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Life Must Serve the Truth
Rene: Hi, dearest Sundari. I did it. I told Harold last night that I wanted a divorce. Unfortunately, our dog had to be put to sleep on Saturday. He said that he felt he lost his best friend and the only one who gave him love when he came home.
So of course he didn’t take it well. It wasn’t the best timing but he was being very difficult again so I just blurted it out. He asked me if that’s what I really wanted, and I said yes, because I didn’t see a way to make it better. He then told me to leave sooner rather than later, and I said not until we settle the finances.
He didn’t argue. We both felt very sad. What he did say was that I wanted him to change and I didn’t want to change, so he didn’t see how we would work it out.
We need to figure out the financial end. I’m scared. I’m alone – no relatives, no nothing.
The Skype call helped me set my intention. He only feels loved by his daughter and by his now-deceased dog – his best friend.
Maybe you and I can talk soon.
Love you both. Say hi to Ram. I sent him a message through Skype.
Sundari: Hello, dear Rene. Well done to you for having the courage to see it through and to live by the truth.
It is not easy, I know. Going through the emotional upheaval is wrenching, especially when you feel responsible for the other person and their pain.
The thing is, you are not responsible for anyone, and you know this. You are not even responsible for Rene because you did not make her the way she is; although it is her dharma as the self no longer under the spell of ignorance to live according to the truth of who she is, if she wants to be free and experience peace of mind.
How high must the price of hanging on to the illusion of having someone rather than no one be for it to be too high a price to pay? How unhappy must one be before one has had enough? It is a no-brainer really, and the short-term unhappiness of going through the break-up will soon be over. What have you got to lose? There is only gain for you. Your attachment to this relationship is related to a very deep samskara (conglomeration of vasanas). Only you will know what is true for Rene.
What is definitely true is if you want to prevent this samskara from becoming a pratibandika (deeply-rooted obstruction) which could keep you stuck indefinitely you need to understand why you are stuck in the light of self-knowledge and then take appropriate action. Leaving this toxic relationship is appropriate action if you love Rene. She is suffering and so is her about-to-be ex-husband; he needs to be released from this unhappiness as well, so that he has the opportunity to understand himself. Even an abuser gets abused if the abuse is allowed to continue. He may never understand himself but that is not something you can do anything about, and staying for his sake is enabling him to use you as his punching bag.
The thing with moksa is that there is no fine print if you want to be happy. Self-knowledge is ruthless and relentless. It is better not to take the road to freedom if you want to hang on to your stuff because the truth takes no prisoners. It will strip you naked and take you to the bedrock of your life where you have no option but to face the truth and live it or continue suffering. It is possible to be enlightened and still suffer but it is the worst place to be. It is better to be ignorant if you want to continue suffering. This is no longer an option for you: you cannot reverse self-knowledge. We see many people who are in this position: their lives do not match their identity as awareness. Depression sets in, tamas, denial. It is your choice but if you want to be happy there is no other way but to face this. Your life must serve the truth, not the other way around. I call it “facing down Isvara.” You are beyond Isvara but to live this your life must be congruent with the truth of who you are.
And how can you be alone? You are all one, there are no others. What does having or not having relatives got to do with anything? I have tons of relatives and family and I have always been alone. James and I are never lonely.
Loneliness is the absence of the other, aloneness is the presence of the self. I love being alone almost as much as I love being with James. You are the fullness that knows the nothing. No thing is good because nothing can give you what you already have: YOU.
And anyway, you will have the opportunity to live life as you want to now and have whoever you want around you. You can associate with people who appreciate you and know who you are. It is time for Rene to appreciate and value who she is; no more normalizing the abnormal.
You are free, Rene, no need to be tied to the corpse of a marriage that died a long time ago. No need to be tied to anything. He will probably blame you because it is you who outgrew him, which is why he says you wanted him to change. He wanted you to stay small, limited and bound to him. You tried to set him free because you freed yourself and he would have none of it. He does not want to be free because he gets a pay-off from blaming and being a victim. You can’t save him. Most of us have to leave people and situations behind that no longer serve us or the truth; it goes like that when you take the road to the truth about who you are.
It is okay for Rene to be scared because you are not Rene and her fears do not touch you. Let her go through them. She will soon see all her illusions in the light of self-knowledge, and the whole edifice of her story will crumble along with her fears. Fear is just “False Evidence Appearing Real.” Let it all go.
You are awareness, Rene – whole and complete, unlimited, unchanging, ever-present, ordinary awareness.
You are free, so live free…
~ Much love to you from both of us, Sundari