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Keeping the Company of Rajas and Tamas
Thanks for the email and the honesty – you sure have some tough karma to deal with! I really admire the dispassionate way you see it and totally get that you are not really asking for any advice, just saying it like it is.
I somehow doubt that Simon will write to us, I think that was just a threat. If he does, we will respond with appropriate care and do what we can. Of course, you know that the mind has to be ready to hear the truth, which I somehow doubt his is.
We do not get involved in people’s personal lives unless asked and I know you are not directly asking for our advice, so we apologize for any interference on our parts. Please understand it comes from the best place as we care very much for you. So forgive us if we venture our penny’s-worth, even though you are not asking for it!
Most often problems arise with self-realised people in relationships with samsaris when their karma keeps them in the company of rajas and tamas.
We have several friends we know like this; they are very unhappy and know what they must do for peace of mind but somehow are too attached to the situation to follow what is dharmic for them. Many people try to avoid following dharma by trying to make self-knowledge work in situations (like work, relationships, money, etc.) that are unworkable, taking the karma yoga approach. But this will not work because your life has to serve the truth, not the other way around. Truth is impersonal. Neither awareness nor Isvara care one way or the other because neither awareness nor Isvara have a problem with duality. It is up to the jiva to choose peace of mind.
As you know, rajas and tamas are highly contagious and it is near to impossible to maintain sattva when constantly in the company of the terrible twins. They challenge the sanity of even the most purified saint! We can only advise that your life has to choose peace of mind is important to you.
Ram and I both feel that uprooting your life in an accession to Simon’s likes and dislikes is a risky, but maybe necessary, choice. You clearly have the right attitude to doing so; however, we could be wrong but we believe that nothing much is going to change if you do. Sure, things will be better for Simon, for a while. But as you well know, changing your environment does not mean you escape Isvara. You can bet your bottom dollar rajas and tamas will come along for the ride and there will be new pressures and things to challenge him, so the patterns will soon re-emerge. Changing the location will not change the vasanas. He is not unhappy because he is in Germany, nor will he be happy because she is in England. If you move you should not expect that this will change the dynamic of the relationship, except perhaps in the beginning when he sees that he is getting what he wants. Then the rajas and tamas will come to the forefront again.
For so long Simon has been able to channel his mental agitation at blaming you for not getting what he wants. But getting what he wants is not going to change the agitation in the mind; it will still be there. Are you familiar with the saying “There are two ways to be unhappy: not getting what you want and getting what you want”? On top of that, you can throw into the mix the fact that you are really angry at having to give in to him. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
It is a credit to you that you are so dispassionate about the fact that you are doing his dharma instead of your own by giving him what he wants, but as you already know there is a price to pay for that. Remember what Arjuna says – doing the dharma of another is fraught with danger. Ask yourself why are you really doing it, if you know that the joy is not in the object. What is it you really want? Maybe what you need to consider is that you need to terminate the relationship, sooner or later. I am sure you must love both Simon and Jordan very much, but what kind of emotional honesty are you guys teaching Jordan by staying together if this is the pattern of your relationship? And what is the point of living with constant strife?
Simon is just not a reasonable person like you are, Rebecca. The issue is not about staying or going, or being in or out of the relationship. The issue is that you understand WHY you want to make an unreasonable relationship work. This is something you need to figure out for yourself. Taking yourself out of your physical comfort zone may just be enough to get you to see. And there is an outside chance that Simon will calm down enough when he is in a more familiar environment to bring some peace to the relationship. Time will tell.
Another consideration is to let Simon go ahead without you to begin with. Maybe time apart is what Simon needs, to face life without you and to get some perspective on what he has put you through because of his own stuff. When there is no one around to project onto, maybe he will be able to gain some permanent objectivity. On the other hand, separation may introduce an element of emotionality that clouds the real issue. Probably the best thing you can do is to go along with things and let the dust settle so that you can make a clear decision.
The yelling and fighting must be because he feels powerless as a result of low self-esteem and the only way he knows how to get what he wants is through manipulation. He does not know how else to overpower you because he feels less than you. Those are very tough samskaras to break through and I know you must feel deeply for him because he really is at their mercy without self-knowledge. But maybe you are the last person to be able to help him. Maybe he has become even more enraged and dissatisfied by your dispassion and feels most threatened by that. I think that is why he is threatening to write to us: to bring you down somehow, to discredit you. He (rajas and tamas) wants to bring you down to his level, off the high horse of freedom, sattva, because he can’t control you when you are up there and he feels so small. I would not be surprised if his main accusation of you is that you think you are better than him.
When my daughter was seven, I left her father after many failed attempts to do so, for reasons too long and too long ago to explain. I knew I had to give her a choice what she wanted to do, even though I knew she was very attached to me. She chose to stay with her dad, a decision which nearly broke both of us. She knew she had to do that in order for me to be free of her and her of me. I knew I could not stay and she knew she could not come with me, even though she wanted to and I wanted her to more than anything in the world. It was the hardest thing either of us has ever done, but I honoured her request and left her with her dad. I was crucified for leaving her, of course, but if I had not had the courage to trust her knowledge, she and I would not be who and where we are today. We have no karma to deal with, have total clarity and peace reigns between us. She is one of the clearest and most confident people I know because she knew I loved her enough to trust the veracity of her own knowing. I am not saying you should leave you child, just ask yourself what is the most important thing you could teach Jordan. Kids are not just kids. They are the self.
No one can say what the right course of action is for you to take. We know that in life there are gains and losses, no matter we do. It’s a zero-sum game.
We are with you whatever you decide.
~ With much love to you from both of us, Sundari and Ram