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Seeing the Present through the Past
Robert: Thank you for clarifying this, and I meant no disrespect. I think in part why I mentioned this is because of the way it happened and the apparent link to the earlier dream and the light on the blue towel that I “needed to get.” James commented on this. I thought it was important. The “experience” was very spontaneous, not consciously premeditated, I was not thinking of the past, in fact was for once just resting on the self, not thinking of anything was very peaceful. Next thing I was on the blue towel and the experience happened as I described, and you and James were there. Yes, I see that I then erroneously interpreted your presence as “parents.” There is a lot of confusion in my mind at the moment. Perhaps this is just airing out dumb ideas and conditioning of past inner-child psychoanalysis techniques.
Sundari: We are not in the least offended by your statements – it is just our job as Vedanta teachers to keep pointing you back to the self and not make the teaching about us. We are just a voice for your own true self and as qualified teachers we must become redundant as soon as possible.
What is evident in your statements is that even when the mind is sattvic the vasana for going back to the wounded past takes over the mind. The mind is so conditioned by the child/parent relationship and the idea that it should have been different that the mind is stuck on Robert as a young boy steadfastly clinging to the notion that he did not get what he wanted: love. Even in surrendering to his abusers what he wanted was to be loved. And so the damaged young man never really grew past this and became damaging to himself and those he encountered along the way. This is the pattern you need to see and neutralize. Note I did not say deny. One does have to understand the jiva story, but it is only really helpful to do so in light of self-knowledge so as to see it for what it is and let it go.
What we are trying to steer you away from is this: Robert is so entrenched in the tendency of living through “his” painful past (fear thoughts) that he has become a construct of it. And as a result, it has become very difficult to neutralize.
The prarabdha karma that is playing out for Robert is the momentum of past actions, from “this” life and “beyond” it, from time immemorial (causal body/Isvara). A powerful identification with the story has created much suffering for Robert. The way forward towards freedom is to understand the story and to create a new narrative for adult Robert: one that is not based in the past or in fear.
The new narrative, which is not personal, is this: “I am a karma yogi, an inquirer. What I am inquiring into is my true nature, which is: I am not a person, I am the self. The person exists in me and is fine the way he is. I have no past. I am beyond time and space. I was never born and will never die. Nothing touches me. I am whole and complete, limitless and unchanging. I need nothing and embrace everything as me, always discriminating myself from the objects that appear in me. My seeking is over because I am now a finder. All I need to do is actualise this knowledge so as to live free as the self while still appearing as the jiva, with his apparent nature. I love myself unconditionally, which means I love Robert unconditionally.”