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Waving the Light
Ken: Thank you, Ram. This is very helpful to me.
I am noticing that I will stop my mind (or I guess it stops itself) during the day. Following a pointer from one of the online satsangs, I look into or at the Silence; it is an object to me. I notice the sense of peace associated with looking there (you used a slightly different word from peace in the satsang). So I will “stare” at this for a bit, at the Silence, and notice the resulting peace, which is subtle. This usually involves some degree of disregarding some inner and outer goings-on.
But the Silence then seeps in (or steps in) and becomes… there is a stopping; I am not sure who’s who and what’s “there” and what’s “here.” I know these are experiential words, but the experience, the time-limited circumstance, seems to be about me, the experiencer. This happens without any external support, like listening to a discourse or reading yours or other related writing. Something similar happens while listening or reading, but that is more clearly one of the “Big Ideas” taking hold of me.
Sometimes it feels almost like I would go unconscious if I kept “doing” this, not like I am going to pass out and hit my head, but more like the world will get displaced or sort of devoured. It would even be a little scary, but this doesn’t happen for long. This has not happened during my morning sittings, where it would be safe to go unconscious. In fact it only just happened this clearly for the first time today.
I am trying to put this and related things into perspective; I think this is related to values, as you say. Your email helped me identify the rajasic collector mentality, of acquiring and listening to all these discourses. Getting more, listening more is not the point, I see (except for your videos! Soon!). But they (the reading and listening) do seem to trigger something, make something happen that I want to have happen. Maybe a metaphor is that I am waving a flashlight in the dark and occasionally the light will fall on something important, and on close inspection I see that it fell onto me. And then the light waves away from that.
Ram: Hi, Ken. I love the clarity of your observations and the way you express them. There will be an experiential component to self-inquiry. It shows that inquiry is proceeding correctly. The experiential stuff is good. This greed for understanding is good. It is the underlying enthusiasm that triggers the experiences. Enjoy them for what they are and interpret them in light of the knowledge that you are the one to whom experience presents itself, and soldier on.