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I Saw the Self
Anna: Dear Ramji, I had an experience yesterday in which I saw this beautiful, all-expanding light everywhere, including my body and mind. I recognized that all that my senses experience is nothing but dead matter. That light, awareness, is all that IS. Without that light, it is not even possible to perceive those objects. I had a picture in my mind of my burned brain, grey and small, and at the same time this impression that my own mind was expanding and expanding without finding an end. The experience was me as light getting bigger, moving without moving, going beyond planes and galaxies, diluting all that was appearing just by itself.
I understood that my mind was as limited as all those other objects (that were being perceived). I heard a message/experience saying, “Your mind is a very limited, dead object known to you that has been serving you till now. Its task is now finished.”
The light, awareness, cannot be described with words since it goes beyond all the dimensions of the mind.
I did not identify with that light, because there was nothing to be identified with. It was just there. I thought: if there is only awareness and you are there, you can only be That!
Ramji: Cool! Isvara giving you a direct vision of yourself. It seems that you drew the right conclusion, “If there is only awareness and you are there, you can only be That!”
Anna: Today I felt sad while feeling confused, not knowing for sure who I was. I felt “my” legs. I observed my body. It’s not me but it’s me. The identification with the objects is painful. When I close my eyes, I can feel that vastness that I am. When I open them again, the projection is back there! Is there something “I” can/should do besides continuing with the task of discrimination/viveka?
Ramji: Knowing you are awareness is good, but it is not enough. You need to understand what it means to be awareness in terms of the experience subsequent to the dream experience, i.e. awareness pretending that it was confused. Obviously Maya is getting in the way, making you – awareness – think you are a suffering person with a dead mind. Knowing what it means to be awareness should make your mind totally inspired and happy. Why? Because it means you are fullness, bliss itself! So you can either identify with the idea that you are suffering or the idea that you are whole and complete awareness/bliss, that you don’t need anything to be happy, that you can’t lose anything either. The application of self-knowledge is a discipline, taking your mind off the negative self-idea and contemplating yourself as limitless awareness. You have to do it over and over. The last dream was Isvara telling you that you had to give up thinking you are Anna, the person with desires/fears, etc.
Maybe you are waiting for something to happen to remove your suffering, but nothing is going to happen unless you, Anna, make it happen. What conclusions did you draw from my dream analysis? Please tell me.
Anna: Thank you! I love you!