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Being Close to Yourself Is What You Want
Janice: Dear Ram, thank you for being so patient and kind, honest and giving, and for being so accessible. Thank you also for hooking me up with Maurice; we had a great, long discussion on the phone last week and I will go see him sometime. He recommended a few books that are helpful. I found a few at the local library!
After you and I talked on the phone, an image came to the third eye of you dressed as a crazy wizard/holy man with long, flowing white robes, beard and hair; you flashed wild blue eyes at me and with an exaggerated pose invited me or presented yourself. I had to laugh, but it was also a bit scary to me.
Ram: I hope you don’t think that I am some kind of yogi with the power to get into your dreams and control you. As you must know, such things are just a vasana coming out. Anyway, if you have a doubt, you should know that it is a waste of time to fall in love with me. I am a known heartbreaker. Since the publication of the book there is a long queue of ladies who imagine that they are in love with me but who are going to remain frustrated because I am just too old and too wise to indulge in that fantasy. So you are completely safe. Plus, you will be happy to know that my hormone count is ridiculously low. I am not sure, but the last time I checked – which was ages ago – there were only 2.2 lonely little hormones bouncing around inside, like the numbered ping-pong balls you see in the pressurized plastic sphere they use in the lottery.
Janice: At the beginning of my spiritual search, in my early twenties, I was involved with a guru for seven years and eventually became his girlfriend for two, then finally I dumped him! Also as my teacher.
Ram: I have never quite understood this falling in love with spiritual teachers and then hopping in the sack with them. Most of them are either in love with God or are so vain that it never works out properly. But women do it all the time. Is it that you expected that sex with the guru would put you on the fast track to enlightenment? I am sure that this is the line that the horny gurus tout. Anyway, no harm done. You are still here and relatively together. Still, wasn’t it a big waste of time? Although I bet you have figured out how now how it was a good learning experience, right? ☺
Janice: But it took a long time to unwind the inner entanglements. It was a huge lesson for me, and from then on I was very careful with teachers and their teachings. Gangaji was somewhat of a mother figure, but there was no possibility of being close to her, so projection was very easy, but when that fell away it was easy to see that I needed more. I talked with Maurice about the local satsang teachers here, and he knew them and said that for someone like me who is pretty new to Advaita I had a pretty good idea of what they were about as satsang teachers. I asked him about you, and he had only lovely, beautiful things to say.
So one of the vasanas here was (is??) attraction to men who are somewhat distant/unavailable, who have an aura of genius/artist/holy man around them. Just so you know!!
James: How do you know that Maurice and I are not in this together? I send him the lonely hearts and he tells them that I am a stand-up guy, and you let your guard down and then I pounce on you! Then when I have had my way with you, I suggest that you take up with him, as he is much better for your spiritual development. ☺ Anyway, you can love me in any way you want, Janice. You are just loving yourself in the form of some kind of fantasy. You never love the object for the object’s sake. You love the object for the sake of your self. The object becomes a kind of meditation symbol that gets your love flowing. Being close to yourself is what you want. We call it bhakti.
Janice: For years though, the looking for men, for a relationship, has stopped and very few men here have looked my way anyway lately, and when they have there has been no interest from me, which, for instance, pissed Terry off. For the past ten years I have made love maybe twice! It just wasn’t happening. When I think about all the time “wasted” though, longing for love and trying to make it happen!!! Art was a way to express the beauty and love and truth always felt within. But I had to drop that also, it was too mixed up with identity and it fell away. Maurice reminded me of Rumi and music, and after a lifetime of singing “my” songs, singing a mantra sounded as if a child was singing, but it felt good.
Ram: Maybe it’s the wrinkles that turns them off, although I have never known a man to be put off by anything as superficial as age. Men are horny devils and will go for just about anything that moves. I have a friend who works in an old folks home and she continually amuses me with the stories of sexual exploits of octogenarians! Such is the nature of nature.
Janice: The photo is from the summer garden; maybe I will see you in it sometime!!!, Lord willing… thank you for being my teacher, Ram, I know there’s still a lot of work here, but I am willing and I will try to not fight you!!!
Ram: I think that is wise. I am a terrible enemy to have. I am a complete demon. I never lose.
~ Much love, Ram