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The Clean-up Job
Margaret: Dear James, it was wonderful to spend the week with you in Trout Lake. Things are quite clear now, and I’m paying close attention to the habitual ways of thinking, feeling, perceiving that identify with Margaret. I’m spending a lot of time alone, which seems to help.
Although I’m not particularly inviting them, the epiphanies continue. I had a quite powerful insight into the pure self, where there was nothing but consciousness; it was clear that there are no objects, no persons, just fleeting modulations within pure consciousness. During the insight I asked who was seeing that, and it became obvious that it was the self seeing itself, there was no other that could be witnessing it, because there was only This, being This. So the whole issue of personal identity and doership was totally irrelevant, a complete joke; there was no person to do anything and nothing happening.
After such insights, which are experiences and therefore have an ending (I think I finally got that part!), I am left with myself as pure, ordinary, everyday consciousness. It is as if for those moments I am able to see the desert without the mirage, the superimposition, a bit like a revelation (it actually made me think of Krishna disclosing his true nature to Arjuna), see myself without name and form in all my splendor, and then the mirage is back, although I now know it is a mirage and not real. And part of the mirage is this Margaret package, which is still a bit sticky at times.
I was able to observe during a meditation one of the mechanisms of the stickiness: physical relaxation and surrendering sensations, storylines, etc. allow for consciousness to come back to its natural state: unveiled. Then a thought came saying, “As soon as I start moving or talking or doing something the expansion will end and the contraction will come back.” RED ALERT: the fact that the thought postulates movement and talk as doing is the problem, the old pattern that creates the illusion of a person, the contraction, and not the moving or the talking, which happen completely by themselves, without a personal doer.
I guess I have to make many, many more of these observations until the complete clean-up job is done.
~ Much love, Margaret
James: Hi, Margaret. Lovely to hear from you. Beautiful epiphany and properly assimilated knowledge. You say, “I guess I have to make many, many more of these observations until the complete clean-up job is done.” Do you? Why does it take more? Why is this one not enough? It is pure knowledge. What is to clean up? If you see the mess, are you the mess? See the doer here, the one who “has to make observations.” Is that you?
I have attached an email to this one called Surrender Is Not the Answer. It illumines the same problem, the nature of the “I.” A bit more contemplation is required. Let me know what happens. My regards to Mike. He is a great guy. You are lucky.
~ Love, James