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Lost the Drive to Gain Objects
Nicky: Hello, Maa, this is something I want to share with you:
There is a lot of confusion I am having currently within myself. I have a very happy family with my wife, two kids, a 13-year-old boy and a seven-year-old daughter. I am bound by my duty towards them, whereas there is one part in me which is seeking liberation and wants to attain to awareness. I don’t know what’s happening to me, as my desires seem like coming to an end; also, I know it is important to make money, support your family, etc. I am sure you will be able to relate to me.
I need your help to sort this situation…
~ Om namah shivaya, Nicky
Sundari: Hello, Nicky. This is a common problem with seekers who are ready for self-knowledge; priorities and values change quite radically. Often it causes problems in the life of the jiva, especially in relationships with people who are not on the same path. You have the right attitude to your wife and family, as they are part of your environment and it is your dharma to take care of them, with the karma yoga attitude. It sounds like this is a happy situation for you, as you love your wife and children. Self-knowledge allows one to see everything as the self and enjoy life, giving thanks for one’s many blessings, as transient as they are. Isvara’s world is truly beautiful when seen from the perspective of the self. With non-dual vision one does what one needs to do to live, without the pressure of having to be, do or have more, better, different. The apparent reality is seen to be perfect as it is because you no longer derive the meaning for your life from it. You are the meaning. As self-knowledge firms up, experientially there is a steady current of bliss behind all the thoughts and emotions, positive or negative.
Your only problem is the conflict the jiva is having with regards to not wanting things in the world, also a common side effect of self-knowledge, as in order to be qualified for self-inquiry one has to have negated objects. The ego does not give up the idea of being a doer easily; it goes through a period of uncertainty once it has been relegated to the position of an object. This uncertainty is temporary. It is just the fruit of self-knowledge if the mind is one hundred per cent certain that there is nothing to gain in samsara which will make a difference. It is a powerful experiential confirmation of the impulse that led it to seek freedom in the first place. As the knowledge sinks in, the mind gets more and more quiet and the rajasic vrittis that produce uncertainty gradually subside and eventually dissolve completely. Not everyone committed to self-inquiry goes through this, but many do. It depends on the svadharma of the individual.
The basis of self-inquiry is to discriminate you, awareness, from the objects that appear in you. As awareness you are limitless and never need anything, but as the jiva you will always be limited, even when you know that your true nature is awareness and not the jiva. The main thing is not to confuse you, the self, with the doer, the experiencing entity/jiva, the one who is uncertain. The jiva never totally stops desiring, because to be alive is to desire.There is nothing inherently wrong with desire, as long as it is not opposed to dharma.
Don’t worry, you are on the right path, stick to your sadhana and allow self-knowledge to unfold your life for you. Apply the karma yoga attitude at all times and trust the scripture.
~ Om and prem, Sundari