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The Ego Adjusts to Moksa
Roland: Hi, Sundari, we haven’t spoke for many months although I have continued to study Vedanta through Ram’s expression constantly.
I took the advice you guys were giving me and began going to AA along with studying Vedanta. The challenges of addiction seem so long ago now. The firefly stage kept happening for some time. Which has been fine, of course.
About a month ago I noticed that my vasanas that were out of sync with dharma began to fade. Such is the case now, there are only remnants left. It wasn’t an overnight event, but has been happening over some weeks. As each day appears, the erosion of vasanas quickens. Vasanas in line with dharma have took over. You had mentioned taking a stand in awareness. Yes, that time it was needed mostly. However, when I look around all I can see is me, self. There is no longer taking a stand in awareness. I am awareness. I am everything. There is nothing else besides me. There never truly was a taking a stand in awareness. It was an erosion of ignorance by virtue of knowledge that revealed that I have always been awareness. I can’t truly take a stand in myself since I am already myself. And I am all there is.
I suppose in a way all this is interesting, but it creates a smirk on my face. What can be interesting about something that has been obvious? Boring! Big deal!
Since understanding self-realization last summer, sitting in meditation enabled me to revel in self. Lately the attraction has waned some. Looking outward, looking inward, all the same to me. It is me. I am self. I don’t need to go anywhere, even inside myself, to be. I could look inside but what is the point? I am everything. I am everywhere. These eyes look around and all that can be seem is myself.
I still want some things. I mean, I am here still, alive. My family came back to me which was nice. And I look after them, as you taught me that they are Isvara. By not needing something, it enables one to fully appreciate and experience that thing. However, an absence of something does not diminish anything since there is no absence of me. I am all there is. How can a part of me be absent from myself? Impossible.
I have conscientiously studied most of what ShiningWorld has available. Videos, books, articles… I have watched and read, over and over, everything. Over time the understanding has become more and more clear with your help, Sundari. You have been essential in ironing out any misinterpretations. As time went on it became more clear that the words were mine. The knowledge is mine. The knowledge is me.
I suppose I could talk about enlightenment only it seems a little silly also, as if it is implying something, or a stage. There are no stages, not really. I have always known what I am. It is what it is though, and on one level, I have no doubt it can be described as such. So how does this make me feel? A slight satisfaction, with a shrug of the shoulders alongside an automatic living in harmony with dharma. Everything is natural, without thinking, without effort.
It did creep up on me. There was no striving for it, no searching for it. I can’t say I even cared for it. Though there was initially a searching, over time the bread-and-butter work was karma yoga and dharma, as you taught. And as you taught, dharma trumps moksa. But you never let on that the two are hand-in-hand, did you! Ha ha. Dharma before moksa so nothing gets in the way, then moksa means you live according to dharma anyhow, ha ha.
You guys are really special, for Ram’s material and for your expert guidance, Sundari, to skillfully help unravel major vasanas that I had. You have helped the knowledge to stick firm with me. And the knowledge showed what was always there. I have always known myself. It is impossible not to. I am in awareness because I am awareness. I can never be out of awareness because I can never be out of myself.
~ Warmest wishes, Roland
Sundari: So lovely to hear from you, Roland, and what a great email! Thank you so much for the appreciation, it is deeply appreciated – even though we both know it was always the self talking to the self! The self is the only guru and you know that now. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to achieve. It can seem almost boring. I know what you mean.
We think that this is why the ego fights moksa. It knows that the thrill of the chase, the agitation, the agony and the ecstasy is over, for good! But as you say with a big smile, dharma is moksa because without peace of mind there is no moksa. It takes getting used to, living in a world without any real desires and no real problems, only bogha vasanas left, which are vasanas for real enjoyment, which means there is no doer trying to enjoy because you are the enjoyment!
I am so happy for you, Roland, you did the work. Grace is earned and for self-knowledge to stick around, it has to be lived in every detail of your life. It is such a relief to know that the jiva does not have to be perfected, that it is okay to be as you are, minus the agitation in the mind. Watching thoughts as they arise in the mind dry up, like water on the pavement, with the sun of awareness shining on them.
May self-knowledge continue to unfold your life, may you live in peace with your loved ones and may you have many more smirks and genuine belly laughs!
Thanks for updating me and please stay in touch, we would love to know how you are doing from time to time.
~ Much love to you, Sundari