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Ritualism and Fear
Cathy: Dear Ram, all has just been deleted to show that all there actually is is the self. The self talking to itself, driving a car that is itself, playing with a cat that is itself, having a cup of tea that is itself. And really, all of the “itselves” can be changed to… myself.
Ram: Yes, indeed.
Cathy: Would it be correct to say that this all happens in the light of awareness? Which is still me, all me.
Ram: The self – you – is the light of awareness. It is funny that you ask this question. There seems to be a disconnect between you and the light of awareness.
Cathy: It really makes you bow before this teaching. I really comprehend now and appreciate that no human mind could ever have thought Vedanta up. The self revealed it to the sattvic minds who could assimilate and understand such wisdom. What brilliant minds they were.
The story… Cathy’s story… doesn’t feel so relevant any more. It will just have to play itself out.
But I do feel for Tom. Here he is married to a woman… me… who my tantric guru, who is able to enter the subtle and who has an astral force of six above the line, says I am a six below the line. It would be nice if I was a six above and could sing with the angels!!!! Hopefully, the mantra will weave its magic.
Ram: All this Vedanta and married to a jnani, and you still believe in this sort of thing? It is just superstition.
Cathy: Four years ago I woke up one day and felt like I was dying. Every pore felt clogged. I had no one to turn to so I went to see a friend of a friend who happened to be a shaman. He apparently started the kundalini (no physical contact) and told me I could be very powerful if I wanted to. He wanted me to run some organization. After twenty-four hours I realised the mistake I had made and sent all his trinkets back to him but he persisted, and it really was a fight for me every night. I spoke with a lady who is a teacher of Vedanta who had gone through the kundalini experience and who told me that he giving me the trinkets was sexual, and of course it was. But 90% of the time, in the waking state anyway, I resisted as something didn’t feel right. In fact I knew what was happening was not right but was totally confused with the cosmic orgasm stuff, and the only information which I could get which was on the Net.
Ram: Fear makes people very gullible, Cathy.
Cathy: The positive side which it gave me was great strength to resist, and this is probably one of the reasons I was able to withstand the force going through me, which kept telling me so strongly to kill my tantric guru’s wife. He was aware of the danger. In fact both of them were aware of the energy, but I don’t know if she knew the focus was her. Hints were given from both of them to me, such as them telling me about psychic forces coming to the house and taking over minds. They did everything with such love, with a dharmic attitude, that is unequalled.
Ram: They should have just told you that you were imagining all this stuff. It was just repressed anger relating to your mother. Making all this stuff spiritual and covering it up with mantras is very unhelpful.
Cathy: When we first arrived, his wife had a dream from the Divine Mother that she was supposed to do puja for me. Later a big curved knife was left out on the kitchen sink. It certainly was not a battle that this force was going to win. I was aware, at every stage when the force became stronger, what was happening. It felt like I was a character in the Gita! It was a real battle. The psychological stuff that had apparently weighed so heavily had taken a monstrous form.
Ram: It is just rajas, your mind projecting, objectifying. You are actually angry with yourself in some way.
Cathy: This shaman basically would come up to the mountains from San Francisco to make his presence felt. He seemed to know where I would be. A couple of times there were visions, one certainly meant to scare me. I kept Tom informed right from the start but he was not able to support me so I carried it alone, which obviously was the way it was meant to be. I have never said this to anyone but it has not been easy.
Ram: See the projections. There is no hard and fast evidence of this “shaman.” You say he “seemed to know.” It was all a projection, a “seeming” of a suffering mind.
Cathy: There were three ceremonies in the desert in Nevada, one where invisible petals fell on my head (and this was verified as true by the priest) and two other ceremonies. At the end of this ceremony we were dressed in white and were bathed by the priest. And the other was an immersion into the water, the womb.
Ram: See how naive you were, Cathy. You couldn’t actually see any “petals” and had to take the priest’s word for it. What did he know? Those petals were only thoughts – subtle feelings – in your mind.
