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Tormented by Judgements
A Little Bit of Duality Causes Lot of Suffering
Friend: Hi, Sundari, it was good to talk to you. Thanks for being patient with me; my father was the most judgmental person I know and this vasana is a tough one to overcome. It takes over my mind and I find myself judging everyone around me, including you and James. I don’t want to be judgmental and I hate it, but it has a life of its own and will not go away. I feel tormented by it.
Sundari: It makes us sad see you in pain and tormented by your mind. We both know that your judgements are not about us, it is something that is arising in the mind from the causal body and causing deep distress. It is all Isvara and nobody’s doing. You can’t help it; they are not “your” judgements. We are programmed the way we are programmed by Isvara from birth, that is our lot as jivas, and we must dissolve those programs in self-knowledge or we are stuck with them, and they cause so much suffering. It is tough being a jiva! And it is so tough to face down Isvara and sever the ropes that bind us to the causal body. It takes so much courage to live, let alone to live free.
I had this vision of a little child standing on the edge of a huge big tanker on the ocean of samsara, reaching out to us but we could not reach you. We keep throwing lifelines to you – like, “Please, just take the scripture on faith; if you don’t get it, just believe what it says, you can’t go wrong, because you can trust it. Don’t take our word for it. Just jump!” But that little child is convinced it must do things “the right way” or no way at all, so it stays on the edge, all alone. Nobody can do it for you, you know this. You will be stuck on the ocean of samsara if you believe you should be perfect, and so does everyone else in your life.
Over the years, I have observed how James relates to you. He is a convincing act, but he only appears to be James. He is a pure instrument for Isvara, and is therefore always Ram. It has taken me until very recently to fully realise this myself. Even though self-knowledge is firm for me and I have no doubts about my true identity, I still had some residual ignorance sticking in the mind, part of an old samskara that had not been completely dismantled. It only takes a little bit of ignorance to cause a great deal of suffering. Whenever I return to Africa, where my conditioning “birthed,” it reactivates and Isvara makes sure that whatever is still outstanding in my jiva karma account comes up for payment.
What I realised through this painful process was that there was a thought in the mind still identified with Isabella, and it related to Ram as James. A small part of the Isabella program wanted him to be a certain way. When this part was triggered, self-knowledge was obscured and the mind did not see that James is never James and Isabella is never Isabella. They are just constructs, Isvara-programs, no more real than a thought – and a limited thought at that. This is what happens when there is still unconscious content in the mind that has not been fully negated by self-knowledge; even though I knew only too well that Isabella the jiva is just a construct, tamas obscures the knowledge when the remaining ignorance is triggered. To be free is not about living a successful life as the jiva (although you will), as success has a very different meaning when all remaining conditioning is rendered non-binding by self-knowledge. It means the jiva is totally dismissed, even though it is known and accepted for what it is.
At last, I came to understand that everything James has ever said or done was Isvara speaking and doing. Whatever pushed my buttons was not James. It was just a wrong idea I still held onto, nothing to do with him or me but perfect for the jiva to be pushed to see what it needed to see about its program. For the first time, I understand now. I see what I could not see before. James is Ram, is Isvara, is a mahatma. It is such a relief. Finally – the jiva can be put to rest, a spent force.
I have seen your doubts and your judgements about us over the years. You judged me too. You were right, I was not fully free until recently. I saw your judgements, particularly recently. It caused an issue between James and me because, at the time, I still had this remaining judgement/shame samskara to dismantle. It had formed around being severely judged and criticized in my life, just like you were as a kid. It was linked to childhood stuff of course, but also to the karma that played out between my ex-husband and daughter, when we divorced. I did not know this was still binding.
Your judgements made me angry because I felt at the time that they were so ridiculous.
I thought that you should remove yourself from our lives if you could not get past your judgements. At the same time, I was angry with James for the way he related to you. I felt he totally overdid and overplayed the way he almost goaded you to judge him, exaggerating things that I knew you would be very critical of, like his attachment to me, for instance.
I was wrong. It was not James. It was Isvara relentlessly pushing you towards and into your judgements, taking you fully into them so that they would fully rear their heads for you to see. You would have to deal with them. James always knows exactly what he is doing even when he has no idea what he is doing (apparently). That is because he trusts Isvara absolutely and has totally – as in 100% – surrendered to Isvara. He never doubts or questions. He does not have to, because he knows things always work out. He is like love putty in Isvara’s hands. He is not a person, and there is no way anyone will ever be able to turn him into one, no matter how they see him, fault him, judge him, love him or hate him.
He is very simply, purely, the self. He is the real deal. And you know, he really is a saint. Not as in a paragon of virtue (although he is that too), but as in Love. He is sane. He has given so much to the world and to everyone he meets, rich and poor alike. You don’t know the half of it. He plays himself down and makes a mockery of his jiva-self because he does not want anyone to put him on a pedestal or get sucked into believing the teachings are about him, as James. Don’t believe his jiva act, it is a decoy. He is the self, your own true self.
I know that Isvara will take you to the right place. We love you and honour you, always, as the self and as the jiva.
~ Love, Sundari