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Carrie: I just signed a lease and am moving out on August 15th. I’m scared to death. Andy has made a complete turnaround – wants to have sex, is affectionate, doesn’t criticize. I can’t trust it though. I’m not sure people can change the way they relate to others in only a month. He’s acting like the perfect husband and I’m feeling guilty about leaving… There’s that obligation again. I’m staying the course and we’ll see what happens.
Sundari: I think you are wise to stay the course. If Andy has not been able to hear you all these years, why would he suddenly be able to make a change because you are leaving? If you give in the chances are very good that things will go back to the way they were before long because he has not addressed the underlying vasanas. He just wants what he wants right now and will do what it takes to keep it, but the pressure of the conditioning is still there. You can’t help him with that.
What is there to be scared to death about? You have nothing to lose. You are the self, the world is in you, you have money and security, and the jiva is protected by self-knowledge. F.E.A.R. is just False Evidence Appearing Real. It’s an indulgence that does not fit your circumstances. It’s not like Andy provided any of the above for you, ever. So the jiva’s fear is gratuitous. We are always alone, even in a good relationship – meaning one based on self-knowledge. There is only you here, and you never lose or gain anything. It’s just a transaction in the apparent reality that does not touch you.
Don’t make leaving about finding love and intimacy with the “right” partner. Make it about loving Carrie and cutting away all that no longer works for her as a jiva with self-knowledge.
I bet you are going to love your freedom in no time at all and will wonder why it took you so long to love Carrie enough to give her what makes her happy.
Ramji says, “Shit or get off the pot!”
He says if you are really that unsure and scared, why not stay and see if things do change? The real issue is a spiritual issue that has not been resolved and that may not be resolved by leaving or staying, because you are relying on an object to give you what you need. How do you know if the next object will give you what you want? You have not had good luck choosing so far, and if you have not resolved those vasanas they will do the choosing with the next guy. You need to see through this desire for the “other,” that is the real issue. A desire for intimacy is nothing more than a desire for wholeness.
Plus you are reinforcing the idea that you are a doer. The other option to consider is separation and let Andy court you, with the karma yoga attitude. See if that works.
~ Love from us, Sundari