Cathy: One guru… you know who… told me that if one developed siddhis that one should never tell. I seem to have a siddhi for calling in unfavourable energies, although at times very beautiful energies came also. I really didn’t know what was going on and for the most part acted with the greatest integrity, hard and as painful physically as it was.
Ram: See the ego co-opting this subconscious process. You were not “calling in” anything, Cathy. It was the causal body vomiting out its pain.
Cathy: At one stage my tantra guru pleaded with me not to bring evil to the house when I told him I was linked psychically to the other guru. One morning I thought that perhaps my feelings were wrong about the shaman and that he was actually trying to help me. The evil that began to pervade the atmosphere was palpable. My tantra guru had just got up and I heard him cry out in horror.
He told me that it was not kundalini that I had.
Ram: He was right. It is just fear. It is such a shame to make such a big spiritual story about this. Your tantra guru and his wife are good people but are hypnotized by ritualism.
Cathy: Under his instructions I chanted the Gayatri mantra for a year. I thought it was stuck energy, probably brought about by sexual child abuse by a family friend as a two- or three-year-old. My parents never knew. They were very good and supportive parents.
But it is something different. As explained, it is in the astral. Who knows from which birth this has come, and really, what a perfect time for it to arise with such support in the relative. This is a blessing. The mantra which my tantra guru has given me is:
Om Ksham Paksha Jwala Jhiway Karala Dhamstray Prathyangiray Ksham Hrim Heem Pat Swaha.
Only someone in this lineage can give the mantra.
Ram: This is such nonsense. You can read it in any book. Mahesh Yogi sold common mantras like “Ram Ram” for thousands to gullible Westerners and said it was special and secret, etc. Every beggar in North India says it all day long.
Cathy: Anyway, Ram, I had better start taking it a bit easier. When you looked across at me, at the “five elements,” and said that it must be hard, and I rolled my eyes, much appreciation was felt. Just to have another human being’s acknowledgement was important for this event.
I love you, Ram. There is much sorrow. Ordinary life to live. Housework to do. I’m a bit sappy!
Such gratitude. Let’s blame Isvara.
~ Much love, Cathy
Hi, Cathy. Thank you for sharing this with me. It has been very difficult to get a read on “Cathy” up to now, to tell the truth. Usually, I can scope someone out almost immediately. It is finally clear to me what the problem is. It is tamas, superstitious fear. Cathy has been stuck in pratibhasika satyam (a fantasy world) probably since the sexual abuse. Now with the light of awareness shining on her it is starting to become objectified. The shaman story is just personified fear. There is no shaman “out there.” It is probably going to be difficult for Cathy to hear what I am about to say but if you want my help you will need to take this on board.
I think your relationship with the tantra guru and his wife feeds this fear. They are ritualists. Ritualism is a time-honored attempt to keep fears at bay. It takes fear to be real. Rituals designed to change the “energy” do change it for a short time but they do not remove the cause. So you have to keep doing the rituals to keep the “energy” pure. What is actually happening spiritually when you are attached to ritualism is that the fear is reinforced. This is the trap of ritualism. You say these people want moksa but they are not qualified for moksa. When I met him and looked at him, there was fear in his eyes. He probably thinks I am another one of those corrupt Vedanta gurus. That is why they are doing tantra. I can now see why the good swami could manipulate them so easily for so long. They are not inquirers. They only started inquiring when the swami’s chickens started coming home to roost. People who believe in fear are easily manipulated. You don’t need anything tangible at all. You just have to make suggestions in a certain tone of voice, one that invokes their fears. I gave the now discredited swami the benefit of the doubt because of my respect for the tradition but my doubt antenna went up right away around him.
Your tantra guru and his wife will eventually see the absurdity of ritualism, trying to manipulate the “energy” with actions, and eventually become inquirers. If you want sattva – pure energy – the way to get it is to root out fear – ignorance. This is the real ritual – the practice of knowledge. I can feel this starting to happen and I encourage you to stick with it. But it will not be easy because you have invested a lot of energy in the Cathy story. Leaving her behind may be a bit like losing a lifelong bad habit or a beloved pet. Anyway, think about this, Cathy. Tell me what Tom thinks about it.
~ Love, Ram