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Your Lover John Is Only in Your Mind
Cathy: Hi, Ram. I am working with several things at the moment. First of all, I am back doing my meditations morning and night, although I am doing them lying down for now. I am not sure why I do not want to sit down yet, but I guess in time I will, so I am not forcing myself. Also, every time I go to pick up the phone to ring John to tell him this or that, I stop myself and go back to the self. Also, when I find I am thinking silly thoughts I do the same. I was walking down the street a minute ago and I found myself thinking, “Here I am, alone again,” but I quickly rephrased that to, “Here I am, the self.” I find that my mind, which is always busy, seems to be quieting down a bit. I know we are not looking for a quiet mind per se, but if I understood correctly, we are aiming for an unagitated mind in order to be aware of the self more.
Ram: Very good, Cathy. Keep to yourself. Get to know yourself. You have enough John-knowledge to last a lifetime.
Cathy: I also emailed John to tell him that I needed a break from the whole wife/ex-wife/girlfriend/lover/friend/etc. thing and that I would probably see him at the next Vedanta class at the end of January if he came. I have not received a reply, but I am not surprised. He only tends to answer the “nice Cathy” emails and ignores the rest or answers back “OK,” which is okay. It is interesting to note though, that without John in my life I am more able to work consistently on my mind.
Ram: Sure, the John-thought is a mixed bag, half good and half bad. It is not helpful to have such thoughts in your mind when you are working on yourself. It is important to understand that John is just a thought in your mind. Even when you are with him, you are only seeing the thought of John, not actually John. There is no John apart from your thought about him. If you saw him as your self, there would be no agitation or euphoria. How would you see him as your self? You would realize that the thought of John is made out of your mind and that your mind is not separate from you, consciousness. It is difficult to see this because when his body-mind exhibits a bit of behavior, positive or negative, your mind modifies to it. It is immediately interpreted by your likes and dislikes, which are also your own consciousness apparently conditioned by ignorance. So you react positively or negatively, not to him, but to the idea that his behavior represents. Again, the idea is nothing but your own mind taking a particular form, so actually there is no John. There is only you, consciousness, seeing yourself. This may be a bit much for now. Not to worry if it does not make sense.
Cathy: I am spending a few minutes before my altar every morning and night and it has become a very significant ritual. I thank the self and ask it for help. Another miracle happened also: I was able to somehow fix the computer and get rid of the virus. I am not taking credit. I know it had nothing to do with me. But interesting stuff is happening. I did not want to pay $90 per hour to have it fixed, just persevered and it seems all okay. I am also getting on extremely well with my son. Have a safe and peaceful new year.
Ram: I am happy to hear that things are going well. This is how it is when you actually start living the spiritual life. Good for you!