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Qualifications Need Work
Mary: Dear Sundari, thank you for your rewritten email a few weeks ago. I did not reply until now because I went on a holiday in Spain and I also wanted to let everything be as it is.
I was (and still am) a bit tired of all the seeking and explaining myself, so I decided to take a break for a few weeks.
Now I am writing to you to tell you how things are working out here.
Maybe you remember that I was seeing a transpersonal therapist, so after our email contact I did see him for one time (after that I went to Spain).
We talked about how to proceed with the therapy, and we had some sort of evaluation about the last half-year.
A few weeks ago I still was seeking for solutions and I did come up with a practice I knew from a few years ago called the Human Design System by Ra Uru Hu.
Maybe you know this practice. I once took a course in it few years ago but because of my psychosis I had to stop. I do not know if you know this system. In short, it is a system that tells you a lot about your personality by birth time, date and place.
A few weeks ago I thought I would dive into it again. The purpose of this system is a deep self-acceptance of the personality.
After I rediscovered this system it somehow explained a lot of my problems, and because of this system I somehow was able to accept myself (my personality) better.
And with this acceptance something shifted. The last few days there is a seeing that I am. That there is no separation and this is a great discovery.
It happened before but it always went, or did not stay permanent.
I am not sure if it will stay this time but we shall see. I feel more rest and peace, and I like to be in silence.
I also remembered the question you told me about: Who am I?
This never worked for me but now once in a while I think of this and I find it pretty easy to sink into this boundlessness of what I am.
So I think this is good news, and I wanted to let you know.
Next Thursday I have another appointment with my therapist to discuss some things but I know these talks are mostly on the level of the personality.
I intend to work on my daily routine: volunteer work, sleep, silence, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc., and I would like to see how this works out for the next few weeks. I will see if this sense of I AM will stay or if it will disappear again (I know it is always there because it is what I am but somehow this seeing can be blocked, like clouds hide the sun; I think you know what I mean ☺).
Anyway, I would like to thank you for your compassion and care, and maybe I will contact you later if I have any questions about this shift.
Thank you so far.
~ With love, Mary
Sundari: Hello, Mary. Lovely to hear from you again, thank you for letting me know how things are going for you. I am happy for you that you have found a system that works for you to understand the personality, even though Mary’s personality is not who you really are. It is very important to understand what makes up the personality though and how the conditioning came to be there. Vedanta is not about perfecting the personality but understanding it in the light of self-knowledge so that you as boundless awareness can be free of identification with the person. It is this identification that causes suffering.
This dis-identification with the personality seems to be what you experienced when you say “that there is no separation and this is a great discovery.” You saw the personality of the person called Mary – that it is a reflection that arises from you, the knower of the personality, boundless awareness. As boundless awareness you are not separate from the personality but the personality has a dependent existence of you, so you as boundless awareness are always free of the personality.
I do know what you mean that this knowledge “can be blocked, like the clouds hide the sun.” This is a good way to describe ignorance, which is what prevents you from knowing your true nature as awareness. This is what self-inquiry is all about, subjecting the mind to self-knowledge so that it can remove ignorance of your true nature, just like the sun shining on a cloudless day.
I have not heard of Ra Uru Hu, but if it helps you that is great. We have to get the understanding of who we are on the relative plane clear before we can take self-inquiry into the non-dual nature of the self further. This is why Vedanta requires that certain qualifications are present so that self-knowledge can stick in the mind. I am happy for you that you are enjoying more peace and silence and sometimes contemplate on the true nature of the “I am” which takes you into the boundlessness of the self.
It is important that you address lifestyle issues like sleep, diet and exercise, etc., so well done on that score. It is not always easy to change one’s habits but very important to bring them into harmony if one wants to experience a more peaceful mind.
Let me know how you are doing when you feel like talking about it; I understand this can get very tiresome! I send you much love, peace and clarity to heal the mind and live permanently in the peace of who you truly are.
~ Namaste, Sundari