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The Status of Not Wanting Anything
Jason: Ramji, I’ve been happily enjoying the separation of ego and self, witnessing all the petty selfish desires for pleasure and recognition as they arise in me and then flow away. I’m enjoying the freedom to say no to myself. Food has come more under my control. Sex is still a very strong vasana, but I am managing it much better.
The biggest change is the lack of agenda when dealing with others. That is my favorite benefit. There is nothing to get so why try to manipulate any situation. I find myself offering knowledge freely when it is asked of me, without need for appreciation or even comprehension. I can easily tell now if someone is really asking me for help or if they just want me to confirm what they think they already know.
But something surprising came the other day. After I finally relinquished my desire to work as an Indian doctor to the Creator, the chief, my uncle, decided I’m ready and offered me the position. So the job is mine if I “want” it. But that’s just it… I’m enjoying the status of not wanting anything. So why should I put my foot forward into wanting again? So part of me feels like it’s just one more thing to do.
But I have spent 20-plus years training for it. So the result of my action is being finally offered the job. I know Isvara will find someone else if I refuse. I feel strong waves of vibration/energy/love attached to it, as if that is the power available to me should I chose to accept it.
But I am wary of giving ego a new identity. I don’t trust him, because he always wants something out of it. Now that I have spent some time as awareness, I just want to be here and not chase anything.
I can feel my ego’s desire. It wrings its greedy little hands, knowing all the accolades that come from helping people in this way. But also I know the downside, dealing with illness and bad medicine, etc., terminally ill people. So there is apprehension.
I feel in my heart it’s my dharma, the sincere love that knows all things are God and all willingness to heal is also God. So it’s really only God helping itself. What else is the downside?
Anyway, I have realized that the ceremony is my “chart,” like Swami Chinmaya had the BMI chart and you have the triangle chart. The ceremony actually is the same thing and has all the representations in place. I just couldn’t understand them until you explained it to me. So one thing about taking the position as Indian doctor is that is places me in the highest position available to a jiva in our ceremonies. And people need to feel like their information is coming from a place of authority in order to have faith in the teaching. So maybe that is Isvara’s plan, if Isvara actually makes plans ☺, to continue to spread the non-dual perspective to Native Americans. As you can see, this whole thing has me very rajasic, so I have decided to wait to give my answer until the rajas recedes and I can make a clear decision for the right reasons. As always, your perspective is much appreciated.
James: Dear Jason, you express yourself eloquently. I always enjoy your letters.
Isvara is a real pervert – when you let go, you often get what you think you want. We wanted a Green Card for three years and finally wrote it off about six months ago. When we got back from Europe a couple of days ago, it was in the mail.
It’s good to jealously guard your discrimination until it is completely firm, so I can understand your hesitation. There is great joy in saying no to desire. When you achieve this state, desire becomes beautiful.
If you understand karma yoga, you should have no difficulty leading the ceremony. The point is that you don’t want it, because you are ever-free awareness. If you want it, then yes, you have a problem. If you take it as a gift from the Great Spirit, what’s to want? You don’t want gifts. You just officiate as the Lord’s representative. It would be a great benefit to the Indian community to be associated with someone who has non-dual knowledge.
Your identity does not come from what you do. It comes from who you are. You are still thinking of yourself as a doer. Remember the experience you had when you were dancing recently. You didn’t dance. Dancing happens. The ritual happens. It is already laid out by Isvara, you just do your part carefully. I don’t write scripture. Scripture writes me. So there is nothing to gain or lose by any action.
I think it is your dharma. It has been your dharma all along. Only now, however, with a bit of Vedanta, your understanding is up to the task. And if you lose your discrimination, so what? You can easily get back on track now that you know who you are. When you know, every situation is a win/win.
~ Love, James