Search & Read
Self-Knowledge: A Win-Win
Gail: Dearest Daniel, I first want to pay my respect to the teaching tradition that you brought to me as well as to all of the other members of the ShiningWorld community. Your teaching has done its thing again, and as I contemplate it on a daily basis it has effectively brought much bliss into this jiva’s life, allowing this mind to reflect my true nature (most of the time!).
I am now leading a pretty sattvic lifestyle and slowly extinguishing my karma. I don’t have many binding vasanas anymore. For example, I am not interested in sex.
Being in a relationship, I sometimes engage in it, in the spirit of karma yoga, dedicating my action to Isvara in the form of my partner. But now the problem is this Isvara in the form of my partner felt like I was giving him sex, and not really wanting it, which is true. As he discovered the masquerade, he was not too happy about it. While all these years my spiritual practice had stayed a secret, I tried to explain to him what I was practising, trying to bring on some light about what Vedanta was about, but he got very confused, as I am not cooked for teaching and not 100% clear about how maya works.
As the jiva I can just accept the paradoxes that Isvara seemingly throws at me, as I know that this is just a play and that the waking state is just not making any sense to its very core (space and time are a big joke!).
So in short, my partner doesn’t feel special anymore, because I do not have sexual desires for him and he doesn’t want sex to be offered to him like I do. However, I tell him that the love I feel for him is universal, but it comes out as a unique experience for him. Now he doesn’t know if he wants to end the relationship or not, and I find it also difficult to make a decision because he tells me that he won’t be satisfied not feeling sexually desired (a reason to end the relationship) but he would feel lost without me, as he says he also depends on me financially for the time being. And as for myself, I would come up just fine whether it stopped or it continued. However, there is “in between” feeling which is painful for me as the seeming jiva, although I know I remain free of it as awareness.
Would you have some teaching to help me clarify the situation?
Thank you so much for all the great knowledge that you made available to me, as this is my dearest treasure! Also, thank you for taking the time to answer me if you have it, and if not, it is also alright!
~ Love always, Gail
Daniel: Salutations to our lineage and to all the great teachers who have kept the sampradaya clean!
It’s not my teaching. I am merely a mouthpiece for the tradition. But appreciation is always appreciated. ☺
It delights me to hear that your jiva’s receiving such beautiful fruits. I mean, how can it not? It’s the ultimate problem-solver and ticket to full ease.
When the mind’s qualified and is exposed to the teachings, it has no other option but to appreciate the truth. And an appreciation for the truth always feels good.
It sounds as if you’re not the one with the problem, Gail. With self-knowledge on board and the karma yoga button switched on 24/7, you’re as good as it gets. There’s nothing to add or that I could suggest to better your toolkit. You’re fully kitted.
Perhaps you’re feeling a little dull (‘’in between’’) due to the fact that it’s your partner who’s actually carrying the issue. It would be natural to feel this because you see his jiva suffering and you care for him. This shows compassion.
But what to do about a problem that’s not yours to own? You won’t be able to resolve your partner’s issue, because it’s not your issue to resolve.
He’s got to follow his own svadharma, and Isvara will puppet his jiva according to its own prarabdha karma, which may – or may not – be in harmony with your needs/interests.
It’s an opportunity for your partner to step up to his spiritual sadhana. But you can’t offer more than an invitation and an open space to do so. He needs to develop the primary qualification: dispassion. And you can’t force dispassion. Only when the fruit is ripe does it fall off the tree.
My only suggestion is to accept the situation for what it is.
Maybe your partner will eventually qualify himself to see the light or maybe not. Either way, it’s all good. Continue to see yourself, awareness, in him and receive whatever relationship result as prasad.
If it’s going to cause agitation and impose on your ability to hold the knowledge, then you’d need to weigh it up in light of your values. And as an inquirer, your number-one value is peace of mind.
Mithya is nothing but a play of opposites, so there’s no getting away from this fact. For every upside there’s a downside, and for every down an up. And this applies to being in a relationship.
“Does being in this relationship serve my best interests? Do I receive more ease/joy by having this partner in my life than if he was not? Does this relationship add to my spiritual sadhana?”
These are some questions to ask yourself.
Your job is to be clear on your values and honestly see what best serves you.
It may sound selfish – and it totally is – but it’s a positive selfishness. The greatest service that we can give back is our own peace of mind and self-realisation.
“And as for myself I would come up just fine whether it stopped or it continued.” This is a perfect attitude to hold, Gail. It sounds pretty much like a win-win situation to me. ☺
~ Much love, Dan