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Can’t Get Back My Mono-Vision
Dirk: Hi, Ram. Five years ago I read a simple introduction to Advaita in a small book, and for more than a year had vairagya (dispassion). I got the reality by my experience. I didn’t care about all things transient, or rather they couldn’t affect me. Then I wanted to know Krishna and joined ISKCON [International Society for Krishna Consciousness]. I wanted to know if he is beyond my mono-vision (everything is one after all, so I started seeing everything as one), or brahman. Now I want to return back to my mono-vision, but can’t. I know my real self is not this me and also get bouts of feelings that everybody is just a thought in the brahman-sphere.
Now, when I had vairagya I did not have greed, lust, lealousy, the basic hunger to live (not physical death, I am not a psycho), but now even after understanding the subject more and realizing it better, I still have anger, anxiety, greed, lust, etc. WHY am I not able to go back to vairagya? I don’t want attachments. I want fewer thoughts, basically, mano nasam (dead mind).
I can see that you would say that there is no one to achieve, but even after understanding that there is no doer I cannot get peace. I can see the thought patterns and see that there is no body, but a minute later I may get angry. So why am I so much bothered by transient things?
I learned about the absolute by myself, and that state was very boring, basically… nobody besides me… so I came out of it, but now I realize what a big mistake it was to leave that state. I want it back (whatever experience that was).
I want to be like Lord Ram when he attained vairagya, after the vasistha chapters. Why am I so bothered about everything else, about anything at all, when life is flowing perfectly? Why all the fear, hatred, etc?
What are your suggestions, as I am frustrated (you could say that you have to drop the desire to be free, etc.) that the true self is infinite and I will understand that, but I just can’t stop the thoughts and there is no peace. If I meditate, it doesn’t work. I can’t sit still for more than three to five minutes. I have been contemplating about self a lot. I need help with anger and attachment. I can see (literally) that the world is a illusion, but I can’t stop my stupid lust for the world.
~ Thanks, Dirk
Ram: Hi, Dirk. Viragya is not a state you can get into. It is conclusion you come to when you realize that there is nothing here in this world that can fulfill you. These lusts, desires, etc. are there because you have not been living the right way. You have to live your life in the karma yoga spirit, and that neutralizes your likes and your dislikes, your lusts and fears, etc. It happens little by little.
Every experience in life is an opportunity to get rid of this psychological baggage if you have the right attitude. You have been trying to escape life by living in a “mono” state, as you say. But you cannot do this. It is against your dharma.
Did you read my book How to Attain Enlightenment? I suggest you get it and read it carefully, starting at the beginning. Try to sign on to the logic of the Vedanta as it unfolds. Pay particular attention the chapter on karma, dharma and karma yoga. This is key for you. Then get back to me if you have any questions. Basically, you have to go back to square one. Throw out the “mono” stuff and the Krishna stuff and forget everything you know about spirituality. You have got yourself greatly confused. That is what comes through in this letter. And there is no way I can unravel it all for you. My book starts at the beginning, even before you are “spiritual,” and it proceeds from there. If you are clear about what you are seeking, then everything will fall into place, so the first chapter helps you to get the right focus.
~ All the best, Ram