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Kundalini Is a Big Bother
Mani: Vannakam thiru, Ram. My body’s age is 37 years. When I was 16 years old I got scared and until today I didn’t know the reason for that fear. It was so intense that I felt like I was moving, the earth was moving and I was flying. It was so intense sometimes I couldn’t really take it and every time I got scared of something it would be activated. I did not know that my kundalini got activated, in fact no one said it was activated. It is my own conclusion. From ages 16 to 32 it was there on and off and it would be activated anytime, anyplace, without any warning, but it has not been so active the last five years, but do get it sometimes.
I am a Tamil Hindu, my mother was very religious, so I do go to temple and pray at home. I am not very religious, however. When I was 34 or 35 I suddenly started to sit down and meditate and recite mantras in Sanskrit and sometimes do some simple yoga postures. I did not learn this from anywhere, but I heard them in the temples. Then my mother passed away two-and-a-half years ago, but I did not cry, I was so in peace and felt good about it. I told my friends she did not die, that only her body died.
From then onwards my search for my self started. Recently I found Advaita Vedanta and Sri Ramana Maharshi’s teaching as the way to self-realisation. In fact whatever you write and all your translations… I can totally except everything. I have read many books and translations, but only with you I can accept everything.
I started meditating two years ago. I can drop my mind instantly and go into deep meditation, but every time I go in, say, after few minutes or sometimes just few seconds, I will feel like a flight taking off from the earth. My ears will block and I will even feel turbulence. When it is intense I will feel like a rocket taking off from the earth (energy moving with full speed from my tailbone to the head). One day it got super-intense and I felt like a rod penetrating through my head and saw a bright white light, all happening with my eyes closed in meditation. The feeling was so strong that for the next two weeks I felt like floating and did not feel grounded and really did not like the feeling. I tried to find help to ground it, but nothing helped and eventually the feeling faded away.
I stopped meditating, scared I might get the same feeling again. Now, for the past 50 days I have started meditating again and kundalini is still there. I can feel it, but I am not scared of her anymore and am starting to accept her and focus on the meditation and not giving her much importance, but she does get intense sometimes. From the intense experience of kundalini two years ago, I think shakti might have met Shiva. I wanted to ask you, does kundalini stay even after meeting with Shiva? I read your article and came to know you experienced kundalini too, and she has left you for good.
Can you guide me through this? What am I to do? I know shakti is self, and I already know I am in everything and everything is in me, I have experienced the self, but as you know my sat chit ananda doesn’t last, the ego and the mind and the world will take over me after that, but I am getting nearer and nearer to the source. I know and am reminding myself that everything and everybody, including myself, is happening in the self, the one and only self.
Tell me what I should do to tame this kundalini, and if it gets too intense how to ground it or how to make kundalini exit from myself. Because every time I meditate kundalini is diverting my attention towards her, I want to focus on just meditation and know myself.
Thank you, Jivan Mukta, namaste (the divinity in me respects and honours the divinity in you).
Ram: Yes, these are kundalini symptoms. Many people would die to have these experiences, but as you have realized, they are just distractions. Sometimes they persist for years and then suddenly disappear. Yes, kundalini can stay once it meets Shiva. She left me for good about the time I realized I am Shiva. To say, “I am Shiva,” means that you are the one witnessing kundalini. If you keep your attention on the witness, kundalini should become less and less intense and frequent. But there is no way to make her go away, because she is sent by Isvara for some reason. Usually, the reason is to drive the mind to seek the self, which it has done in your case. So it is good. But there is still something for you to know. I will explain below.
But she is also a big bother, and I hope it goes away because it is just another experience. I don’t know how to get rid of it, but I think she is getting ready to leave you because, as you say below, you are getting nearer the source. In fact you, awareness, are the source. I think this fact is starting to stick. Good for you. In the meantime take these experiences in the karma yoga spirit and don’t fear them.
You have the solution when you say, “I want to focus on meditation and know myself.” From reading this it seems to me that you believe that moksa is some kind of experience. You say, “I know shakti is self and I already know I am in everything and everything is in me, I have experienced the self, but as you know, my sat chit ananda doesn’t last, the ego and the mind and the world will take over me after that, but I am getting nearer and nearer to the source.”
Yes, shakti is the self, but the self, you, are not shakti. She is an object appearing in you from time to time. She is fickle and inconstant. And who is “the” self? It is you, the witness of the shakti. When you say everything is in you, it shows that you are the self. But then in the next sentence you make a mistake. You say, “I have experienced the self but, as you know, my sat chit ananda doesn’t last.” This is not true. Sat chit ananda is not an experience that comes and goes. It is you, the witness, the one observing you read these words now, the one that observes kundalini when she comes and disturbs you.
You also have an incorrect idea about moksa when you say, “…the ego and the mind and the world will take me over.” This is not possible if you are the witness awareness. The ego, etc. – like kundalini – are just objects known to you. So they cannot “take you over.” Nothing can take you over, because you are “over” everything, meaning you are behind all experience as the non-experiencing witness. This you need to contemplate. You need to shift your “I” to the ordinary awareness that observes everything, let’s call it the “big I.” When this shift takes place once and for all I think kundalini will leave you. It left me about that time.
So don’t focus on mediation, focus on the witness of the meditator. Don’t focus on kundalini, focus on the witness. The witness is you. Knowing yourself as the non-experiencing witness is moksa. I hope this is helpful. Let me know how this works out. It is an interesting case.
~ Om and prem, Ramji
Mani: Namaste thiru, Ram. Many thanks for your reply. There is a saying in Tamil: “Both milk and toddy looks the same, but you gotta know the difference; both may look white, but they are not the same and if you don’t know how to differentiate them it’s gonna be a problem.”
I am talking about you the milk… I have met many toddies claiming to be milk in India and elsewhere… but I kinda knew it, so ignored all of them.
I waited almost 22 years for you. I have not told anyone so far about my kundalini experience except you. Oh, before that let me introduce myself… I am Manikandan (yes, I know you would have guessed… it is Lord Murugan’s name). People call me Mani. I am going to be 38 years old this month. I am a Singaporean guy, I was born here in Singapore. When I was 11 years old I went to India with my parents… my dad, he is about your age, he was also born here in Singapore. Without any reason he wanted to go to India. I had no choice, so I followed my family to India. I stayed in India for 10 years (Ishvara pranidhana… yes, kundalini got me when I was in India). When I was 21 I returned back to Singapore and am still here. Mother India gave me the love and knowledge which I can’t get anywhere in this world.
There is another saying in Tamil: “Even if you drink Milk under the coconut tree, people will think you are an alcoholic drinking toddy…” because both milk and toddy are white…and you know how an Indian drinks… lifting the bottle up and the water goes in straight without any lip contact with the bottle… they drink both milk and toddy the same way… people, from afar, will only see white liquid going into the mouth. From afar I saw you drinking under the coconut tree… and I knew you are the Milky Way. Tamil proverbs made me what I am today… taught me life.
Yes, I understood moksa is not an experience, when I meditate I will focus on the witness…in fact your line woke me up: “It is you, the witness, the one observing you read these words now, the one that observes kundalini when she comes and disturbs you.”
Ramji: Nice to hear a bit of your situation, Mani. Yes, keep your attention on the self and keep in touch.
~ The Milky Way, Ramji