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The End of Anger and Fear
Harry: Dear Sundari, thank you for your beautiful words. I have forgotten to write to you of an important element in this unfolding. I made a clear decision to be finished with anger. I have been so angry for such a long time about so many little things, going up in flames about “little” things, and I was suddenly done with it. I read what I could on anger in the satsangs and just don’t go there anymore. I can’t tell you the difference it makes.
At that same moment, I decided that I did not want to be governed by fear anymore. I kept thinking, “On the other side of fear is only love.” Now, this one seems even more tricky than the anger vasana. But a certain freedom has come over me since then. I read some cool satsangs from James about his relationship to fear. I am working with both. It’s an ongoing work of paying close attention. Without Vedanta I would have gotten nowhere with such fine intentions. But now I have self-knowledge on my side…
Sundari: This is wonderful news, Harry! I am so happy for you. Yes, you do have self-knowledge on “your” side, but whose side is that? As the self, you have no sides and you are self-knowledge. When you know yourself as the self, that is all the protection Harry will ever need. Remember to ask yourself, who is it that finished with anger and fear? Harry was so angry and so fearful for so long, but Harry did not finish with anger/fear. Self-knowledge removed the ignorance that gave rise to those anger/fear vasanas, and the self shines through naturally because it has been there all along. So now Harry is free of Harry and you are free of Harry. It is not the jiva that got perfected in any way, just relieved of the burden and pressure of the causal body, its vasana load. Give back to Isvara what belongs to Isvara.
Anger and fear are usually the same thing, unless self-knowledge has obtained. When it has, anger can be there without fear, and you simply allow it to be or express it appropriately, without causing injury to yourself (jiva) or others. It is known to belong to Isvara, not to you. Gone is the debilitating free-floating anxiety/fear that sucks the jiva into the dream and the dark underbelly of the gunas, crushing it on the rocks of samsara. Fear is over once self-knowledge obtains, and only then can the jiva can experience whatever it experiences and it is all known to be mithya, not-self.
As wonderful as it is to feel the Lightness of Being and dispassion that being the self brings to the jiva’s experience of whatever happens to it or in its environment, don’t get hung up on expectations that if you don’t feel this way, you are not the self, not free. The bliss of the self is just knowledge and it does not feel like anything – even though the jiva experiences life in a very different way because it is no longer run by its desires and fears. The self sees all and knows all and allows all. There will still be “good and bad” days for Harry, but so what? You know you are not Harry, you know the jiva is not perfect and embrace it as is, without ever breaking dharma.
As the self, do not limit yourself with beliefs that you will never feel anger again. You may, and that’s fine too. Being free means you have the freedom to be angry – even though you most likely hardly ever will. Anger is known to you, and sometimes it is necessary – as a cleansing force or to uphold dharma. Never censure Harry, love him unconditionally and give him the freedom to be and to feel, knowing he always comes home to you, the self.
Harry: Sundari, I can’t tell you the space and spaciousness I am experiencing. It’s like everything can find its rightful place, everything IS in its rightful place, including this body, which can unravel now and even recover maybe from everything it has been put through. But unravel or not, I am free Beingness.
Sundari: Jai Bhagavan! You ARE the only rightful, placeless place. Prarabdha karma will still play out for the jiva on the physical plane, and nididhyasana continues because the jiva is a forever changing entity in an endlessly changing field of experience. Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom.
As Beingness, you are the knower of the space and spaciousness.
Harry: You love James’ Song of the Self very much. You have mentioned it several times to me. I have it printed and plasticized. I read it every now and then, but with your suggestion, I am reading it daily now. It’s beautiful!
Sundari: Ah, yes! It is the song of the self, what’s not to love?
May self-knowledge always protect and shine its light every moment of Harry’s existence.
~ Much love always, Sundari