Search & Read
Let Bygones Be Bygones
Tan: Dear Daniel, I hope you are well and happy.
I am both well and not well, happy and not happy, having been very much driven by desire for a long time and making effort to drop it – I am now very much prey to fear.
This is coming in the form of financial anxieties due to past financial mismanagement. The anxiety is intense.
In the past, I would have used desire-based activities to distract myself and muddled through – putting the reckoning always in the future, out of mind.
This is not possible now and I am facing up to my financial mess. The anxiety is strong and needs to be managed on a daily, momentary basis in order to keep on an even keel. I am struggling with faith. On the other hand, there are periods of clarity every day. In the mornings I pray to Isvara. I reflect upon the many blessings in my life. I do a formal self-inquiry every day. I chant Om at night and throughout the day silently. I am reading the Bhagavad Gita commentaries by Swami Dayananda and rereading How to Attain Enlightenment.
I believe that I have been suppressing and avoiding fear all my life and that this is my time to deal with it. I just wanted to connect and be honest with you and find out how you are doing with your difficulties. I read your posts every day and am grateful for them.
~ In brotherhood, Tan
Daniel: Om, brotherji.
My jiva’s currently horizontal. Due to a chronic IGg deficiency, I’ve needed to come off most medications and fast on just broth and water for the next few weeks until my gut can absorb the medication, so I feel you on the “happy and not happy” statement.
Isvara can be a real apparent prick at times. But what to do but stand up and gladly accept the results as prasad, and reflect upon the many blessings in life? This is just my jiva’s prarabdha karma.
“It’s always better what happens” is a great mantra.
I’m sorry to hear of your suffering. Financial hardships are taxing and tend to evoke all kinds of mental disturbances. So your experience of anxiety is totally acceptable.
The fact that you’re taking this opportunity to stand up to unhelpful tendencies demonstrates great courage and faith. Compliment yourself, Tan. Despite past tendencies, your dharmic attitude shines bright, brother!
You are still identified with the “old Tan,” that once-upon-a-time scared dude who had no choice but to indulge in his fears and desires. But this is not relevant anymore. Let bygones be bygones.
And this is where some loving discipline will come into play. The new “dharmic Tan” is scared to fall into the grips of old patterns (vasanas), so a sense of vulnerability is felt; this is understandable, especially when Isvara whips down shitty situations that trigger old fears. But you need not to fear, Tan, because you’re stepping up perfectly and are armed with the greatest shield of all, self-knowledge.
Your job now is to manage involuntary thoughts as well as habitual thoughts and feeling patterns that unwarrantingly put your new jiva down. It’s time to view your jiva in a fresh light. Place your attention on “new dharmic Tan” and fuel him with total care and confidence. Hold no blame of the past. And if you still want something to blame, blame Isvara.
However long this financial burden is, it is your sadhana, so just flow with it, no big story. Just surrender and let Isvara do your life. Continue with your daily sadhana and be intelligent with your time. When the mind’s sattvic, perhaps work on a practical plan of action or reach out to a financially-savvy mate who can offer some advice. Be gentle with yourself and keep fuelling that faith. Like everything in the apparent reality, this too shall pass.
And know it’s not about being a perfect person either, thank God! No such thing. Knowledge is all. So surrender, karma yoga being the golden mothership. Stick with the knowledge, it will never let you down, no matter what the jiva is going through. Like Arjuna, stand up and fight (face your prarabha karma) – whilst resting the mind in your actionless, always-full and already-perfect self.
~ All my love, Daniel
Tan: Om, brotherji Daniel.
I am sorry to hear of your trials – I really hope that the treatments will bring you through.
I come from an alcoholic family, and when my father was dying he thought it wise to make my drug addict brother the executor of his will.
My brother distributed the funds before the tax was paid on the inheritance, and now, six years later, the tax office has come a-knockin’.
We are liable for a sizeable sum. Strictly speaking, it is my brother who is liable, but I feel that I should pay my share. It is more than I have and it could get nasty.
I will have to make a deal somehow and up my earnings.
There is also some residual PTSD from the refugee camp.
Thank you for your excellent advice and encouragement – it really, really helps to have this dialogue.
~ In gratitude, Tan
Daniel: Head up, Tanarjuna! It will resolve itself.
Do what you can in a karma yoga spirit and keep indulging the mind in bhakti and self-knowledge. Be gentle with your jiva, Tan.
Tan: Dear Daniel, you are right. I have a very negative self-view right now, and the jiva is giving itself a kicking.
There was a greatly inflated self-view, which has crashed and now things need to be put together again in a healthy, honest way.
Thank you for being there for me in spite of your difficulties.
~ In brotherhood, Tan
Daniel: It’s time to get the fuck over that negative view, kind sir!
No more need for kicking. Hug your jiva with the truth. When a self-destructive thought pops up, test it. “Am I really a bad dude?” Recondition the mind to claim the totally loving, dharmic Tan that he is.
You shine the shine.
PS: Cool satsang to check out, nothing beats karma-dharma yoga, brotherji!
Tan: “Easy does it, but do it,” an old Alcoholics Anonymous slogan.
Daniel: “Easy does it, just do it.” I’ll post you a Nike shirt once I have a bit of spare cash. ☺