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Man up and Fight!
Tony: Hi, James. I’m glad you’re doing well! ☺ Thanks for taking the time to reply. I always appreciate your support and guidance.
It was good to know that I’m not the only one who feels like a ghost in the world; it’s like I’m here but not playing by the same rulebook as virtually everyone I know and often barely existing in quite the same dimension. When I see a lot of the stuff that’s going on in the world I guess that’s not a bad thing. What you said helped clarify that moksa is my svadharma. I mean, I’ve known that for some time – and throughout my life Isvara has been all but shoving me in that direction – but I can be quite stubborn, and I think for a number of years I’ve been trying to juggle my pursuit of moksa while still trying to get maya to work! But I realise now – that just doesn’t compute, does it?
It’s only quite recently I’ve realised that I really, really have to get this thing “done.” I think it’s actually harder being “half-enlightened” than it is to be fully “unenlightened.” Once you’ve gone a certain way there’s no going back. I have all the knowledge, I realise it’s just a matter of integrating it and living it. It seems the moment I fully committed to this I’ve had to face down all kinds of vasanas – fears, wants, insecurities – that go back as far as adolescence and childhood and maybe even before that. I feel like Buffy the Vasana Slayer! I’m finding that just by recognising they are just vasanas it kind of objectifies and “shames” them, making them shrink down and usually scurry away. But that and trying to keep reasserting my identity as awareness takes a lot of energy and persistence. I think I finally understand the war backdrop in the Gita now! It’s a war against ignorance, right?
Before I go into rambling overdrive I wanted to say I had a dream about you last week. It stuck with me because it seemed to have an interesting message. There was a group of us in an old cathedral. There was a shady mafioso-type man (who I felt in the dream was “the Devil”) and he somehow overpowered you and made you kill somebody! Obviously, you got into a lot of trouble for it! But I saw the whole thing and was telling people it wasn’t really you, it was this bad guy who had influenced you and made you commit the murder!
I studied dream analysis in psychology in college and recall that everyone in our dreams represents an aspect of ourselves. I guess to me you represent liberation/knowledge/enlightenment. The “Devil” guy presumably represented ignorance, or vasanas. Maybe the dream was a sign to always be vigilant, to keep the mind in check and not to let ignorance/vasanas overpower me? It felt like more than just another disjointed, nonsensical dream.
Anyway, I will see you in Spain in a few days. Very much looking forward to it. ☺
~ Much love, Tony
James: It doesn’t compute but it is a very common phenomenon among spiritual types. If you want to have your cake and eat it too you will get half a cake and a lot of frustration. You should do one or the other, chase samsaric things until you hit bottom and have definitely had enough so that you never go back or chase moksa wholeheartedly.
You do have the knowledge, now it is time to actualize it, make your life line up with it. You don’t have to get down in the trenches and fight with every vasana; just knowing they are vasanas and knowing that following them does not lead to satisfaction is enough. Put your intellect in charge backed by will power and stand apart from them: “I don’t need X. I am fine as I am.” It is a war against ignorance, plain and simple. You can win it. In fact you have no choice. You can’t go back so it is best to get on with it. The dream is Isvara giving you the message loud and clear.
See you soon!