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Grateful, Unassuming Awareness
Seeker: Ramji, here is a progress report. Vasanas are becoming easier to control. Actually, not control, but I am just losing interest, like a toy I’m tired of playing with. The “poor me, I’m so lonely, nobody loves me, better get laid by a fine woman” routine continues to well up and overflow my mental space every now and then. The longest it survives seems to be about a day or an afternoon before I snap to and deconstruct it again. I am very surprised at the resiliency of this thought construct. It appears to have a life of its own and if I didn’t know any better I would think it did.
Ramji: That pleasure vasana is a real killer. Deconstruct away!
Seeker: But between these pugilistic rounds of duality I am experiencing a very simple innocent type of grateful awareness. At first it seemed to be resting on my perception in the head, but now seems as if that is backward. I think maybe perception is resting in IT.
Ramji: Good for you! Perception is resting in it.
Seeker: Anyway, this simple, grateful, unassuming awareness, that would seem to be childishly naive, according to the ego, is actually quite pleasurable resting in itself.
And anyway, breathing seems to be a joy in and of itself. I have become really tired of the ego/poor-me routine. But it is definitely hardwired, as you say. I’m guessing at some point these mental habits will begin to unravel the longer I refrain from acting on them.
Ramji: Renunciation is the essence of devotion to Isvara. Habits will go away.