constant background that ‘I am awareness’ does start to occupy the foreground more” as I continue my enquiry. That is helpful to know.
Christian: You are already experiencing that if you feel like two sometimes – that two-feeling happens because you, the self, are in the foreground of the person’s experience. It will continue.
Magdolna: I am happy with my weird feeling of two and I will continue with my enquiry and look to your kind, helpful guidance.
Yes, I was surprised when I realised some time ago that there are no flashing lights coming out of my head when you get enlightened. (I am so not keen on that word and its baggage.)
Experience is for losers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Experience is for jivas. ☺
But hey, Isvara has a sense of humour, I think, and if the person did get perfect there would be no point being here. I must say, once you get the knowledge, it is a bit like being schizophrenic, but from what you say in your email, that should go!! It is like when one of the gunas/vasanas kick off and the self steps back, so to speak, and it just observes the little jiva and its behaviour. I can see this more now, and the behaviour just gets reined in very quickly unless it is a supersized one. (And anyway, it is not me. HA! HA! HA!)
I quite like being the watcher. It seems to have crept up on me!! I think that is all I would like to say for now.
I am watching the Berlin 2014 YouTube videos which I find are brilliant. I treat it like being at school. I could just eat James when he is teaching. I do not feel it is necessary to go to a “live” satsang but it sure would be good to meet Ramji and Sundari. I have left that one to Isvara and if I am meant to go, so be it.
To me, it’s astounding that the teachings James has made available took me all the way before I met him.
If you ever use this email as a satsang at the website, I am happy to not be made anonymous but if it’s your policy, then that is cool.
Finally, is there any reading matter or audios from the ShiningWorld website that you might recommend to me? Or should I just keep on doing what I am doing for now?
I have just treated myself to James’ autobiography.
Christian: It sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you should be doing. That is one crazy autobiography. Once you get to the part where he meets his teacher, there are some great gems. He talks about letting go of the guru and also letting go of the identity as a searcher. Those were two points that I really learned from in that writing.
Magdolna: Well, Christian, thank you again. You and the other endorsed dudes are the teachers of the future for we Westerners because the “big man” won’t be around forever to teach us.
One last observation: on page 292 of the same interview mentioned before, James and interviewer discuss the wave and ocean analogy (which until now I did not understand “properly”), you’ll know it? The wave depends on the ocean but the ocean does not depend on the wave, etc. and James says exactly what you said, that “enlightenment does not destroy dualistic experience.” That whole part of the interview now makes sense after my writing to you. WHOOPDEE-DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christian: Great, Magdolna, like I said before, this issue is a really big one. The mind will always tell you that the jiva should feel good and that if inquiry is working the feeling of the person should fade into some kind of imagined bliss state. Assimilating the feeling of “two” in the right way is the ticket! Great work!
Magdolna: God bless you!!
~ With love and gratitude, Magdolna xxxxx 06/06/14