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A Transformed Life
Bernd: Namaskaars, dear Guruji/Ramji.
It’s almost four years since I started listening 24/7 to the word-mirror of Vedanta that you unfold in your own brilliant, clear and funny way. I could not imagine listening to another guru with so much attention and enthusiasm. It was like listening to Isvara manifesting the “redneck from Montana.” I’m a kind of redneck too, as I grew up in the countryside in Germany. There are some parallels in our biography: addict, successful businessman, full-time yogi in India, etc. It was Isvara’s grace to be showered by the light of knowledge. Day by day it washed away the deep ignorance as reality became more and more clear. I believed in anything you unfolded even if it sounded like science fiction sometimes. Many times it was a challenge to expand my mind and listen to the reality being taught.
Like a puzzle, day by day more pieces came together till the whole picture was in front of me. The whole of Vedanta is about me, myself, I.
Now I see how my whole life I was being called back home by the Lord, back to myself. Everything that happened was part of this homecoming. From all the gurus, Buddhists and yoga teachers I learned and grew more qualified and was able to listen and value what I heard with sattvic clarity. All the disciplines prepared my mind. It’s so beautiful. I will be forever grateful to Isvara for the guidance that led to scripture and to you, who presented it in a language I could understand and appreciate.
The vasanas are getting more and more dried out, and lose their grip. I had a HUGE sex vasana that is now almost is down to nothing. I took a celibacy vow for a year and it was okay, so I decided on another year. Now I see how silly it is to run after someone looking for intimacy, love and attention, because I already am love. I am intimate with my Self. I give Bernd all attention he needs.
From early childhood I took great pleasure from eating tamasic foods. The food vasana is pretty deep but I’ve been working on it for the last several years.
I discipline myself to eat only as much as is needed and have my sugar down to almost zero. It brings much freedom not to be controlled by this desire. Fulfilling desires is optional. The relationship vasana has almost vanished too.
Sometimes Isvara presents some situations to check out, and if I stick to my value for non-injury and peace of mind and tell the woman what to expect if she leans on me, she usually runs away as fast as she can. ☺ It is totally in the hands of Isvara. If one fine day love with someone with the same values happens, I will take it as prasadam and love myself in her reflection. If not, that’s totally fine too. Nothing to gain in one, and I enjoy not being in one too.
Really huge changes happened the last three to four years. My lifestyle switched 180 degrees. Now I enjoy a calm, peaceful, introverted, normal life. My home is my temple. It’s a nice, sattvic atmosphere. I also much cut down the relationship with rajoguna- and tamoguna-dominated people. I was so desire-driven that sometimes I’m shocked at how much dispassion there is toward worldly desires. I wanted to go back to my India, my love, after many years, but was prevented by circumstances, and it was totally fine.
I really love to take care of my kids too, spending time with them. Lately my youngest started to miss her mum and wanted to be with her more than with me. Years ago that would have broken my heart, but now I’m totally fine with it. I did my best and I love her very much, and I trust that everything is good. I don’t have a claim on her.
I traded in a totally rajasic job as a cook for a quiet job with no challenges and now I express my cooking passion at home for family and friends. What can I say? There is so much peace here. Everything I ask for somehow happens without any big effort. I’m grateful. Actually this peaceful dispassion sometimes feels a little bit boring. After the doer was negated I felt disoriented for some time; I didn’t know what to do. Everything I thought I was disappeared and day turned to a dark night. I was flooded with dispassion and gradually found the motivation to do things without the tension I had before. I reflect on my values and just do what I love to do and what I can do.
Isvara presents several situations where people ask me for advice or ask me questions about Vedanta, guru brothers and sisters mostly. It’s nice to share and care here and there, and it’s pretty nice to help someone get things more clearly. I discovered that by answering questions I can check if my understanding is firm and well assimilated, and if not, to do so. Great sadhana!
So thank you very much for everything, Ramji. Even if close contact was not necessary, I felt guided all the time on my path. I discovered that all peace, security and joy is always present, whatever life offers. Pranams to you. Pranams to your Guruji, who I admire also very much. Pranams to the sampradaya, especially your guru brother Swami Dayananda, whose vision I enjoy to follow for almost one year. All grace to the Lord Isvara, in my case my most favourite deity is Lord Shiva – har har mahadev ki jai! May all beings be blessed by the shower of the knowledge and be free of misery and suffering.
PS: If I can ever donate some time and energy back to you, ShiningWorld, it would be my greatest pleasure to do so. So if there is some way I can support the sampradaya, please let me know. I’m also in contact with Stan on Facebook from time to time, who helped me on several questions in the past when I didn’t understand or assimilate the knowledge properly.
See you in Berlin soon.
~ Pranams, love, om and prem, Bernd