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Joy Taking Root
Jeremy: Ramji, it’s been interesting over the past couple of months, slowly as the teachings have become more solidified in my thinking. More and more I’m aware of the effects my vasanas have on the quality of my ability to appreciate my own nature. Prior to this, eradicating bad habits seemed a never-ending project of self-improvement, which when compared to the joy a particular vasana would produce seemed like an uphill battle. Why would I want to give up something that is producing snippets of pleasure and happiness when it seemed that the alternative was a boring existence with no pay-off?
But now the reality that I AM the joy and love that I was seeking is starting to really take root. Through investigating this idea, I am finding that the short-lived intensity of engaging my negative vasanas is not worth the shit-ton of extra thoughts that are produced in the build-up to engaging the vasana and in dealing with the after-effects… feeing sluggish and lazy, etc., etc.
Unfortunately, it still feels something like a game of Whack a Mole, but to my surprise the knowledge that I AM the self seems to be the only thing that actually makes the effort worthwhile.
Recently my ugly smoking vasana has reared its ugly head after two years of being a non-smoker, there I am puffing away again like an idiot, but there are bigger victories on other fronts. The sex vasana seems to be my biggest challenge, but in that regard I’m making wonderful progress. I noticed how prevalent society and other people seem to use this negative vasana to their advantage, particularly women. I found they are very aware of their ability to affect men, and shamelessly use it get what they want. I’m not talking about all-out sex either, but things as subtle as flirting and being suggestive. I’m realizing that I have lived my life as total robot programmed to respond to sexual input. How much wasted effort has gone into making sure I felt like I was good enough for the opposite sex? What could I have done with all that creative energy?? It’s mind-boggling.
For someone who placed so much self-worth on his ability to attract the opposite sex, being free of that impulse is wonderful. Also, being aware that when a woman is hitting on me that it’s coming from her own need to be loved and knowing that I cannot provide that. All it will accomplish is a dependency on me to complete her self-worth. I already have one of those, it’s called a wife. Thank you, but NO, thank you. I am excited for my children though. They will have a totally different experience than I did as a young adult and I am beginning to really appreciate my role as their father to help them feel secure and develop a positive lifestyle.
Now that I am no longer the one creating problems in my relationship, it will be interesting to see how my wife responds. Her eating vasana is pretty much out of control, although she is slowly gaining an appreciation of the teaching, so I have hopes that she will begin the same process eventually. For myself, I notice I am enjoying being alone more and more. I am still helping people via the traditional Native ways though. But my total lack of giving a shit whether or not they respect me seems to produce the effect of people actually starting to listen to me, and I am seeing changes in those around me as well.
Ramji: Yes, the less you care the more they love you. People are little more than their agendas, but they don’t want to be bogged down by the agendas of others.
Jeremy: I do still have the thought to remove myself totally and engage in meditation, but with vasanas still lingering that would be pointless, I think.
Ramji: Absolutely. Plus, when your vision is complete, the world is a lot more interesting than a meditation cave. The world is only a problem when you are a problem for yourself.
Jeremy: So for now I am just here being where my karma has placed me, conscious of not wanting to start anymore projects other than being a good father/husband and helping those that I can.
Ramji: Karma yoga. Good for you.
Jeremy: My investments have really paid off financially, and I am living a very blessed life. What more could a guy want really?
Ramji: I’m not surprised; you’re a smart guy. If you have a few bucks to spare there is a young woman in India whose mother I have been supporting for years who needs a computer to complete her studies. I’m a bit short now.
Jeremy: I don’t want to change the world anymore; what good is that if I can’t even control the results of my own unconscious thought patterns?
Ramji: It’s about time. It seems like the spiritual types are obsessed with changing the world. It’s all vanity, a smokescreen for not changing themselves. The world is a dream, nothing to change. Only our thoughts about it need to be investigated.
Jeremy: I guess the best thing to do for others is live a life that proves the self is real, and continue studying. When I started this inquiry my mind was a mess, although I felt like I had so much figured out. My mind is still pretty messy, but at least I can see what needs cleaning up now. I’m no longer identified with my ideas and everything, much less endure the test of discrimination. I can feel when I lose my discrimination and it’s fucking torture. I’m planning on ordering the guna book when it comes out on paper. I have a hard time reading on the computer. But I’m really looking forward to it.
Ramji: We teach by precept AND EXAMPLE. Example is best. Precept is good too, but only if the teacher lives it.
Jeremy: I would love the opportunity to sit with you again in person soon. Recently I was up in Ashland, Oregon, visiting friends and I really wanted to pop up to Bend to try and catch you, but I thought maybe that would be inappropriate. I don’t want to impose. But some day I look forward to talking in person and just immersing myself in the teaching for an extended time. I feel like I’m at a point where I need to be around others who are living this teaching so I can prove to my own ego that it’s possible. Right now I’m pretty much surrounded by worldly people 24/7 who just want what they want, and for them God is just a means to and end. I think you must know this place I’m at pretty well.
Ramji: I’m coming to Berkeley soon, check the website. Why not aim for Trout Lake and stop by in Sun River on the way up? We’re just off Highway 97. You head north at Klamath Falls and shoot right up to Trout Lake.
Jeremy: Give my best to Sundari, I’m really enjoying her satsangs on ShiningWorld as well.
Ramji: Yes, she’s giving me a run for my money. Teaching scripture is the highest dharma.
~ Love, Ramji