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The Confidence to Claim
Sandra: Dear James, I guess I just wanted to share an understanding that has me so humbled. And I wanted to check my thinking, as I am on a constant lookout for weeds in the blossoming garden of self-knowledge. Some is repetition from past emails, but it’s all come together.
I think that it may be true that the self came to rescue me again and again in this life from the misery of ignorance. It moves me to tears to know that self loves with such depth that it would go to so much patient effort to comfort me in the pain of ignorance. I can only hope to do the same for the ignorance I find in the world and for what ignorance remains in me.
When I was a little girl I was made aware of a pink light and an inner voice of great peace, wisdom and love. It again helped me in my teens, although then I thought it was an angel. In adult life I did a lot more self-reflection and found the same voice… which I realized was me… but something was still missing.
I called it my “soul” for lack of other words. After years of much clear soul-memory and recall, I was still confused about whether I was the soul or not, but I let the contradiction be because I had so much more peace. I came to know that all souls eventually merge with Source again, like a death of sorts, yet I knew I hadn’t.
I had still one strong desire to teach truth even though I didn’t have it all yet. I was then told I was now in service and the painful years ahead were service, not karma. I was told that everything I thought I would be when I died I was already, but that I didn’t need to die to know who I was. The next few years were very tough with caring for my sick child but she triggered deeper searching, and slowly the mind got more pure.
The inner voice became my beloved, my guide and home. In this clearer reflection I realized that the whole universe was just a mirrored reflection of eternal consciousness. And in the glimpse of the eternal presence expanding forever I found no “me,” only a thin veil of confusion separating eternal beingness that was gazing at eternal beingness. But still I did not get it! At other moments I knew the body was in me. I knew I was being breathed, lived and moved. But all without lasting certainty, without confidence and in the privacy of my inner world.
A week before I met you, I was shown that all memories are kept perfectly intact, that we lose nothing. I knew I was the ageless seer, voice, witness, and saw that I am real and that I am that which watched me grow from a baby. I wept for three days in the knowledge that I was real but still did not have the confidence to claim it, as I’d never found a teaching to completely validate my private knowing.
I have clear recall since my teens of hundreds of past lives, mostly dull, painful and ignorant (yes, no Cleopatra!). I also had memories of being pure light, free and playful, building energy to manipulate into sound and colour. I have memories of visiting galaxies as a being, to see how they are doing, with such love, like the love of a parent for a child. Or of ethereal spaces visiting my soul’s teacher, the man from the mountain, whom I don’t know. I’ve seen myself looking back from behind other people’s eyes. When touching a simple rock I’ve known that it was me, and it was simple love touching love. I watched ego want to grab this all and turn it into “something,” but a sense of a past life’s abuse of spiritual knowledge kept me in check this time.
So that’s where I got to without Vedanta. I’m so incredibly grateful that I was graced with someone who could reach me and be a loving mirror while I was in the darkness. Even though you have shown me that it’s borrowed intelligence, I feel such love and gratitude.
I know you don’t like epiphanies and I see why. But sharing this with you is a weight lifted. It is to be fully seen as I am fully seeing, and through that to claim “I am this.”
All this has been a secret inner world and sometimes a source of pain under the ignorance of not fully knowing and claiming. You can see it’s not appropriate to share this with others but it is safe enough to share with you, my teacher, via email because you know as I do that I am not special, but just ordinary awareness… as are we all.
Thank God. Those who are ignorant easily mistake me for something special, which is a pain in the you-know-what and gets in the way of their journey. So I’ve learned to keep this all hidden. I held it all and my energy in check to blend in because when I have revealed it at times, I have seen it does not often serve others.
Thank you for being the safe space to share honestly.
You will never fully know what you have given, the confidence and clarity to claim my identity as the seer, knower, awareness, ordinary, peace, love, simple.
I can now rest, thank God for my soul and for yours. No need to reply, just nice to share.
~ All love, Sandra