Search & Read
How Not to Get Love
Ram: Dear Manny, here is the outline of our recent discussion. I hope it is useful. I’m happy that you requested it because it shows that you are sincere in sorting out your anger toward your wife.
If you’re having love problems consider this:
1. Because I don’t know who I am, I feel incomplete.
2. This causes me to seek completion in various ways.
3. One way is to seek love from another person.
4. If my sense of incompleteness is very strong, my desire for love will be very strong.
5. A strong desire for love is dangerous.
6. Because one is tempted to violate dharma to satisfy the desire, assuming the desired object is unwilling to provide love one thinks one needs.
7. Dharma in this context is the right of every being to be free of manipulation and abuse.
8. To get the object’s love – since it is not freely given – the desirer needs to transgress the natural boundaries separating people.
9. The karma from manipulation and abuse is guilt (self-loathing) and hatred from the object – not love.
This guilt usually conceals itself behind the belief that if the love object behaved differently you would not feel angry and depressed.
What is the dharmic way to get love?
If you can’t see that you are love and be satisfied with self-love, the dharmic way to get love from others is to give love. People are only required to love themselves. They are not obligated to love others. However, since love is the nature of all beings it is natural to love others and to respond to love with love. Love should be given without the expectation that it be returned. It should be its own reward. Whether or not one’s love comes back depends on the love object, not the one who desires the love. Desire for love from an object does not obligate the object to love one back. The way a person gives love and the objects to which a person gives love is the result of their conditioning. So the one desiring another’s love should have a non-attached attitude because he or she has no influence on anyone else’s conditioning.
What is the best way to not get love?
There are many ways to insure that you will not be loved. A very good way is to expect love. Other ways are to demand love, lie to get a person’s love, try to buy love with a promise and think that good sex will turn into love. A fifth way is to use anger and power to coerce love from someone. A particularly good way is to make a person, a spouse, for example, feel obligated to give love. Any negative emotion will only produce a negative result. Only love generates love.
~ Love, Ram