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Love, Not Sex, Is the Real Issue
Cathy: Hi, Ram. I’m just checking on something. John and I were talking about sex, and I said that I did not want to have sex with him because I felt used. And he said then he felt used too. But I said that for us girls it’s different because we are the receivers and they are the givers, and I brought up an example: it’s like when you need to get rid of something you put it in the garbage; with sex you put it in our bodies.
Ram: The problem is you think you are a woman and he is a man. If you cared for him as a human being this sex business would not be an issue. Sex is not the issue. The problem is never with the object.
Cathy: He said, “What about affection?” and that if I felt like that, I was really sick. Do you think that this is true?
Ram: If you feel that way it is probably because you do not feel loved by him. It may be that both of you do not know what love is.
Cathy: Am I being too what? Not sure. I also said to him that if I really feel like sex, I just masturbate, then that prevents me getting into a bad mood and it just disappears. Not as a habit, mind you, but I feel it’s better to do it and get over it with than to keep wanting it and getting frustrated because I can’t have it. I told him he should masturbate too, although he seems to be against it. Anyway, your comments about this would be appreciated.
Ram: If you can’t properly communicate with someone it is better to masturbate than to have sex with them. But as I said, this is not a sex problem. It is a love problem. To repeat: if you loved each other properly, you would not argue about sex. I think he is more sensitive to the underlying energy than you are because he asked about affection. This indicates to me that the real reason he is with you is that he cares for you. I hesitate to say this, but I will anyway – mind you, it is just a guess – but I think you have reasons other than love for being with John. I could probably come up with a pretty good psychological profile based on all the things you have told me and your attitude to them, but I am not going to do it. Please do not ask.
The reason I don’t want to get into it is because it doesn’t really matter why you are with a certain person and what the nature of the problems are. They are always the same. You can muck around in your mind forever trying to get some kind of solution to samsaric preoccupations, but in the fullness of time none of it amounts to a hill of beans. In the case of you and John, you are both on the spiritual side of life, so for you there is only one solution: to seek the self. All the rest is a waste of time. I believe I am in your life to help you find the self, so although I am willing to discuss certain problems in light of your quest for freedom, my tolerance for these kinds of infantile problems is definitely limited. I cannot make you love purely but I can help you understand who you are, and when you do, you will love purely.