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She Thinks She Knows It All
James: Dear Hermeineke, lovely to hear from you. By and large your understanding is quite good, although there is a subtle point that needs clarification. You are almost at your destination, but not quite.
Hermeineke: Certain things you said when we were satsanging before irritated me, and that is why I was arrogant, but once the irritation died down I thought carefully about what you were really trying to tell me. I apologize for any inconvenience I might have caused you!
James: It is okay. I could see your sincerity and your intelligence and the discipline of your mind, so I was willing to overlook your attitude. I don’t take things personally.
Hermeineke: My understanding so far is that I am awareness resting in awareness.
James: When you say “resting” in awareness, do you mean that the “I” is resting in itself? If you do, why do you use the word “resting”?
The “Knowing and Experience” section of your excellent email shows a correct understanding in the sense that Hermeineke, the doer, can relax and let nature do its job. You don’t have to “try” anymore.
You say “the real self,” the “space in which the trains come and go.” That is true, but what about you? Aren’t you “the space in which the trains come and go”? If the answer is the real self, you have indirect self-knowledge. If the answer is you, the knowledge is direct. If the knowledge is indirect, there is more work to do. If it is direct, it should be firm knowledge, not just arrived at through logic.
What you say about your intellectual capacity is very good. You are now using it correctly. Vedanta requires a very alert and subtle intellect. It has to be continually on guard against dualistic thinking, apply the opposite thought and purify your understanding until, as you say, your character is as aligned with the truth of who you are as it is possible to be.
In the “Devotion” section of your email you say, “my only responsibility is to stay as this.” Are you “this” or are you the one who has to “stay as this”? If you are the “stayer,” you have more work to do. If you are the “this,” then there is no staying.
In the “Inner and Outer Master” section you could not know that in my case the outer master is the inner master, so your reaction is understandable. It is not a separate person speaking to you.
Your idea about submitting shows that you have the wrong idea about Vedanta. You have an authority issue, a subconscious projection. It will go back to your family constellation. There is no submission. That is false devotion. Were you a Catholic?
We do not want devotees. We do not like sheep. We do not tell you what to do. We are not right. We do not want you to surrender. We only ask you to listen and to think, inquire. You thought that it was an outer person telling you something and you rebelled. What you were hearing was the inner/outer self speaking. Once you understand what is said, surrender happens. You have no choice. You are powerless. The truth will compel you.
Otherwise your statements in this section are correct. But at the end there is a doubt about who you are. You say “and everything can be seen as expression of the self.” Why do you not say “an expression of me”? Again, this statement is indirect knowledge. If you say “me” and you mean limitless, non-dual, actionless, ordinary, unborn awareness, that is direct knowledge and your spiritual journey is over, assuming the knowledge is firm.
In the “Discipline and Love” section we see the same problem. You say, “Now I am brought by you into the connection…” Can you tell me what is wrong with this statement?
Further on you say, “but in (me) being open to every influence.” We see the same difficulty. What is it?
Finally, I see a contradiction in your “Thanks” section. You say you would be happy for correction and yet you say that you don’t need to relate to me as a teacher anymore.
That is fine with me. I am happy not to be your teacher. It is a hard job and there is no pay. However, if you want freedom you had better keep me as a teacher – or get another one who will also be me – because it is clear that while you have made a giant step spiritually in the last months, you are actually just setting out on the spiritual path. I have given you a few hints where you need to go and I am happy to continue to teach you, as your attitude has now improved (it still needs a bit of work, however), but there is definitely more to understand, assuming you want freedom.
But it is up to you.
~ Much love, Your Own Self