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Seeking Moksa in a Pinball Machine
Nick: Dear Ramji, the moment you said tamasic I had a sneaky feeling: “Oh, yes.” As I read your email it struck me for the first time… “My goodness, this endlessly flipping between rajasic and tamasic and sattvic states of mind!” As often as I heard it, I never got it until now. It is like a closed pinball machine with me as the ball. All my spiritual endeavors just take me nowhere. I just bounce from rajas to tamas to sattva and back again, never learning anything, every time expecting a different result but always getting the same result.
I just sat back and for the first time saw clearly. Oh, crap! It must have happened a thousand thousand times, forcing meditations of various kinds over the years, forcing a “holy dance,” forcing a ritual to do something to find an answer, and the outcome was always neither this or that. The insane thing is I kind of always knew it – but how self-defeating! I cannot run after myself anymore; it is mildly funny, bordering on embarrassing.
I feel at this moment truly blessed and wish to express my thanks that you are there and that this really is so new for me. I am so grateful not to have to run anymore after it, at least where moksa is concerned, even if I have duties where “running” is much of my daily life. Tears of happiness! Thank you.
~ Much love, Nick