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Carl: Hi, James. I hope all is well with you and Sundari. I want to ask you about vasanas, and I will go into a little of my history to do this.
Since I was a toddler I have a memory of my father suffering with mental illness, and I grew up in a deeply tamasic environment. Naturally, this conditioned my early life, and there was little security, as there was a constant apprehension as to when my dad would end up in the nut house again. At six I started to soil myself and this was a near daily occurrence for the next four years. I cannot begin to express the repulsion and disgust I had towards myself through these years. I found more freedom in the rebellious teenage years, and began to travel throughout my twenties, but have always carried a deep sense of shame.
Today all the anger and shame I have carried is completely gone, yet the social anxiety of the child is sometimes triggered in the adult. Just lately this has happened a few times and I wanted to ask you about it. I do realise that I am whole and complete awareness, yet the vasana is so strong that it seems to still pull me in.
I know I am focusing on the vasana instead of living from the self at the moment and need some of Ramji’s advice on the situation.
Ram: Ramji says, “Who is ‘pulled in’?” It is natural for a very deep samskara to survive enlightenment. It is natural for the mind to identify. You observed the identification, so you are the self when it is happening. To say you live from the self means that you cannot live from the self. You are the self, so how can you live from it or not live from it? The self is the one that knows if you are living from it or not. It is you. The self is the one that knows this feeling and it (you) does not change when the feeling arises. Carl, the reflected self, is the observed. It changes. When a person realizes who they are, the repression mechanism no longer functions and things hidden in the causal body come up when they are triggered by certain circumstances. It is fine. Take it easy.
~ Much love, Ramji