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Sex Is about Pleasure, Not Freedom
Roger: I would like to thank you very much for the book you wrote on non-dual relationships. It is really useful and practical for me.
Sundari: Hello, Roger, thanks for your feedback on my book and I am glad that it helped.
Roger: I’ve got two questions to ask you, one on kundalini related to sex and the other on a conclusion we arrived at with a friend on the subject of non-dual relationships. As it might take some time to read and answer, know that we are not in a rush at all!
Maybe I should say as well that the knowledge of myself is firm and fast, so I’m not seeking oneness through sex, because there is only me, the Self. I don’t remember reading that in your book, so I was curious to know the truth on kundalini subject.
So my question is about sex in a non-dual relationship. I’ve heard that there exists a way for the man to have an inner orgasm similar to women’s, where no ejaculation is necessary, by mastering the kundalini energy. In this way, the man adapts to the woman’s energy, which makes the act harmonious and in line with non-dual principles.
So first, I would like to know, if possible, what do you think about those statements, is it true or not?
And if so, do you know any references or even exercises I could, as a man, practise to achieve that? And books or exercises also for a woman to practise (both on her own and not) the right thinking for the experience of intimacy/sexuality to remain without emotional attachment.
Sundari: The way to negate emotional attachment in any practice is karma yoga; nothing else works. Do you understand what karma yoga entails? I did cover the subject of sex used as a means for spiritual progress in the sex chapter under tantra, which is related to kundalini practices. Here is the excerpt:
Sexual tantra is an ancient Indian agglomeration of rituals and practices that incorrectly associates sex with spiritual enlightenment, a blissful state of non-duality. Today it is associated almost exclusively with the idea that a practitioner can copulate his or her way to God. It is not a legitimate path to enlightenment, because it creates a binding attachment to sex, which is not conducive to happiness, although tantric teachers claim otherwise. It appeals to hedonistic individuals who require a “spiritual” reason for indulging lust, which is generally considered a “deadly” sin.
There is not much more to add on the subject, as I made it clear that although karma yoga can be used very successfully in the sexual act, sex is not a spiritual path, because Vedanta is about non-dependence on objects for happiness/pleasure. If you know who you are, there is no problem with ejaculation; why would you want to avoid it? There is no benefit or loss, either way, and as Vedanta teachers, it is certainly not our brief to offer advice on how to have good sex with or without ejaculation.
Roger: Second question: with a friend, who is inquiring in herself through Vedanta as well, we are working together on creating a play to answer the question “How is it possible to remain free with intimacy?” We have a certain knowledge about the matter thanks to your book and Vedantic teaching and our own experience of relationships. The aim of creating this play is to have an organic understanding of this knowledge. How it is applied in day-to-day life.
Sundari: If you free of binding desires, of which sex is one of the biggest, and truly understand what intimacy is (I cover this topic in my book as well), you will know that it intimacy is primarily about Self-knowledge, honesty and authenticity, not sex. Intimacy is always present when you know your nature to be non-dual love, which has nothing to do with the presence or absence of anyone in your life, whether you have sex or not or whether you do or don’t reach orgasm. You can experience the most intense intimacy entirely alone.
Roger: So we came to the following conclusion recently, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it. The description is talking about how to make love in accordance with our highest value, which is freedom for both of us.
Sundari: Who wants freedom? Do you want freedom for you or from you, the jiva? Freedom is not about not doing anything or denying pleasure. It’s freedom from dependence on objects, as previously stated. If you are truly free of the jiva, you are free to honour its nature and have great sex without being bound by it.
Roger: “Both open to the other. Listening to what the connection is wanting. Neither of them expressing what they personally want, instead allowing the contact to decide for them what they offer to the other. If this offered invitation is in line with both wishes, it is followed through. If it isn’t, it’s not followed through and that’s okay. This amount of listening seems to sustain a sattvic state throughout.”
That’s it. Thank you very much for your time and knowledge.
Sundari: This too was covered in my book, here is an excerpt:
Karma Yoga Is Sublimation
Secular karma yoga is simply practical knowledge concerning the results of actions, divorced from the idea of preparing the mind for liberation. It can be applied to sex. It is surrendering your actions to the Field, which removes performance anxiety. Performance anxiety is a problematic component of human sexuality. Successful sex is anxiety-free sex and may lead to love. When you are totally present with your partner, not living in your fantasies, love can flower. Loving sex in the karma yoga spirit is giving and receiving pleasure in a sacred and supremely satisfying way regardless of the outcome.
When love and gratitude are added to its secular variant in the context of a desire for liberation, you have sacred karma yoga. You consecrate the sexual encounter to God at the outset, which removes anxiety, and you gladly accept the results. Over time it removes sexual cravings, which disturb the mind.
But sacred karma yoga is a formal discipline that prescribes certain rituals for those engaged in Self-inquiry, of which sex is not one. Don’t imagine that sex is a valid spiritual path, because the purpose is of sex is pleasure, not liberation. Pleasure never lasts, but liberation does because it is your eternal nature. Yes, sex may be an important part of your life, but it should be no more important than any other basic need, food, for instance. You don’t eat to get enlightened.
~ Much love, Sundari